| When I asked my husband to leave and went into | | | | Working with women who know they have to put |
| group counselling for abused women, one of the | | | | an abusive relationship behind them, I am always |
| things that most struck me was the counsellor | | | | struck by the problem they have with the love they |
| saying: "The opposite of love is not hate, it's | | | | still feel. They love the investment they made in the |
| indifference". At the time it was a revelation to me. | | | | relationship, they love the person they believed their |
| The point is that hate is simply the reverse side of | | | | partner could be and was at bottom. The shorthand |
| the coin to love. You cannot hate someone unless | | | | they use for this is that they loved him. |
| you have very strong feelings about them. When | | | | In a lot of cases, their supportive, caring friends and |
| you are consumed with hurt and rage hatred may | | | | family will tell them what a jerk he was. He probably |
| feel like a more constructive outlet than love. | | | | was, but that is not helpful to the grieving woman. It |
| Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Sometimes it is helpful, in | | | | may even compound her problems by making her |
| the short term, to vocalize all the things that drove | | | | feel like the fool he has convinced her she is. |
| you mad about your partner. The downside is, of | | | | The thing is, she is entitled to love her abusive |
| course, that you remain just as focused, even | | | | partner. She is entitled to carry on loving him for the |
| fixated, on the person as you were before. You are | | | | rest of her days if she so chooses. Love after all is a |
| still hooked into powerful emotions that keep you | | | | choice we make. It's actually ok to carry on loving an |
| locked into the relationship. | | | | abusive partner, if you choose. That doesn't mean |
| And let's not kid ourselves here. The relationship | | | | you should ever spend time with him again and |
| doesn't end when an abusive partner walks out of | | | | expose yourself to the destruction he wreaks. |
| the door. (If only!) | | | | But you are free to love him. |
| I was friendly for years with a woman who had | | | | You are also free to send him loving, healing |
| stopped living with her abusive partner years ago. | | | | thoughts. Since you love him, you are free to wish |
| Their only contact was weekly, or fortnightly, over | | | | for his healing, as well as your own. You don't need |
| their two young children, and yet the abusive | | | | to know what form that healing will take, you can |
| relationship continued to be played out as powerfully | | | | wish that he finds his path so that he can fully grow |
| as it ever had been. They were still locked into the | | | | into the qualities that you found lovable in him in the |
| cycle, he of exerting power and control over her, | | | | first instance. |
| she of trying to get her voice heard. The children | | | | Not that it means that you will ever get back |
| were leverage for him, a hot button for her. | | | | together. You both have healing to do. In the best |
| They were still stuck in the push-pull relationship of | | | | Hollywood tradition, you two poor wounded soldiers |
| love and hate. Indifference wasn't even on the | | | | would support each other along the same healing |
| horizon for those two, any more than it is for many | | | | journey. Two hours later you would both be whole, |
| women who are constantly breaking up and getting | | | | loving and just about to trot off into the sunset |
| back with their ex. | | | | together to the accompaniment of a great |
| So how, you might ask, do you arrive at | | | | soundtrack... |
| indifference? I remember thinking that I might as well | | | | In the real world it takes longer - and it is actually a |
| trot off in hot pursuit of the Holy Grail as aspire to | | | | far healthier journey. There won't just be one |
| indifference. Still I flagged it up as a yard-stick by | | | | soundtrack, one person, one sunset. You will meet |
| which to measure my emotional involvement with | | | | far more people along the way, you will discover so |
| him. | | | | much about yourself and them. Your vistas will widen. |
| Have I achieved indifference? I realize that this is the | | | | It will take longer, engage more of your emotional |
| first time that I have asked myself that question and | | | | resources and, ultimately, be a far richer experience. |
| thought carefully about the answer. | | | | And what about indifference? Will you have |
| The more time goes on, the less convinced I am | | | | indifference for your abusive ex? |
| that indifference is the full answer. First, nobody tells | | | | In the best of all possible worlds I suspect you will |
| you how to arrive at indifference - and how can you | | | | not. Instead, you will have something better: |
| possibly arrive somewhere without some kind of | | | | detachment. You may be saddened that he does not |
| route map? Second, abused women are so used to | | | | fulfill his potential to be a loving, lovable person. But |
| being swept along on a rollercoaster of emotions that | | | | you will not be sad for your loss, because you will |
| indifference is almost unimaginable. You have an | | | | see that it is not a loss but a true gain. |
| emotional chasm, how will indifference fill it? | | | | By allowing yourself to acknowledge the love you |
| Third, the concept of indifference doesn't even begin | | | | feel, you set yourself free. You also set the other |
| to acknowledge all the emotions that you feel; the | | | | person free. Loving them, if that is what you choose |
| love, the hurt, the sadness, the fear, the | | | | to do, means that there is no need to own or hold |
| worthlessness. I won't go on because you can name | | | | on to them. |
| those emotions at least as well as I can. | | | | |