| A few years ago we took our daughter and her | | | | being built. It is your life that can be destroyed. You |
| friends to Imire Game Park, near the small town of | | | | can start with a relationship that is sound and solid |
| Marondera in Zimbabwe, for her birthday party. It | | | | and get to a point where your mentor is intimidated |
| was an exhilarating day, which was capped by a | | | | by who you are. When you continue in that |
| game drive. We saw an interesting phenomenon | | | | relationship, you will self-destruct. You should be able |
| when we met a herd of buffalo. This herd included a | | | | to say, "Thank you very much. I really appreciate |
| towering elephant who acted as the matriarch. This | | | | what you have done. I will always respect you but I |
| elephant grew up with the buffalo and thought that it | | | | think at this stage I am moving on". You control the |
| is a buffalo. It protected and defended them. It | | | | relationship and never the other way. |
| refuses to associate with elephant herds. At one | | | | You cannot stand before the throne of God or any |
| time a bull elephant was introduced to her for mating. | | | | court of law to say, "I am not liable for my actions |
| They were kept in the same pen. It attacked and | | | | since my mentor counselled me to do this". At the |
| killed the intruder because it felt that its turf was | | | | end of the day you are accountable for all the |
| being invaded and its authority undermined. This | | | | decisions you make. It does not matter how much |
| elephant thought that it was a buffalo. Psychologically | | | | counsel you get - it is your life and destiny at stake, |
| it was improperly nurtured and was not exposed to | | | | and therefore you have the final responsibility over all |
| mature elephants and therefore its thinking is warped. | | | | decisions affecting your life. It is your responsibility to |
| It has lived its life below par. Though it protects the | | | | live your life according to your understanding of the |
| herd of buffalo, it aggressively attacks any would-be | | | | revelation of the will of God, not according to your |
| threat to its authority. Its strong nurturing instinct | | | | mentor's understanding. However you are also liable |
| when coupled to its warped sense of identity made | | | | for the consequences of that understanding should it |
| it a menace to any potential champions in the herd. | | | | prove deficient. |
| She was happy as long as the buffalo and members | | | | I take in counsel but I retain the final responsibility. |
| of the herd were in their place and no one dared to | | | | Similarly business executives have final responsibility |
| rise to championship. | | | | over the recommendations of consultants. They |
| Sadly there are dysfunctional mentoring relationships | | | | cannot shirk responsibility on the basis of the |
| with mentors who act like the matriarchal elephant | | | | consultant's opinion. They still need to assess the |
| among buffalo. They will support and encourage their | | | | consultant's input and then make a decision whose |
| charges as long as they do not outgrow the | | | | consequences they will live with. My pastor always |
| matriarchal elephant. Any growth beyond a certain | | | | says we are not guided by prophetic words. They |
| level of influence poses a threat to the mentor who | | | | are not the rule of thumb for the way we live. I |
| then seeks to destroy the protege. Although | | | | seek to understand them and interpret them and |
| mentoring is a force for good, if abused it can | | | | make the final decision. I am finally accountable for |
| destroy rather than nurture champions. Mentoring can | | | | every decision I make. Even if it's my mentor who |
| build you or sow seeds for your destruction | | | | told me to do it, if I am not in agreement I am able |
| depending on the spirit and character of your mentor. | | | | to tell him that I am still weighing my options. I should |
| Mentoring is excellent but it has its pitfalls. There are | | | | be able to engage my mentor and let him explain his |
| some dysfunctional mentoring relationships. | | | | reasoning and the assumptions of his counsel. I do |
| Consider this biblical case. Eli, the priest, had problems | | | | not have to do it simply because he told me to. |
| restraining his children who abused women and | | | | I led a young man to Christ in 1984 and mentored |
| sacrifices at the temple in ancient Israel. He mentored | | | | him. By God's grace he qualified as a medical |
| Samuel, the prophet who was brought to the temple | | | | practitioner. At some point I caught him trying to |
| by her mother. In later years he also had problems | | | | recruit some of my staff away from me. Such is life. |
| restraining his children who became unruly. Samuel | | | | Mentoring relationships do not always work out the |
| mentored David who subsequently had problems | | | | way you think. You have things like that. You will |
| restraining his own children. It appears to me that | | | | develop people and they steal your business or |
| mentoring has potential to pass on the weaknesses | | | | customers. Some of your star sales people whom |
| of the mentor as well. In biblical language this could | | | | you have groomed will turn around and hurt you. But |
| be considered as a form of transference/impartation | | | | you need to have the capacity to forgive and keep |
