| Have you ever suffered from 'Kick The Cat | | | | You get the picture? |
| Syndrome'? | | | | Actually, their behaviour has been sanctioned, |
| I'd love to say that I never have but, of course, I | | | | repeatedly, by you, because in the end when that |
| have: "I am only human" after all. That's one of the | | | | kind of emotional hurricane occurs, you try to batten |
| key refrains of "Kick The Cat Syndrome". I'm sad to | | | | down the hatches and wait for it to pass. It has also |
| say that at one stage in my life both the refrain and | | | | been sanctioned by a lot of other people, less central |
| the syndrome felt quite familiar. | | | | to the abuser's life, who for one reason or another, |
| Someone I know describes this syndrome more | | | | either sidestep or overlook it. So you sanction this |
| tellingly than I could. Like many of us, after an | | | | behaviour and also acknowledge its power. |
| abusive childhood she fell into other abusive | | | | When we fall into 'Kick The Cat Syndrome' it is |
| relationships. She writes: "I've had so much anger | | | | fuelled by the belief that such behaviour is somehow |
| bottled up in me, and recently it was me who lashed | | | | vindicated by past hurt. It may also feel preferable to |
| out in anger at someone else .. mostly because he | | | | the sense of powerlessness that you feel as a victim. |
| wasn't being honest with me .. but even so, I don't | | | | Further there is a kind of logic to it: he kicked me, so |
| want to end up being an 'abuser' !" | | | | I have a right to kick the next person. It is all too |
| There are, of course, different ways of lashing out | | | | easy to become one in a never ending chain of Cat |
| at 'The Cat'. You can do it both verbally and | | | | Kickers. |
| physically. Neither one is particularly desirable - | | | | So how do you kick the syndrome? |
| although a physical expression of rage appears less | | | | First, you start to break free of the abuser's pattern |
| justifiable. | | | | in your own head. You identify the behaviour when |
| 'The Cat' may be either the abusive partner or | | | | the abuser perpetrates it and you remind yourself |
| someone else who just happens to cross your path | | | | that it is infantile, unacceptable, damaging - and you |
| when you are already primed and ready to blow. (For | | | | have a choice. You don't have to behave that way. |
| cat lovers let me apologise and specify that we are | | | | Second, you start to honor your own sense of hurt. |
| absolutely not talking about a real cat.) | | | | Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship has |
| What it is about, as my reader rightly observed, is | | | | been sorely deprived of the love, respect and |
| already having had a bellyful of ill treatment (and I | | | | consideration they need and deserve. That deserves |
| use the term bellyful advisedly, it's no surprise that | | | | to be acknowledged. |
| abused women are often Irritable Bowel Syndrome | | | | Conventional wisdom focuses on that loss: reminds us |
| sufferers) and then the abuser adds another outrage | | | | that what we wanted was not to be had in that |
| on top of it. | | | | relationship and those months or years. |
| That most recent outrage lights what we in the UK | | | | Conventional wisdom doesn't tell us - because it |
| used to call 'the blue touch paper' and we blow. | | | | doesn't know - that our subconscious mind and our |
| Sometimes it feels safer to explode at someone | | | | feelings live in the now, the moment. (Although, |
| who did not cause the mountain of hurt in the first | | | | consciously too many of us spend way too long |
| place, because they are less likely to respond in a | | | | focused on the past or the future.) |
| way that will be dangerous to you. | | | | So here's the thing: you can start to heal old hurts in |
| You've reached the stage where one way or | | | | the present by deliberately parenting that hurt self in |
| another you were bound to explode or implode: | | | | a loving way. There is the hurt, damaged, needy you, |
| either you vent your feelings on another person or it | | | | but there is also the caring, loving, resourceful, |
| feels like you will be shattered into a million tiny | | | | supportive you that you share with friends, children |
| pieces by your own unspoken pain and fury. | | | | and other loved ones. |
| Does it do any good? No. It may just make you feel | | | | You can start to allow that mature, loving resourceful |
| better for a very short while. Like comfort eating, | | | | you to - metaphorically - put a comforting arm |
| the sense of satisfaction ends with the action itself. | | | | around the shoulders of the needy you. You can |
| An isolating sense of shame follows quickly in its | | | | start to offer that needy you words of comfort that |
| wake. | | | | will percolate through to the hurt and help to heal |
| The truth is it's not a nice thing to do and it doesn't | | | | from it. |
| fit with your picture - and more to the point your | | | | This is work that I do a lot with abused women |
| deep-rooted and accurate beliefs - about yourself. It | | | | which is very powerful. In the absence of having |
| happens because it is a pattern you have learned | | | | someone work through it with you, you can take the |
| from the abusers in your life, just as I learned it from | | | | time out - maybe only 15 minutes at a time - to do it |
| the abusers in mine. | | | | for yourself. |
| What you see - or, more correctly, interpret - from | | | | Third, you can work with someone who can |
| their behaviour is that this kind of behaviour is | | | | understand and help you work respectfully through |
| sanctioned. It must be, mustn't it, or they wouldn't | | | | the hurt. Just talking it through with someone who |
| do it? And don't they always justify it somehow or | | | | will support you and will not judge can divest these |
| other? Some of the trusty old favourites include: | | | | old patterns of much of their explosive charge. |
| · I've had a hard day | | | | Cats - and dogs - that have been ill treated by their |
| · You drive me to it | | | | owners, can heal from the trauma, given love and |
| · If you hadn't done X, Y or Z... | | | | time. So too can you. What's more you can use the |
| · How do you expect me to....? | | | | miracle of language and your own enduring resources |
| · You don't know what I have to put up | | | | to heal faster and more completely than they can. |
| with | | | | |