| Though I am not a doctor, my advice comes from a | | | | mine got mad at me for not leaving sooner, they |
| combination of personal experience and therapy | | | | didn't understand why I wouldn't just up and go to a |
| given to me by professionals. Leaving someone | | | | shelter. I had pets (shelters don't accept them) and |
| controlling and/or abusive can be (and usually is) a | | | | refused to leave them with the abuser. I planned it all |
| dangerous situation, so more than anything, my wish | | | | so I'd leave, and not leave anything of mine behind, |
| to you is to call your local domestic violence hotline | | | | especially my pets. Protect your pets by leaving |
| and get help in finding a therapist that can assist you | | | | them with others for safe keeping, if possible. |
| in your quest. It truly helps to have help from these | | | | Abusers will sometimes kill pets, because they know |
| places as they can help you find lodging, clothing, | | | | they are important to the victim. People may be |
| counseling and more, all for the asking. The help I | | | | upset with you for not leaving when they think you |
| recieved from multiple agencies to leave my ex was | | | | "should", but only you know when the time is right. |
| all free. Do not let your fear of these places scare | | | | Sometimes it takes a few dry runs before the actual |
| you. You don't have to stay in a shelter if you don't | | | | time you leave, but when you are truly fed up |
| want to. I didn't. There are alternatives to everything. | | | | enough, you will know when and be done with the |
| It is more scary to continue living with violence, home | | | | person. Remember, the MOST DANGEROUS time in |
| should be a place of refuge, not of fear. Let others | | | | the relationship is when you leave the abuser, this is |
| help you, to get not only guidance but support. | | | | when murders usually happen. They are losing control |
| First of all, I will briefly explain my story. I met a | | | | of you and will react in whatever way they can to |
| charming, well-heeled (or so I thought) businessman | | | | take control. Take this seriously if you're going to |
| on a reputable online dating site. We hit it off, long | | | | leave. Don't let others dictate when you are ready, |
| story short, I moved in with him. As time went on, it | | | | trust your own judgment. |
| became clear to me that he was hiding something. | | | | Abusive people tend to like control, and isolating their |
| And, I caught him in lies about many things, big and | | | | victims. It's subtle sometimes, but in time, the person |
| small. After doing some snooping, it was revealed | | | | being controlled is slowly isolated from friends and |
| that the man had just left another woman after | | | | family. Each case is different. Be aware of this, and |
| trying to drain her of her money. And, he had been | | | | for this reason, it is important to have a confidante |
| married more times than he'd said. His whole story | | | | you can turn to, who will be there for you. It can be |
| was a lie. I felt devastated. The more I tried to talk | | | | a friend, co-worker, or therapist. Just someone to |
| things over with him, the worse our relationship | | | | talk to, to touch bases with, who is trustworthy and |
| became. He became violent, controlling and would | | | | who won't tell the abuser what you are doing. Talking |
| disappear on business trips, coming back with "signs" | | | | to others helps you not to isolate and keep all the |
| of another woman. He began to threaten, and | | | | stress inside. In my case, I used friends in another |
| became phyiscally violent. Without the free cellphone | | | | state, and a therapist from the domestic violence |
| the domestic violence agency gave me, I would've | | | | center. Fight isolation. Give yourself the ability to be |
| been seriously injured or killed. I was in the process | | | | around others, and interact with them. This gives you |
| of leaving him, that is what sparked his violent rage. I | | | | a voice, builds your confidence and lets others know |
| was hurt, stabbed in the hand with a knife, but | | | | if you need help or not. |
| fought him off and locked myself in the bathroom as | | | | When you are ready to leave, enlist the help of |
| I called the police. They arrested him, I had a | | | | human agencies or services if need be to help you |
| restraining order put out on him and finished moving | | | | move. A local church helped me for free with |
| my things the next day. Then, I was gone for good. | | | | lightweight items so I could use my own money to |
| After this situation, I drove to a new city, far away | | | | pay a mover for the heavier items. I moved fast, |
| from where he was, and got a new apartment. It | | | | not knowing how long the authorities would keep my |
| took a few days, so I stayed in a hotel until the right | | | | ex in jail. Call around, find out who is willing to help. |
| place was found. The first place wasn't great, but it | | | | Shop around for good moving rates. One guy tried to |
| was safe, even if I had to sleep on the floor. All my | | | | jack up the price on moving, I told him to get lost. |
| things were in storage in another state. I didn't care, | | | | Don't let moving scammers take advantage of your |
| it felt good to know that I was free of the horrible | | | | situation, by standing firm and not taking any |
