| "Trust your abilities; you have what it takes to | | | | desperation. I once knew someone whose favourite |
| succeed. Your self-confidence just hasn't caught up | | | | phrase was: "Think the worst of people and you'll |
| yet." | | | | never be disappointed." He never was. But he had no |
| I wish I had penned these words, because I guess I | | | | friends and he ended up alienating his family also. He |
| have spent years trying to convey as pithily to | | | | was so focused on looking for ways in which people |
| abused women that they already possess what they | | | | would disappoint him, that he always found them. He |
| need to have a happy life; their self-belief just hasn't | | | | didn't give or receive much joy in his life. |
| caught up yet. But it wasn't me, it was Pamela | | | | Not infrequently women ask me: "But if I dare to set |
| Gilberd, author of "The 11 Commandments of Wildly | | | | my sights on good things, how can will I be able cope |
| Successful Women". | | | | with the pain of being disappointed?" |
| Ultimately, what's important is not who wrote them, | | | | For her the anticipation of disappointment was too |
| but that the people who need to hear them truly | | | | great a risk to take. She feared it could be the straw |
| heed them. | | | | that would break the camel's back. For years she had |
| Abused women are a strange group in that, if you | | | | felt safer dismissing any hopeful message as so much |
| say anything positive and complimentary about them, | | | | hot air. For her, optimistic people were simply the |
| they are Teflon coated. It slides straight off them. | | | | naïve ones who don't see the pratfalls along the |
| "Ah, yes but..." they will say, before they proceed to | | | | way. She only had to hear anything remotely positive |
| a full-blown put down of themselves. They are | | | | to go into "I've heard it all before" stance. |
| programmed not to hear any of the good things that | | | | And she had heard it all before. We all have. Maybe |
| they so desperately need to hear. | | | | we need to hear it many, many times before we |
| There is only one source that they truly want to | | | | finally realize that anything that keeps us in the same |
| hear good things from, and that is | | | | old pit of misery is not doing a very good job of |
| He-Who-Will-Never-Waste-His-Breath-Making-His | | | | protecting us. |
| Partner-Feel-Good-About-Herself. (Or at least, he | | | | Misery, demoralization and desperation really should |
| won't do it without a subtext. Witness the abusive | | | | come with a government health warning. But they |
| ex who had a marvellously begrudging way of saying: | | | | don't. |
| "You look nice", that suggested a far less reassuring | | | | It's rather like buying clothes. When the weather |
| subtext about not being able to tell a book by its | | | | suddenly turns bitterly cold, here in the UK, it's always |
| cover. Naturally the woman in question heard the | | | | a rude shock. Suddenly I feel peeved that the little |
| unspoken subtext loud and clear every time.) | | | | light mid-season (!) clothes I bought in early |
| Abused women hear and retain every single negative | | | | September are not too warm. Back in September my |
| comment that an abusive partner ever makes about | | | | head knew that they weren't very warm and that it |
| them. They also register every negative comment | | | | would get colder; but my emotions were saying: "No, |
| from every other source with any access to them. | | | | this is the way it is, this is the way it will stay. They'll |
| But, to a woman, they all suffer selective deafness | | | | be perfect." Absurdly, every year the change of the |
| when it comes to the positives. Where alchemists | | | | seasons and the temperature comes as a surprise. |
| tried, and failed, to turn base metals into gold, abused | | | | Misery too is just a season, albeit a long-lived one |
| women succeed in turning gold ore into base metal. | | | | sometimes. |
| They succeed way beyond their abusive partners' | | | | A woman who wrote telling me she feared |
| best imaginings. | | | | disappointment decided that she was no longer |
| They can discover a negative subtext or implication | | | | prepared to accept the trade off she had made. She |
| in any positive remark, however innocent, if that | | | | came to see she had voluntarily embraced a worldly |
| remark is directed at them. So, "You show | | | | cynicism and deep unhappiness to keep her from |
| tremendous courage in trying to hold a difficult | | | | disappointment. She recognised that she had chosen |
| situation together in your children's best interest", | | | | a lose-lose situation. |
| becomes: "I know what you are saying, I'm too | | | | Instead she decided she was prepared to take the |
| weak and pathetic to leave." | | | | emotional risk being open to pleasant surprises. She |
| They have been taught to believe the worst about | | | | realized that a lot of the negativity she had lived by |
| themselves. They have learned, by bitter experience, | | | | had grown out of emotional claptrap that other |
| that only bad things happen to women in abusive | | | | people had foisted on her. |
| relationships. They then extrapolate that only bad | | | | How did she make that shift? Maybe she just stood |
| things ever happen to them. That's like saying that | | | | still long enough for her intelligence, her courage and a |
| because you have had a crash in a red car once, bad | | | | deep seated belief in herself to catch up with her. |
| things will always happen to you in a red car... | | | | When are you going to stand still quietly long enough |
| What this does is compound their sadness and their | | | | for your amazing qualities to catch up with you? |