| The Next Step: Denial | | | | - and surely it will pass. When the occurrences |
| In Part I, we looked at the initial progression of the | | | | become more common, she questions him or informs |
| verbally or emotionally abusive relationship. Although | | | | him that he is hurting her feelings, but he is |
| the enabler-victim tries to overlook consistently | | | | unwavering and unapologetic. You are the one who is |
| hurtful actions at the hands of her abuser, the abuse | | | | failing him, he contends. Although his reasoning seems |
| not only continues; it increases. | | | | strange, his insistence on being right makes her |
| In the final few sentences of my first article I wrote, | | | | question whether she is, as he would say, |
| "...this person whom you have loved and tried to | | | | overreacting. In the end, her efforts to get him to |
| please is hurting you and doesn't care." | | | | hear her are unsuccessful. |
| In a relationship with an abuser, what I have written | | | | From there it is a downhill slide. The victim begins to |
| is, for all intents and purposes, true. Understand that | | | | become accustomed to overlooking his callous |
| an abuser wants the victim in his life, but on his | | | | remarks and actions. She must rationalize them away |
| terms. "An abuser will do anything to keep you, but | | | | as a matter of self-preservation. She believes that, |
| nothing to take care of you." | | | | with time and the right collection of influences |
| Nevertheless, the enabler-victim would probably be | | | | (particularly her kind attention and positive example), |
| tempted to say that the abuser "doesn't seem to | | | | these hurtful incidents will cease, and he will come to |
| care." The difference in perception is crucial. We | | | | appreciate not only who she is, but he will suddenly |
| enablers use mind-bending logic to attempt to | | | | see with new eyes the patience and care his partner |
| rationalize both our abuser's actions and our reasons | | | | has exerted to help him see the error of his ways. |
| for waiting for him to change. To the enabler's way | | | | At that point (she has convinced herself), he will be |
| of thinking, the abuser really does care, it's just that | | | | doubly smitten and finally begin to treat her with the |
| he is having a hard time acknowledging or showing it. | | | | care and affection she has longed for for so long. He |
| Okay, brace yourself: that's not true. If he cared, he | | | | wants to love her; he just doesn't know how. |
| would show it, and you would know it. | | | | The abuser continues to dismiss his spouse's |
| Here denial rears its ugly head. Of course, it was | | | | concerns, shuns her or rages at her when she fails to |
| birthed many months or years before. Early on, when | | | | meet his impossible expectations, and the enabler is |
| the abuser says or does something hurtful, the | | | | still convinced that she is simply missing something. |
| victim's heart is so stunned by something malicious | | | | There must be a key to his love eludes her, and she |
| that he says or does that she must quickly rationalize | | | | is determined to find it in spite of her ongoing misery. |
| in her mind that he certainly couldn't have meant it. | | | | This is where, looking back, an enabler-victim |
| Maybe he was having a bad day, or other issues in | | | | wonders why she held on, why she continued to |
| his life were making him uncharacteristically impatient. | | | | subject herself to his unending treachery - in her own |
| The verbal slap was an accident, a slip of the tongue, | | | | home. |
| or misdirected anger. It must be temporary - a phase | | | | |