| person who tried to control, intimidate and hurt me. | | | | extra-payment-needed garbage from anyone. Don't |
| With me were my two cats, who were traumatized | | | | be shy, this is a good time to build your self-esteem |
| but ok. They adjusted to hotel living and to the new | | | | by standing up for yourself. Don't tell the abuser |
| place faster than I thought they would. In time, I | | | | about any of this. Plan the move when you know |
| found a gorgeous place, brought my furniture down | | | | your partner won't be around for a long period of |
| from the storage place, and bought new furniture. | | | | time, at least a few hours. This is a new life and they |
| Now, I live on a lake, happily free of any pain. | | | | have no part of it, so they need not be a part of it |
| So, what to do first? Start as much in advance of | | | | AT ALL. |
| your move as possible. Quietly, remove things that | | | | Pre-plan how to leave with kids involved, by talking |
| are of value to you. Frequently, abusers will destroy | | | | the situation over with an attorney. If you cannot |
| things of value to their victims, it's part of their | | | | afford one, call around, looking for an attorney who |
| control issues. Pack a suitcase with the basics and | | | | will do "pro-bono" work (free legal advice). They are |
| store that, too. You will need it if leaving in a hurry | | | | out there, and you can find them if you look. Or, go |
| happens. Also, take important papers, photos and | | | | to a Legal Aid society in your area and ask them |
| documents. Put them in a storage unit or apartment | | | | what to do. They are in major cities, and are there |
| that is NOT close to your current residence. That | | | | to help those who cannot afford legal representation. |
| way, when you're gone, you won't need to drive | | | | Move out of the person's life abruptly, and don't look |
| near the abuser's place. Only take things that aren't | | | | back. If you must go to court against a spouse for |
| easily noticed, if confronted, never tell the abuser | | | | any reason, take someone with you or ask the court |
| what you are doing. Your safety depends heavily on | | | | staff to accompany you to your car if you are afraid |
| it. It's about self-preservation, you are an adult and | | | | of the person. Be proactive, defend against being a |
| don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Just calmly | | | | victim. I carried pepper spray in the form of a pen |
| blow off any attempts to figure out what you are | | | | that I bought on an online auction. And had another in |
| doing and be as discreet in removing items as | | | | my home, too. It pays to be as prepared as possible |
| possible. | | | | against attacks. Some people take self-defense |
| Calmly and without anger, co-exist with your partner | | | | courses. Violence can happen in the blink of an eye, |
| while secretly getting help elsewhere. Keep an even | | | | so it pays to be alert if the abuser is threatening. Do |
| temper, so not to add tension to an already tense | | | | not underestimate threats. Many people are killed by |
| relationship. Keeping the peace is needed, as best as | | | | thinking their spouse would never be capable of |
| you can. Read up on the "Cycle of Violence". It | | | | murder. Sometimes, violent threats with weapons go |
| explains the build-up of tension before a fight, the | | | | wrong and accidents happen. Never underestimate |
| fight, then the "honeymoon" period afterwards. It is | | | | threats or aggression. Ever. |
| a handout that every domestic violence agency has | | | | By being alert and pre-planning a new life, you are on |
| and gives out to anyone living with an abusive | | | | your way to a more fulfilling life, if you make it so. It |
| partner. And it is helpful in understanding the | | | | won't feel good in the beginning, but it will get better, |
| dynamics of abusers, and how to respond to them. | | | | believe me. Time is your friend in this. Remember, |
| If you can, go to a support group. This way, you can | | | | you have worth, nobody defines you, you define |
| discuss your weekly goings on with others who are | | | | yourself. In the end, it's about taking care of yourself |
| also going through difficult situations. A good group, in | | | | and removing the victim. Be a victor. It may mean |
| my opinion, is one that listens to stories, but also | | | | sleeping on the floor of an apartment without |
| gives ideas on coping with each situation. Listening to | | | | furniture for awhile, or on a friend's couch, but that is |
| others' stories helped me gain the strength to leave. | | | | OK. Do whatever is best for you in the situation. |
| Living with someone abusive can drain you of all | | | | Don't look back, and have NO contact with the |
| energy, consume your mind with hopes of a better | | | | abuser. If you do, the person will try and make |
| life later (no, you can't fix the person, trust me) , and | | | | amends, to try and win you back, most likely. Believe |
| make you feel absolutely worthless. Remember, it's | | | | none of it. Staying means an increase of aggression. |
| the situation you are in, and not a definition of who | | | | That is part of the Cycle of Violence. You can do |
| you really are. You are a good person, in a bad | | | | much better. One day at a time. |
| relationship. Don't beat yourself up about it. Friends of | | | | |