| Emotional abuse doesn't stop the day you walk away | | | | So how do you 'do' emotional abuse recovery? |
| from an emotionally abusive partner. Unfortunately, it | | | | 1) Understand that change is inevitable and that you |
| will probably continue to affect you long after your | | | | have the power to make all the changes you want |
| abusive partner has become history, unless you | | | | and need. Sure, you may not be able to make them |
| discover what emotional abuse really is and how best | | | | right now, because you may not even know exactly |
| to overcome it. | | | | what you want and need. What you can do, is start |
| Emotional abuse is any judgement, from any source, | | | | making one or two small changes and maybe add a |
| humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People have | | | | few others as you go along; maybe adding a little |
| a right to pass comment on errors you have made. | | | | self-care into your daily routine. |
| They are never justified in suggesting that the errors | | | | The psychological burden of an abusive relationship is |
| you have made undermines your human worth. | | | | actually like a massive boulder. You can't push it |
| Emotional abuse keeps you focused on the past; and | | | | away, but a few small changes act like putting a |
| seeing the future only through the negative | | | | plank under it. The leverage you'll gain will allow you |
| perspective of the abusive relationship. When you're | | | | to roll that boulder away, faster than you might think |
| in an emotionally abusive relationship, your partner will | | | | possible. |
| always remind you of everything you have ever | | | | 2) Start to reprogram your mind. You can wait until |
| done wrong - and visit on you their prediction that | | | | things get better to start believing that they will; or |
| you will never change for the better. | | | | you can fast-track your recovery by starting to |
| How does your partner know this? Actually, they | | | | believe in and look for improvements. Whatever you |
| don't. It's only their opinion. | | | | look for, you will see. Whether your glass is half-full |
| Emotional abuse brainwashes you into taking | | | | or half-empty, it's still the same glass and the same |
| whatever bad things your partner says about you as | | | | volume of liquid. The only difference is how you'll feel |
| gospel. If they can be so sure, when you are feeling | | | | about it. How do you want to feel? |
| so confused and undermined, then they must be | | | | 3) Get support. You can find support from a refuge, |
| right. In fact, they sound so certain because they are | | | | from a group for survivors of domestic violence - |
| heavily invested in what they're saying. They need | | | | and make no mistake emotional abuse is domestic |
| you to believe it so they can maintain their power | | | | violence - from a counsellor, coach or other |
| over you. | | | | professional who understands how you have been |
| You can't be sure whether what your partner says | | | | affected by emotional abuse. |
| 'counts' as abuse or not. After all, he doesn't hit you; | | | | 4) Get information. Not only will you find out that |
| he's just telling it like it is. Maybe, it's just you being | | | | you're not the only one to fall for an abusive partner, |
| too sensitive, or too demanding, or too unreasonable. | | | | you'll see that all abusive partners are clones. Some |
| That's what he tells you. So you end up worrying: "Is | | | | hit, some don't, but they all behave in much the |
| it? Isn't it?" Because you'll only feel 100% justified in | | | | same way; they all say pretty much the same cruel |
| taking a firm stand, if you are absolutely sure, and it's | | | | things. You'll soon start to realize that, since they all |
| so hard to be sure with words. | | | | work from the same script, what they say is not |
| In fact, if his words make you feel small, worthless | | | | about you, it's actually about them. |
| or humiliated, and he doesn't respect or consider how | | | | 5) Start to count your blessings. Yes, you've been |
| you feel, that is abusive. More important, it is | | | | through totally undeserved pain and misery and no |
| unacceptable. Hurting your feelings, or being careless | | | | doubt you are still hurting, but you have a choice. |
| of your feelings, however you choose to see it, is | | | | You can focus on the pain, or you can start to focus |
| unacceptable. Period. | | | | on what you have to celebrate. Bear in mind that |
| Until you become adept at recognising verbal and | | | | what you focus on multiplies. |
| emotional abuse you will continue to suffer it in your | | | | Consciously make time in your day, maybe last thing |
| life. Because you will continue to let friends, | | | | at night, to celebrate your health, your children's |
| acquaintances and even strangers behave in ways | | | | health, a child's smile, any good thing that has |
| that are either hurtful or careless of your feelings. | | | | happened in your day, a kindness shown to you, the |
| You will visit other people's abusive judgements on | | | | sunshine, the beauty of a flower. If you commit to |
| yourself, until you discover how to identify them and | | | | celebrating 10 blessings in a day, then you'll have to |
| get rid of them once and for all. Worse still, you'll | | | | look for them. Once you make a habit of looking for |
| confuse abuse with 'being realistic'. If ever you find | | | | them, you will surely find 10, and more. |
| yourself thinking: "They can do things, because it's | | | | Is that it? It's certainly a very good start. Everything |
| different for them, they're not as hopeless and | | | | suggested in this article will move you on from your |
| useless as I am", that is an abusive judgement. Any | | | | hurt, victim mind-set and into an awareness both of |
| assessment you make about yourself that denies | | | | your own worth and of all that there is for you to |
| your ability to create good relationships and a good | | | | look forward to. The journey of recovery from |
| life for yourself is abusive - and wrong. | | | | emotional abuse is the journey from fear, shame, |
| How can you possibly know what the future holds? | | | | and powerlessness into joyful belief in yourself and |
| After all, if you had had the gift of foresight, you | | | | the world. You don't know what the future holds, but |
| wouldn't have got involved with your abusive partner | | | | rest assured that there it will be far, far happier than |
| in the first place, would you? | | | | you can imagine right now. |