| What has been the most comment ailment of the | | | | The cycle violence generally follows a pattern. Often |
| past few decades? Not cancer, AIDS, drug abuse or | | | | the batterer will say that the victim is the one |
| heart disease, but violence. More people have died | | | | responsible for his rage and that he wouldn't need to |
| violently in the past century than in any other. There | | | | hit, if the victim didn't "make him" angry. After a |
| is no basis for assuming that the next decade will be | | | | violent episode, the batterer may apologize, promise |
| any less violent because we are not taking any steps | | | | to make it up to the victim, blame his behavior on |
| to make it so. | | | | alcohol, stress at work, etc., and promise that the |
| Every year, there are millions of acts of violence. | | | | violence will stop. At those times, he may behave in |
| Some are fatal, some result in permanent injury or | | | | a loving manner, and the victim wants to trust that |
| mental scars. Others end up orphaning their children | | | | he means what he says. The victim may respond by |
| and widowing their spouses. There are public and | | | | trying to change their behavior to please the |
| private agencies attempting to deal with the plague | | | | batterer, only to find that he becomes enraged |
| of violence in our country, but their focus seems to | | | | about something else. It may always be something |
| be on the overt act, such as firing handguns or | | | | else. Over the course of time, the victim might even |
| battering spouses. If they can prevent these acts, | | | | start to believe that the violence is your fault. The |
| they feel that they will have prevented violence. But | | | | victim's self-esteem may begin to unravel until they |
| the underlying issues that instigate the individual to | | | | may feel virtually powerless in their relationship with |
| seek violent solutions has not been identified or | | | | him. |
| addressed. Another mistake that we make is to treat | | | | It is important to remind yourself that there is never |
| violence as if it were a natural force, an animal | | | | a circumstance under which you or your children, if |
| instinct which we have no power to control. Criminals | | | | you have them, should be subjected to physical |
| have been using this excuse for years. It exempts | | | | abuse. If at any time conversations or interactions |
| them from the consequences of their self-indulgent | | | | become physically threatening, the individuals need to |
| behavior. We need to stop taking these self-serving | | | | walk away and separate. If physical safety cannot be |
| alibis at face value if we hope to break the cycle of | | | | established, call the police immediately to ensure |
| violence. | | | | personal wellbeing |
| The cycle is not transmitted by our genetic | | | | Do not take their anger personally, as if it were a |
| inheritance from our less evolved ancestors. It was | | | | reflection on your self-worth as a person. |
| modeled for us by the significant others we | | | | Self-respecting people who are in control of |
| encountered in our young lives. We learn to accept | | | | themselves and are confident in their ability to cope |
| brutality as an efficient problem solving technique. It | | | | are less likely to be victimized then people who doubt |
| requires no cerebral exertion at all. Kids who were | | | | their self-worth. It is also important not to protect |
| exposed to violence often raise their kids using | | | | violent people from the consequences of their |
| violence. They feel justified in doing so, "If it was | | | | behavior. Do not make excuses for them. That is |
| good enough for me, its good enough for them. | | | | enabling! They behave violently because there are no |
| That's fair." We cannot argue with this childish logic. It | | | | consequences and they can get away with it, |
| is not logic at all. There is no rational think involved. It | | | | someone is letting them. By offering consequences |
| is the emotional convictions that were formalized in | | | | to others for their choices, you are letting them |
| their childhood being replayed on an endless loop. An | | | | know what is unacceptable. It takes courage |
| emotional legacy passed on from one generation to | | | | because anger and violence is scary. But if we give |
| the next. | | | | into this fear, the violence will win and everyone |
| It should be noted, that the notion of learning by | | | | loses. |
| example is not absolute. Some children of non-violent | | | | If you have an anger problem in your home, job or |
| parents become violent on their own. Conversely, | | | | family, do not let yourself be drawn into a power |
| many children of violent parents reject this brutal | | | | struggle over who can hurt whom. Acts of violence |
| example. Some go to the extreme of crusading | | | | are a symptom of anger. Do not deal with |
| against violence. Others find a middle ground, where | | | | symptoms, for they are just smoke and mirrors for |
| they can solve interpersonal problems cooperatively | | | | the deeper issues. Instead it can help to respond to a |
| as equal members of the human race. | | | | false accusation or situation of unfairness with a |
| There is no instinct for beating up first-graders. If | | | | focusing question, "What happened to make you so |
| there were, everyone would be doing it, not just | | | | angry?" Even if you do not get an answer right |
| bullies. Civilized human beings take time to learn how | | | | away, you have given their behavior a name and |
| to manage their emotions. The problem is that hardly | | | | offered them permission to talk about it. You have |
| anyone has the time to teach it these days. We | | | | done the unexpected, which disrupts the eye for an |
| should be teaching young people how to express | | | | eye revenge seeking expectation that is typical with |
| their anger appropriately, finding a middle ground | | | | being hurt. Ask another question, "What angered you |
| between too much and too little. We should teach | | | | the most about it?" You can offer them some |
| them how to identify the underlying problems that | | | | choices by giving the individual an alternative outlet |
| lead them to take others' behavior personally. We all | | | | for their out of control anger. We can ask, "What |
| have buttons that can be pushed, such as: | | | | would you prefer instead?" These questions are like |
| "I want my way and you are not giving it to me." | | | | seeds in a garden, you may not get growth |
| "It's not fair." | | | | immediately, but with time you can have an abundant |
| "You are wrong." | | | | harvest. |
| "You betrayed me." | | | | Using these focusing questions helps to gain an |
| "You don't appreciate me" | | | | understanding, rather then forcing agreement. These |
| "You're a bully." | | | | questions are a way to get beyond the smoke and |
| These comments first arise in childhood and make us | | | | mirror of defensiveness and pleading your case. |
| vulnerable to becoming excessively angry. If these | | | | Theses questions helps to peel the onion and that is |
| patterns of thinking can be identified and put in a | | | | where the meat of the problems is, but man it stinks |
| more manageable perspective, we would be less | | | | and causes tears along the way. After you have |
| vulnerable to over-reacting and the violence statistics | | | | focused their anger at those who have caused them |
| would go down. As it is now, we are not well | | | | to lash out, you can ask, "Who else are you angry |
| educated in these matters because we are denying | | | | at?" In almost every case of violence, the assaulter is |
| that we have an anger problem. We prefer to call | | | | angry at themselves for some failure or weakness |
| our problem violence. As a consequence of our denial, | | | | for which they feels guilty and at fault. This can |
| we are a nation with a high rate of aggression. | | | | make some sense if we see their violence as a way |
| However, the issue is not violence or aggression, the | | | | to punish themselves and bring about their own pain |
| issue is mismanaged anger. There is no violence | | | | for the guilt they feel. Simply put when we are angry |
| without anger. Violence is an emotional response to | | | | at ourselves, we act in ways to bring about our own |
| being hurt or threatened. Our epidemic of gang | | | | pain as punishment for the choices we have made. |
| violence and murder are not senseless crimes, they | | | | This is their self-contempt. The antidote consists of |
| are crimes of anger. Most perpetrators have been | | | | replacing self-contempt with self-respect. Self-respect |
| through the medical and legal system, which leaves | | | | is the feeling that we are worth-while human beings |
| their anger undiagnosed and untreated. The present | | | | in spite of our faults and imperfections. At the same |
| system refuses to help. It does not seem to know | | | | time, exaggerated behaviors of anger are replaced |
| what to do about anger except to use medication or | | | | with appropriate self expression that uses words to |
| incarceration. No one is learning anything. | | | | describe how we feel. |