| The following is an interview looking at facts and | | | | The conditioning inherent in the relationship definitely |
| myths about domestic violence: the gender factor, | | | | sets a tone for this. |
| verbal emotional abuse, impact of domestic abuse on | | | | Concerning getting help... It is always best to seek |
| children, tips on getting help and more. | | | | out help from individuals and groups that fully |
| Domestic abuse makes most people uncomfortable. | | | | understand domestic violence and all of the safety |
| No one likes to think they know someone or that | | | | issues that go hand-in-hand with this problem. These |
| they themselves are in an abusive relationship. Just | | | | people will know and genuinely respect a survivor's |
| the thought of one being abused can cause feelings | | | | need for anonymity. They will even help victims |
| of despair, uncertainty and fear. | | | | survivors protect their anonymity, rather than give lip |
| When filled with fear on a topic it is best to replace | | | | service to the need to do so. |
| that fear with knowledge. In recognition of Domestic | | | | Question: When using the term "domestic violence," |
| Violence Awareness Month, Luanna Rodham | | | | does the violence happen to the children as well or |
| interviewed Dr. Jeanne King to help educate people in | | | | primarily to one of the parents? How does domestic |
| abusive relationships and concerned friends and | | | | violence affect the children in the home? |
| family. | | | | More often than not, if one parent is victimized, |
| Question: Dr. King, when someone uses the term | | | | children will be victimized as well. The statistics on this |
| "domestic abuse" or "abusive relationship," most | | | | draw from battered women. It is estimated that |
| people automatically assume it is a woman who is | | | | 60-70% of men who batter their female partners |
| being abused. Is that a correct assumption? | | | | also batter their children. In fact, according to child |
| No, it is simply the gender we hear about more | | | | abuse experts, intimate partner violence is the best |
| often. Most people will tell you domestic violence is a | | | | predictor of child abuse. Some pediatricians say it's |
| women's issue, however statistics show that 37% of | | | | the number one indicator of child abuse. |
| domestic abuse victims each year are in fact men. | | | | The answer to this question regarding the impact on |
| I think of it as a human issue. The dynamics of | | | | children, Luanna, can fill volumes. Suffice it to say, |
| abusive relationships when the victimized partner is a | | | | domestic abuse is damaging from the inside out, from |
| man are the same as the dynamics when it is a | | | | the core of your being. And when that being is in its |
| woman. In my own psychotherapy practice, the only | | | | formative years, development can be impaired |
| difference I see between victimized men and women | | | | profoundly. This including emotional, social, cognitive, |
| is the economic resources and the social political | | | | behavioral and psychological development. |
| issues surrounding their circumstances. | | | | Question: What would be your advice to someone |
| Question: How would you define an "abusive | | | | reading this article that suspects they are a victim of |
| relationship?" Does abuse always mean physical? | | | | spousal or partner abuse? What steps should they |
| An abusive relationship is one in which there is | | | | take now to help themselves? |
| ongoing and intentional violation by one intimate | | | | There are three critical things one must do if you |
| partner to another. And the primary underlying | | | | think you're in a relationship in which there is intimate |
| mechanism establishing and maintaining the abusive | | | | partner violence. |
| relationship is control. | | | | 1) Identify the condition clearly and accurately, and |
| Battering is what is used to maintain the dynamic of | | | | you will treat it more effectively and successfully. If |
| unequal power in the relationship. And this battering | | | | you don't, one day you will treat it like it is alcohol |
| can be physical, emotional, psychological or verbal | | | | abuse, and then it may look like partner abuse or |
| abuse. | | | | narcissistic personality, or even intermittent explosive |
| Question: What are some signs that someone is in an | | | | disorder. You can go round and round essentially not |
| abusive relationship? | | | | treating it at all, if you fail to diagnose it. |
| Your best indicators are internal, and they are known | | | | 2) Surrender responsibility for your partner's battering |
| from within. You are usually the first to know, yet | | | | behavior. And this includes accountability for it and |
| more often than not the last to admit it. On a primal | | | | responsibility to "fix" it, as well as one's belief that |
| level, you feel violated and it hurts. You experience | | | | you have the wherewithal to fix it. This will enhance |
| yourself as being oppressed, manipulated, | | | | prognosis more than any other therapeutic change. |
| controlled...caged. Much of the time you live your life | | | | 3) Secure support external to the relationship abuse. |
| as though you are walking on eggshells. | | | | The operative word here, that is the important word |
| Your partner will exhibit all of the classic signs of a | | | | is "external." You want an alignment with a source of |
| batterer, like: possessiveness, excessive jealously, | | | | support that does not support your own internal |
| controlling-manipulative behavior, hypersensitivity, and | | | | denial or personal confusion, but rather helps you |
| of course the behavioral and mood shifts of a Dr. | | | | shine the light on your inner and outer world so |
| Jekyll /Mr. Hyde personality. | | | | clearly that it escorts you to safety and well-being, |
| Question: Dr. King, when a person is in this type of | | | | before the abuse spirals out of control. |
| relationship, is it true that they are very guarded? If | | | | As confirmed by Dr. King, domestic violence can be |
| so, how does a person who is being abused find help | | | | harmful, and in many cases devastating, to the entire |
| without publicizing the problem? | | | | family. Diagnosing the problem and recognizing the |
| Guarded is not the way I would describe it, but as an | | | | effect abuse has on a person and a family is the first |
| outsider looking in I can see how one might use that | | | | step to recovery. Remember that there is help for a |
| word. I suppose you are referring to her/his | | | | person in an abusive relationship. And fortunately, |
| cautiousness and possible display of hyper-vigilance. | | | | there is always hope. |