Relationship Science

Relationship science is exciting stuff. I am verybrokered by parents or professional matchmakers,
intrigued to discover this work, from Robert Epstein,whose main concerns are long-term suitability and
Ph.D and juxtapose it with the work that Helenfamily harmony.
Fisher, Ph.D. has done with the science of romanticThis process sure works in India where 95% of
love, and to teach both to my domestic violencemarriages are arranged and the divorce rate is one
counseling clients.of the lowest in the world, even though divorce is an
The science of romantic love and the science ofoption.
relationship.So the science of relationship seeks to extract a
Both Professors have looked at the research andpractical technology from the research and teach
offered us some real life tools that very well couldpeople how to use it.
impact our love life in a very real way, from theEpstein reports that there are at least 80 scientific
beginning to the end.studies that discuss how people learn to love one
Professor Fisher's work is a significant part of theanother, and he goes on to discuss the impact of
process. She has taken her work with functionalone of the exercises which are used to increase
magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI)ofvulnerability between folks, called the soul gazing
newly-in-love-brains and created a questionaire whichexercise.
will hopefully connect us with someone that theIt turns out when mutual eye gazing happens, there
relationship chemistry will happen with, which meansare rapid increases of the feelings of liking and loving
that some reward systems deep in the brain willeven between strangers.
activate.Remember, mutual gazing is different than staring,
Dr. Epstein is studying couples who have passedwhich produces a different mammalian response, one
beyond those intense early stages of relationship orof threat.
are in an arranged marriage and, and want to developMutual gazing is about giving permission. and being
something deeper and richer.vulnerable. That is probably what makes it work in
Another expert who can add illumination to therelationship science.
science of relationship is Dr. John Gottman.I am reminded here of John Gottman's exercise in his
Dr. Gottman has studied the behaviors of couples hethe Art and Science of Relationship workshop called
calls the Masters of Marriage for 30 years, and hasFinding Your Partners Love Map.
teased out what behaviors those couples doAccording to Epstein, a careful look at arranged
naturally, so the rest of us can engage in themmarriage, combined with the knowledge accumulating
consciously.in relationship science, has the potential to give us
Robert Epstein says that we can take control overreal control over our love lives, without practicing
our love lives, that there are exercises that couplesarranged marriage.
can enter into regularly which enhance theirWe can learn to have that deep, lasting love that we
connection.see in fantasies and fairy tales by practicing
He says that we can learn a great deal about how totechniques that build love over time.
accomplish that richer, deeper connection by studyingAnd if our love is fading, we can use those
arranged marriages in other cultures.techniques to rebuild that love.
Not sure about you, but when I think of arrangedSo there you have it, the science of romantic love,
marriages, I feel a lot of fear. Apparently couples andand how to get it started with Helen Fisher, Ph.D., the
families in other cultures do not have that fear, norscience of relationship and how to build it with Robert
do those folks see arranged marriage as abridgingEpstein,Ph.D., and the Masters of Marriage, by John
freedom of choice for the couple involved.Gottman, Ph.D.
More than half of marriages on our planet areRead them all for Valentine's Day.