| "Here's your monthly allowance, dear. It's yours to | | | | blowup. How ridiculous of me. It wasn't really easing |
| spend as you wish."... "By the way, please write a | | | | my emotional pain; it was grabbing back some |
| check to cover..." "And while you're at it, I'd like to | | | | control. |
| review your checkbook to see how you are | | | | Your use of this money sometimes looks like your |
| spending the rest." Sound familiar? | | | | freedom and other times feels like your entrapment. |
| "Financial abuse" is the customary name for this form | | | | It is both exhilarating and frustrating, depending on |
| of spousal emotional abuse. It's one of the popular | | | | where you are in the cycle of financial abuse. |
| power and control tactics used to foster dependency | | | | Breaking the Cycle of Financial Control |
| and dominance in intimate relationships. Essentially, it | | | | Can intimate relationships characterized by financial |
| violates one's personal autonomy and emotional | | | | abuse become relationships of mutual honoring and |
| integrity. | | | | respect when it comes to money? ANSWER: Yes, |
| Controlling Men and Money | | | | with the right treatment intervention. |
| Why do controlling men use money to control their | | | | Counseling that addresses the "control" issue is the |
| financially un-empowered female partners? ANSWER: | | | | only intervention that can shift this dynamic. Now you |
| Because they can. No, seriously, they think they need | | | | know abuse is about control, but your partner insists |
| their spouse's financial dependence upon them. It | | | | that he is not abusive to you. In fact, he is insulted |
| adds to their sense of relationship security. | | | | that you would even look to domestic abuse |
| From their perspective, it's their money anyway. And | | | | counseling to deal with your relationship problems. |
| they know you need some, want some and have no | | | | This is not a deal-breaker. Trust that your partner |
| other means to attract any. So they enjoy the | | | | can see the relevance of a domestic abuse |
| privilege of holding this green carrot in front of you in | | | | intervention as a result of the treatment. That is, in |
| order to keep you in line. | | | | the course of the intervention, the abuse/control |
| You, on the other hand, enjoy "your" privilege of | | | | dynamics you are dealing with can become crystal |
| having his/our money to spend, as you need it. And | | | | clear to both of you. (Even better...the door will open |
| you love that there is always enough, or so it seems. | | | | to see and remedy the multitude of other power and |
| That is, there are sufficient funds available to cover | | | | control strategies used in your relationship.) Leave |
| your interests and desires...unless you have one that | | | | that part up to the intervention itself and instead |
| he objects to. | | | | focus on how you can help your partner to see your |
| Money and Freedom in Controlling Relationships | | | | need for personal counseling. |
| Is your access to money controlled by another | | | | Whether you tell him or not, is not as important as |
| person your freedom or your entrapment? I know if | | | | the fact that you take the step toward breaking the |
| you are in this situation that you have asked yourself | | | | cycle of control by reaching out yourself. He can |
| this question thousands of times. | | | | believe you are reaching out to help yourself with |
| And chances are you have used this "family" money | | | | your own pain. And the therapist can help you |
| to retaliate in the relationship, as well. I was there, | | | | engage him in the domestic abuse intervention, as it's |
| too, nearly two decades ago. I can remember the | | | | appropriate. |
| $350 shoes purchased to ease the blow of his last | | | | |