| "body"> | | | | makes you feel bad if you will not comply with your |
| So you've finally found the courage to finish with | | | | partner's seemingly humble request to be friends. |
| your partner, driven to it by the knowledge that he | | | | What he actually wants is confirmation that he still |
| has treated you badly for too long. Finally you | | | | has some power over you. Behind his protestations |
| understand that it's never going to work out, he's | | | | of friendship it is not hard to read the subtext of |
| never going to give you the acknowledgement you | | | | fury and frustration. If you were to meet up with |
| want and need. | | | | him again over a cup of coffee he might be nice to |
| All of a sudden, he sees you, and his behaviour, in a | | | | you. He might play the lovesick swain, or the |
| different light. Can't you at least be friends and see | | | | wronged friend or suitor, or he might revert to |
| what can come out of the situation? | | | | abusive type again, even before his coffee went |
| When you have worked with abused women for | | | | cold. |
| some time as I have, it is easy to be clear, and | | | | He would, at the very least, see that his persistence |
| clever, about their situation. When you're standing on | | | | had paid off and he would push for more contact |
| the sideline it's easy to see the big, ugly picture and | | | | and another meeting. Things would rapidly move into |
| to feel detached compassion. | | | | a downward spiral for her, a reassuring sense of his |
| Abusive men generally respond to the news that | | | | power for him. |
| they have been dumped in certain ways. These | | | | Leaving an abusive man is never easy. Women are |
| include: | | | | most at risk when the relationship breaks down. |
| · Declarations of undying love. Suddenly your | | | | It's easy to see why you could argue that throwing |
| abuser 'morphs' into a lovesick swain (or swine). Just | | | | an abusive man the sop of friendship might keep his |
| give him one more chance and he will be your | | | | anger in check. Naturally, he hates being ignored. But |
| perfect lover - for the next few days or weeks | | | | it remains the safest course of action. |
| anyway, until old patterns win out. | | | | Every week I hear from women who want to 'be |
| · Abject apology. He could have, should | | | | friends' with their abusive ex. What they are actually |
| have, would have done better if only he had realized. | | | | saying is code for wanting to have some kind of |
| (So, why, oh why, would you want to go back to | | | | relationship with him that makes them feel good |
| someone who was so insensitive to your feelings? | | | | about themselves. |
| And yet we do.) | | | | So here is the bald, ugly fact: when your relationship |
| · The desire to be your friend. | | | | with someone who made you feel bad about |
| · Threats and violence. Usually when he sees | | | | yourself ends, changing the name of the relationship |
| that the other behaviours aren't working. | | | | and continuing won't leave you feeling any better |
| Whether or not your ex indulges in the declarations | | | | about yourself. |
| of undying love, he will probably be at his most | | | | A friend of mine used to talk about: "same old sh*t, |
| apologetic now. He's finally realized what an amazing | | | | different wrapper". As far as friendship with an |
| person you are (and isn't that music to your ears?). | | | | abusive ex-partner goes, she wasn't far off the |
| So you can at least be friends, cant you? You | | | | mark. The only thing is, under the guise of friendship |
| probably want to. After all, it's better than severing all | | | | you will be exposing yourself to even greater risk |
| contact with someone you once loved, isn't it? | | | | than you were before. |
| But here's the thing: you weren't friends in the first | | | | When you decide to leave an abusive relationship you |
| place. | | | | have only two choices: you can move on or you can |
| The friendship ploy is one that abusive men use | | | | go down. One thing above all others you must have |
| frequently, without any sense of irony. If we accept | | | | learned in your abusive relationship; there is no hope |
| the dictionary definition of a friend as 'a person with | | | | of compromise. The only compromise that was ever |
| whom one enjoys mutual affection and regard' then | | | | made was made by you. |
| an abusive relationship offers no foundation for | | | | You have a choice: would you rather 'be friends' with |
| friendship. And yet we are taught from an early age | | | | your ex, or have a life and a future? Rest assured, |
| not to turn away the hand of friendship. | | | | you can't have both. |
| Of course there are strings attached. Of course he | | | | |