| The 'Joys' of Being A Victim | | | | predictions.) |
| · Being 'different' - "I'm not the same as | | | | · You get to keep thinking small. This one |
| other people because I am going though so much | | | | comes up again and again in my workshops. There |
| more sh*te." Being different lends itself to the "Yes, | | | | comes a point when women can embrace a new |
| but..." syndrome: "because I'm different, nothing you | | | | way of thinking, with new insights, new visions and |
| say applies to me. My suffering sets me apart." | | | | new hope, or stick with the known. But you can't do |
| · Being 'special' - other people don't have the | | | | both at the same time. Some women see the big |
| same intensity of emotion (read misery) that I do. | | | | picture and go straight for it. A few prefer to stay |
| This makes me special. | | | | with the small known picture. They might say: "When |
| · Having it harder than other people. Well, | | | | the mess I am in is over, then I will think bigger." But |
| you have, haven't you? It's easy to look around and | | | | for as long as they focus on the mess that mess will |
| see other people who have some support or saving | | | | dominate their consciousness. |
| grace that you don't have? Whether or not this | | | | · You avoid the challenge of feeling happy in |
| belief is true, is it useful? How does holding this belief | | | | the moment. I've heard the argument that being |
| help you to move your life forward? | | | | happy just sets you up for disappointment about as |
| · Getting the moral high ground, on account | | | | often as I've had hot dinners lately. I don't buy it. |
| of another person's appalling treatment of you. (Sure, | | | | Expecting disappointment sets you up for |
| it's pretty lonely and cold up there, but still it feels | | | | disappointment. Being happy in the moment teaches |
| better than being down in the mud where he kept | | | | you to be happy in the moment. I'm guessing that |
| you. Actually, there are other places. There are | | | | even if you can't eat in a 5 star restaurant every |
| hillsides, seasides, villages. Create a vision and you can | | | | night, you will still eat and quite often enjoy what |
| start to move towards it.) | | | | you eat. The same goes for happiness, why not |
| · You have a dramatic story to tell. This | | | | enjoy whatever you can get now? It beat |
| does two things: it commands attention - and respect | | | | unhappiness. It really doesn't take much enjoyment |
| - and it establishes status and identity. You are a | | | | of the moment to make a dent in profound feelings |
| person who has been through so many awful things. | | | | of unhappiness. |
| People have to acknowledge that. Some will and | | | | · You're able to totally avoid having fun! |
| some will decide they can't hack it after a while, and | | | | · You don't have to be positive, ever. |
| that is another injustice you suffer. | | | | · You don't have to love yourself at all. You |
| · You get to abdicate responsibility. Certainly, | | | | can be at least as hard on yourself as ever he was. |
| you did not cause the toxic relationship in your life. | | | | Victims focus on loss and lack. In most case, they |
| Your abusive partner has his own responsibility for | | | | have been programmed by an abusive partner to |
| that. Nevertheless you did, at some level, attract and | | | | focus on loss and lack. |
| allow it. Every abused woman I have ever worked | | | | What do you lose when you step out of that |
| with had an intuition at the start of the relationship. | | | | mind-set? Absolutely nothing. |
| She sensed she was making a mistake and overrode | | | | How do you get out of it? Understanding about |
| that intuition. Accepting responsibility does not mean | | | | abuse will inform you, but it won't necessarily set you |
| shouldering blame; the two things are quite separate. | | | | free. You get out of it by starting to focus on |
| What we do not own, we cannot change. | | | | yourself in a caring, positive way. |
| Responsibility makes you the creator of your life, | | | | Now, I'm aware that you may well not know how to |
| which means that you can make different choices in | | | | do this for yourself. Why? Because nobody ever |
| the future with different results. Victimhood leaves | | | | taught you. Most people don't know how to teach |
| you stuck. | | | | you. Either they were lucky and were born into a |
| · You get to escape change. Going round | | | | nurturing, supportive family, or they weren't. |
| and round the closed circuit of your story again and | | | | Happily, you can learn to do that for yourself. You |
| again means that you have no energy and no | | | | can start any time you choose. It may take a little |
| opening for change. Because he has told you | | | | while, but it is very doable. It will work. |
| endlessly how much harder life will be without him, | | | | Victimhood has its own small rewards. There are |
| you end up believing that 'different' means 'worse'. | | | | much bigger ones waiting out there for you. You just |
| (Although, when you stop to think about he, he | | | | have to make the decision to step out of that small, |
| wasn't usually either that truthful or accurate in his | | | | claustrophobic circle of misery. |