| "I love the enthusiasm of our interaction, but when | | | | an "abusive aggressor-violated victim" assault. |
| we get on a heated roll, I hate the destruction of our | | | | Then this assaultive behavior becomes the trigger for |
| mutual ambush." Sound familiar? | | | | subsequent abusive aggression on the part of the |
| Sometimes violence in a relationship can go two | | | | violated party. Before you know it, you are entangled |
| ways: from him to her and from her to him. You may | | | | in a romantic free-for-all with two bulls locking horns |
| have heard me refer to this as interactional | | | | until one falls down. |
| relationship abuse. | | | | Successful Cooldown Time-Out |
| It is relationship abuse wherein each party carries the | | | | Now since we know that we choose our behavior-it |
| control alternating overpowering the other. In the | | | | does not choose us-we can appreciate the fact that |
| example introducing this article we see a stage ripe | | | | those accustomed to failing at cooldown attempts |
| for an interactive discussion, heated argument and | | | | can instead be successful. Here are some pointers to |
| the use of abusive behavior to get one party to | | | | practice... |
| listen and enlist in the belief system of the other. | | | | 1) Be mindful of what sets you off. |
| This common interaction invariably runs havoc when | | | | 2) Cultivate sensitivity to your own internal cues of |
| the couple is not practiced in "cooldown time-out" | | | | escalating emotion. |
| protocol. And moreover, verbal, emotional and | | | | 3) Hold reverence for the same in your partner-i.e., |
| physical violence can erupt for couples who are not | | | | their external triggers and internal cues. |
| accustomed to mutual respect and honoring the | | | | 4) Let the heightened affective state (emotion) be |
| space and integrity of one another. | | | | your friend, not your enemy. |
| Failed Cooldown Time-Out | | | | 5) Yield to the signal that intuitively says, "Back off." |
| When one person is flooded with their own intensity | | | | 6) Trust that you are more likely to get your needs |
| and/or experiencing the outpouring of the other | | | | meet when the two of you revisit this |
| person, a time-out may be requested...simply to | | | | exchange...calmed down. |
| diffuse the energy and cool it down. Both individuals | | | | 7) Choose actions that keep you safe and ensure |
| appreciate the concept; however, in the heat of the | | | | your partner's safety over violence at all times. |
| moment, one party may not let up and let go. And | | | | Practicing effective time-out will provide you and |
| herein lies the problem. | | | | your partner with strategies for successfully dealing |
| For example, let's say person A declares, "Time-out" | | | | with conflict. These relationship skills will add to your |
| and person B feels compelled to remain on the | | | | employing fair fighting routines that maintain honor |
| pursuit of closure and fulfilling their unmet needs from | | | | and respect. |
| the unfinished interaction. This then is the stage for | | | | |