| Some people will tell you that abusers are "mean" | | | | becomes aware of his hurtful actions, the question |
| people. But, often they are hurt people without the | | | | becomes: "How can I stop that?" "I don't want to |
| awareness of their pain or the skills to deal with their | | | | hurt her." |
| feelings in a way that is personally satisfying and | | | | Feelings and Needs Underneath the Abusive Behavior |
| relationship-enhancing. | | | | When we walk an interaction backwards, we can find |
| Striking another person doesn't really feel good to | | | | the feeling that preceded the abusive action. And this |
| batterers even though they may show a sense of | | | | feeling has an accompanying unmet need. |
| pleasure in and over their assault. And the net result | | | | Part of the work of domestic abuse therapy is to |
| of their abusive behaviors destroys relationships. | | | | help the batterer identify and express these feelings |
| Domestic Violence Counseling Reveals the Choice to | | | | and the unmet needs. From here, he can learn |
| Be Abusive or Not | | | | alternative behaviors that enhance the relationship |
| What can your abusive partner do in the place of | | | | instead of destroying it. |
| striking you physically, emotionally or verbally when | | | | Non-abusive Actions that Express Unmet Needs |
| that urge to do so overcomes him? This is a | | | | Enhance Relationships |
| common question that abusers ask in domestic | | | | The goal is to find an action that helps him fulfill the |
| violence therapy. | | | | unmet need without violating the other person. The |
| Early on they may grasp that their hurtful actions | | | | net result of such an action makes him feel better |
| arise out of their feeling vulnerable. The automatic | | | | and makes the relationship deeper, stronger and |
| and reflexive abusive innuendo, gesture, commentary | | | | more satisfying for both people. |
| or physical blow shifts the energy, keeping the | | | | If you are in an abusive relationship, seek to find |
| abuser's pain at bay. | | | | appropriate domestic violence counseling to help your |
| Oftentimes he may not even realize he is doing | | | | partner acquire non-abusive interaction habits that |
| it...until brought to his attention by his partner or the | | | | enhance rather than destroy your relationship. |
| domestic abuse intervention therapist. Once he | | | | |