| Most weeks, I receive emails the gist of which is: | | | | There is something incredibly powerful about sharing |
| "how do I get out, when I don't know where to go, | | | | with other women - who do understand - her |
| what to do and feel utterly devoid of resources?" | | | | partner's bad behaviours. And discovering that they |
| What do you do when know you need to bring | | | | can almost finish each other's sentences and stories. |
| about huge changes in your life and the mere | | | | Because abusive men all appear, at some point, to |
| thought is enough to paralyse you? | | | | have attended Abusive Man School, where they |
| Someone once famously said: "You do what you can, | | | | learned the same threats, insults, gestures, temper |
| from where you are, with what you have." No more | | | | tantrums, sulks and excuses. |
| and no less: what you can, from where you are with | | | | What these women have been through can never be |
| what you have, however great or small that may be | | | | termed funny. Still they start to see their partner's |
| right now. It doesn't matter. You can't know how | | | | temper tantrums for what they are - and they laugh |
| little it may take to effect the change that will tun | | | | at the 'snit fits'. |
| your life around. | | | | That laughter comes from an extraordinarily profound |
| And you trust. You start to trust in the nature of | | | | courage and breaks the bonds that locked them into |
| change. | | | | their partner's moods. It's not a solution, but it does |
| You may have reached the limits of what you know | | | | mark a big step forward. That laughter enables them |
| you can do, but that doesn't mean you have come | | | | to connect honestly with other people once again. So |
| anywhere near the limits of what is possible. Not by | | | | they start to break out of the isolation their partner |
| a long chalk. | | | | imposed on them. |
| "If nothing changes, nothing changes" may be a | | | | Beyond that, I always urge women to find 10 things |
| truism, but it bears thinking about. Not least, because | | | | to celebrate in their day, and to celebrate them last |
| the opposite is equally true: "If something changes, | | | | thing at night, before they go to sleep. Again, you |
| even something small, everything changes". Any | | | | start from where you are with what you have. You |
| change destabilizes the existing situation, albeit | | | | may celebrate something your child, or a friend, has |
| piecemeal, in ways that you might not even register | | | | said to you. You may celebrate having a roof over |
| at first. | | | | your head, or enough food to eat, or the sunshine, |
| So suppose you're in this place where you feel | | | | the beauty of a flower, a child's smile. The choice is |
| paralysed and devoid of resources? You still do what | | | | yours. |
| you can, from where you are, with what you have. | | | | Time and again, when I say this to women who are |
| First of all, you honour your own courage and | | | | in the depths of despair, they initially assume I must |
| awareness, because you know what you want to | | | | be a cross between Pollyanna and a moron. And |
| do, despite all the brainwashing. There is something | | | | when they start to practise this, they are amazed at |
| incredibly resilient inside you that will not give up and | | | | what a shift it brings about in their feelings about |
| die despite all you have been through. | | | | themselves and the world |
| Every thought, every hope and dream you entertain, | | | | It won't turn an abusive partner into a nice guy, any |
| however fleetingly, of something better is a seed | | | | more than Danny De Vito can turn into Brad Pitt, but |
| that will grow. The root system is already strong and | | | | it will start the process of restoring joy and |
| vigorous. | | | | confidence to your life. |
| Then you start to do whatever you can, from | | | | Once your joy and confidence start to revive so to |
| where you are. | | | | will your intuition and your sense of empowerment. |
| Next you continue to seek out the support you | | | | At that point, with your sense of your self and your |
| need, both from sources like "The Woman You | | | | gifts, qualities and resources in place, you will have |
| Want To Be" ezine and from whatever groups in the | | | | faith in your ability to make good decisions. You will |
| real world are available to you. | | | | be able to get out successfully and create a better |
| One thing that always strikes me when working with | | | | life for yourself and your children. |
| an abused woman for the first time, is the sense of | | | | Start the process of getting out by doing what you |
| relief and reassurance she gets from discovering that | | | | can, from where you are, with what you have; and |
| she is 'not the only one'. Not only does she realise | | | | trust. No need to worry about how it will pan out; |
| that it isn't 'her fault', but she can enter into a society | | | | the results will amaze and delight you. Just trust, |
| of her peers, with no lies, no cover-ups and no | | | | commit and watch it unfold. |
| shame. | | | | |