| of spirits. It is known psychologically that when we | | | | blessing people because your call is to influence |
| communicate intimately we communicate our words | | | | people for God and to touch the world for him. He |
| as well as our moods, attitudes and our spiritual | | | | never said everybody will appreciate you, neither did |
| demeanour. Is it possible that we can also pass on | | | | he say there will be no challenges. So as mentors, |
| our negative character flaws as well as what could | | | | you will be hurt but you need to move on and keep |
| be called generational iniquities? | | | | building people. That's life. You will not stop nurturing |
| I know an organisation where people complain about | | | | though others disappoint you. It is therefore apparent |
| certain characteristics, mannerisms and dysfunctional | | | | that dysfunctional mentoring can also originate from |
| leadership styles of the founder. Yet the majority of | | | | the emerging champion. |
| the middle managers in that organisation behave | | | | Dysfunctional mentoring does not occur as often as |
| exactly the same way towards their subordinates. | | | | good relationships. However it's important to |
| One day I said to one of the middle mangers, "Do | | | | recognise that dysfunctional mentoring does exist |
| you realize that you are repeating the leader's | | | | and can have severe consequences. There is |
| behaviours that you disdain?" He was shocked. What | | | | potential for mentoring relationships to change over |
| they detested in their leader, they replicated in their | | | | time and become dissatisfying and destructive as |
| own lives. By relating to that mentor they inherited | | | | individual needs and/or organizational circumstances |
| his weaknesses as well. When you relate closely to a | | | | change. It is therefore possible for a perfectly sound |
| person the spirit that works in them is transferred to | | | | mentoring relationship to turn dysfunctional. Since |
| you as well. That's why you eventually have intimate | | | | mentoring relationships are often intimate, the |
| people behave in very similar ways. | | | | consequences of negative interactions could be |
| One way to control for the weaknesses of mentors | | | | detrimental to both mentoring partners and other |
| is to have multiple mentors, in which case one will | | | | related parties. |
| cover for the other. In certain critical areas you must | | | | A recent study concluded that mentoring is not a |
| have a number of people you are accountable to. | | | | simple, all-or-none matter but falls along a continuum |
| That protects you. Proverbs says, "In the multitude | | | | of effectiveness. Individuals in highly satisfying |
| of counsellors there is safety". The good thing about | | | | mentoring relationships reported more positive |
| multiple mentors is that it restores the responsibility | | | | attitudes than non-mentored individuals, but the |
| to make the final decision to the protege. The | | | | attitudes of those in dissatisfying or marginally |
| mentors give different perspectives but it is the | | | | satisfying relationships were equivalent to those of |
| responsibility of the emerging champion to analyse | | | | non-mentored individuals. In some cases |
| the diverse views and then take an informed | | | | non-mentored individuals expressed more positive |
| decision. Too many people substitute mentors for | | | | attitudes than people in dissatisfying relationships. |
| their own decision-making responsibility. It's a fear of | | | | Although it is clear that good mentoring leads to |
| being responsible for the consequences of their | | | | positive outcomes, bad mentoring may be |
| decisions and so they look for mentors who would | | | | destructive. In some cases, it may be worse than no |
| carry the risk. The Makoni amplified version of the | | | | mentoring at all. Although truly dysfunctional |
| Shona proverb says, "For maximum benefit from | | | | mentoring relationships are likely to terminate, |
| counsel, have the ability to think independently about | | | | relationships that are marginally effective may simply |
| the counsel given." | | | | endure. Perhaps these relationships endure because |
| If a mentor is uncomfortable with you consulting | | | | the mentoring partner receives some limited help |
| others, it is likely that he is seeking control. You | | | | from the mentor, or because he does not want to |
| should be able to have brainstorming sessions with | | | | risk negative repercussions from terminating the |
| both mentors sometimes. It does not have to be | | | | relationship. Perhaps, these marginal, dependent or |
| adversarial. They are on the same team whose brief | | | | abusive relationships serve needs that are simply |
| and mandate is to facilitate your achieving maximum | | | | dysfunctional; some individuals may seek |
| impact. | | | | dysfunctional work relationships just as they seek |
| I want to state categorically that in a mentoring | | | | dysfunctional home relationships. Dysfunctional |
| relationship the control remains with the protege. If | | | | mentoring relationships may result in more harm than |
| you believe that your mentor is too controlling, it's up | | | | not being mentored. |
| to you to draw the boundary. It is your life that is | | | | |