| In the beginning of a relationship, and before children | | | | dual agenda of expressing yourself and understanding |
| are born, it's fairly easy to accommodate to one | | | | each other (instead of proving that you're right and |
| another and feel good about doing so. People can | | | | they're wrong). |
| cover up their real feelings for quite some time. | | | | A strong base of respect is also essential; otherwise, |
| Initially, giving in to sidestep an argument doesn't feel | | | | you might say something you'll be sorry for later. |
| like too much to ask of yourself. | | | | Trust and respect provide a baseline that keep you |
| As time passes, and life gets more complicated, | | | | grounded when things get crazy. Once that line is |
| silently avoiding disagreements is a distant memory. | | | | crossed, there's a greater chance that it will be |
| Pretending to be interested or ignoring annoying | | | | crossed again, leading to serious family problems. So |
| habits becomes more difficult. How was I ever able | | | | protect your relationship, and each other, even when |
| to let that go, you ask yourself. Barely able to | | | | you're both furious. |
| contain your frustration you explode, "Stop doing | | | | Basically, protecting the relationship means no |
| that, it's driving me crazy!" To which your beloved | | | | name-calling, no swearing, no belittling, no insulting, |
| replies, "I've always done that. It didn't bother you | | | | and no scaring each other. There should be no |
| when we were dating!" | | | | throwing and no breaking things. It also means not |
| Good times, love, and appreciation hold a relationship | | | | tossing back into your loved one's face anything |
| together. But the bad times also define it. Over the | | | | you've been told in confidence. Yelling is kept to a |
| course of a committed relationship harsh words will | | | | minimum. Screaming, sniping, or threatening to leave |
| inevitably be spoken. Exactly what you say and how | | | | or divorce, just to get a rise out of your partner is |
| you say it make a difference, though. Hurtful words | | | | also off limits. |
| have long echoes. Plus, the quality of the parental | | | | Family life presumes a mixed bag of feelings. There |
| relationship shapes your children's expectations of | | | | will be times when you want to be close and other |
| how men and women treat one another. | | | | times when you don't want anyone near you. One |
| Beginning arguments with "you" is probably the most | | | | day you're completely in love with your partner, and |
| automatic way they get started. We all begin from | | | | then there are times you can't stand him or her. You |
| that point. "Look what you did to me." As bickering | | | | love your kids and then something happens and you |
| progresses, listening isn't your highest priority. You | | | | wish they would grow up and move out. |
| want your partner to see your side and neither of | | | | Managing these complexities together is a deeply |
| you are working especially hard at understanding the | | | | rewarding experience. But there isn't anything simple |
| other's point of view. | | | | about it. Use your disagreements as meaningful |
| Find a New Perspective | | | | opportunities to better understand one another. |
| Listen to your partner. | | | | Ultimately, calmer nerves and a quieter mind come |
| Care about what your partner is telling you. | | | | from a combination of respectfully expressing |
| Think about how you might also contribute to | | | | yourself and listening carefully to what your partner is |
| the problem at hand. | | | | trying to say. |
| Quarrels will be more productive if you both have the | | | | |