| Nobody ever walks consciously into an abusive | | | | past (and present) problems, and making allowances, |
| relationship. Rather they 'sign up' for a relationship | | | | and excuses, for behaviours that, she senses, are |
| that, they believe, offers them most of what they | | | | less than ideal. He may look good, and dress well, and |
| want; and they are prepared to compromise on the | | | | there may well be "chemistry". So, his partner |
| things that they sense are not on offer. Or, maybe, | | | | overlooks fundamental differences in their values, and |
| they think that, in time, they will educate - or train - | | | | attitudes regarding relationships. |
| their partner to provide the other things that they | | | | In the second stage of the relationship, Mr Nasty has |
| want as well. | | | | become very much a part of the relationship. He may |
| "Is that such a bad foundation for a relationship?" you | | | | be around rather more of the time than Mr Nice Guy. |
| might ask. "People do that all the time." | | | | By now, this man has largely stopped making the |
| Of course they do. You are absolutely right. Most | | | | effort to please his partner. Why should he? Most of |
| people settle for a partner who falls short of their | | | | the time he can get what he wants from her |
| ideal - or, to put it another way, people accept | | | | through intimidation, anger or punishment Why does |
| someone who does not altogether measure up to | | | | that work? Why doesn't she just walk away - as she |
| their dream. In some cases it works out well, and in | | | | knows that she should? Because she thinks back to |
| the case of abused women it works out very badly | | | | all the "potential" for being a great partner that he |
| indeed. | | | | showed in the early days. She tells herself that, if she |
| What makes for the difference? | | | | tries a little harder and shows him more love and |
| Quite simply, it is the shortcomings that people are | | | | support, sooner or later he is bound to turn back into |
| prepared to accept. Settling for someone whose | | | | Mr Nice Guy. When that happens, she will finally have |
| appearance, dress sense, social status, and education | | | | the relationship she desires. |
| fall short of your aspirations, may well be a perfectly | | | | Besides, by now, she has invested so much of her |
| reasonable thing to do. Settling for someone who has | | | | heart and her identity in him that she can't bear to |
| a string of past relationships that ended badly, a | | | | throw away what they had. |
| strong sense of grievance, is quick to express fury | | | | In the third stage of the relationship, Mr Nice Guy is |
| and contempt - albeit with other people - is akin to | | | | little more than a distant memory; at least where his |
| putting your hand in the fire; and then being terribly | | | | partner is concerned. He may turn on the charm |
| surprised when that hand gets 3rd degree burns. | | | | when he is out in public, he may dust off his "nice" |
| The way a new partner behaves towards you in the | | | | side for the benefit of any other woman in town, |
| early days of a relationship, when he is out to win | | | | but in the privacy of his own home he is cold, |
| your heart, is less indicative of what lies ahead than | | | | unloving, fault-finding, punitive and contemptuous. |
| the way he behaves towards other people. Especially | | | | Of course, his treatment has taken its toll. By this |
| the 'other people' who 'don't matter'; like people in | | | | stage, his partner has been so brainwashed by the |
| service industries. | | | | constant mental and emotional abuse that she has |
| "So, how does this relate to a mentally abusive | | | | lost her confidence, her self-worth, and her sense of |
| relationship?" | | | | her own identity. She is constantly fearful of |
| Having worked with hundreds and hundreds of | | | | provoking another outburst, and she blames herself |
| abused women, I am aware of the gulf between | | | | for everything. Worse still, she has come to treat |
| how they define the early, heady days of their | | | | herself as badly as her partner treats her. She feels |
| relationship and the way things truly were. Women | | | | completely drained, desperate and hopeless. She |
| talk about how wonderful and caring their abusive | | | | simply cannot see a way out. |
| partner was at the start, before he started changing | | | | She cannot see a way out for two very important |
| from Mr Nice Guy into Mr Nasty in front of their very | | | | reasons. First, she doesn't understand what has |
| eyes. | | | | happened to her, and that it is not her fault. Second, |
| There is no doubt that mentally abused women | | | | she doesn't know how to heal and get her life back |
| believe the story that they tell. Equally, there is no | | | | on track. Because she has been so brainwashed, it is |
| doubt that they view the start of their relationship | | | | almost impossible for her to make the journey back |
| through the rose-tinted spectacles of denial. In fact, | | | | to health on happiness without expert help. |
| their partner wooed them fast, swept them off their | | | | Happily, the world is not as she has been conditioned |
| feet, by saying the things that they ached to hear... | | | | to see it. With expert help, she will be able to let go |
| but - and it is a big but - he showed behaviours that | | | | of her abusive relationship and create a meaningful |
| were worrying. | | | | life for herself. |
| There were times when he was inconsiderate, when | | | | A mentally abusive relationship may feel like a living |
| he overreacted to situations and became quite angry | | | | death. Fortunately, there is life after mental emotional |
| or punitive towards them. His behaviour was, to put | | | | abuse. Having survived a mentally abusive relationship, |
| it bluntly, selfish: the relationship was about what he | | | | means that you have the strength to heal, and a |
| wanted, first and foremost. | | | | tremendous capacity, as well as hunger, for the |
| In the first stage of the relationship, the woman's | | | | happiness you desire. |
| mental dialogue is all about making 'it' up to him for his | | | | |