| We all need connection. Interdependence, mutual | | | | state of helplessness, in which all verbal |
| relationships are crucial for our well being. However, | | | | communication seems futile. A return to earlier coping |
| for those who have experienced severe childhood | | | | mechanisms, such as self-blame, numbing (by means |
| trauma, relationships were also the source of | | | | of emotional withdrawal or drugs or alcohol), and |
| betrayal, wounding and abuse. What does this mean | | | | physical violence sets the stage for a repetition of |
| then for those who have been severely abused by | | | | the childhood trauma and "return of the repressed." [I |
| parents or caretakers as children? Or those who | | | | would add to this another form of "numbing": |
| have dissociated, losing awareness of some aspects | | | | dissociation!] |
| of early relationships? For example, those with | | | | What does this mean? Too often survivors hear this |
| dissociative identity disorder (DID) may have some | | | | as more condemnation of themselves, as proof |
| parts of their system who only know about the | | | | somehow that there is something innately "bad" |
| "good mother" while others hold the memories of | | | | about them causing others to behave abusively. I |
| abuse and/or neglect. In this way, dissociation can | | | | want to emphasize strongly that this is not my |
| make evaluating who is healthy or safe and who is | | | | experience or how I understand this information. |
| not more difficult. This results in obvious and multiple | | | | I see the "repetition compulsion" as an unconscious |
| complications in forming and maintaining later | | | | attempt to master that which went so awry, early |
| relationships. | | | | abusive relationships. Like imago relationship theory |
| Some types of relationship difficulties clients of mine | | | | suggests, we all function this way. We all seek to |
| describe fairly often include: | | | | rework the ways we were wounded. The problem |
| - Feeling so wounded and mistrustful of people in | | | | arises when those early experiences were severely |
| general it doesn't feel worth the risk to attempt | | | | abusive, leading us to pick another abuser. |
| connections. This results in extreme isolation and | | | | Another piece of this puzzle involves understanding |
| loneliness. | | | | the dynamics of abusers. Many abusers are good at |
| - The belief or fear that there is something so "bad" | | | | selecting "victims". By that I mean that they can |
| about oneself that it will harm/destroy anyone you | | | | sense who is vulnerable. I believe many abusers test |
| get close to. | | | | and see how far they can push boundaries and pick |
| - Premature attaching to others, disclosing sensitive/a | | | | partners who will not notice early boundary violations |
| great deal of information about oneself before | | | | or control tactics. Dissociation, the very thing that is |
| assessing how safe a choice the other is. | | | | life saving in childhood, can make you more vulnerable |
| - Inability to fully assess potential friends and | | | | as an adult. How do you make good relationship |
| romantic partners due to dissociation. Missing "red | | | | choices if you do not have access to all the |
| flags" due to dissociation, different parts holding | | | | information about people in your life? Many clients |
| information. | | | | with DID have described to me having no awareness |
| - Experiencing kind, safe, gentle people/relationships | | | | of the abusive behavior of current people in their life. |
| as boring, undesirable or frightening. | | | | Only later would we unravel that they were switching |
| - Sabotaging relationships (for example picking a fight) | | | | to different parts (those used to handling such |
| when things are going smoothly or feeling "too" close. | | | | things) prior to a friend or partner starting to behave |
| This may be a way to get distance, push away or | | | | in a way that was borderline abusive. If this |
| about seeing what happens. For example, if a friend | | | | information is split off it can impact your decision |
| or partner (or therapist) gets angry at you, will they | | | | making and safety. |
| become violent or abusive like childhood figures did? | | | | So what can you do? The answer really isn't to avoid |
| - Extreme care taking or people pleasing. Do you feel | | | | people altogether. Learning that not all relationships |
| like you must suppress your needs/feelings in the | | | | are like your early abusive ones is an important part |
| service of taking care of others? Do you feel like | | | | of the healing process. How can you work on making |
| you must shift who you are in order to be loved | | | | informed relationship choices? |
| approved of by others around you? | | | | |
| - Additional adult abusive relationships. You may find | | | | 1. Avoid going to extremes. Neither isolation or |
| yourself in other abusive relationships: with friends, | | | | premature, instant attachment are healthy for you. |
| romantic partners or even helping professionals. | | | | Learn to share of yourself with people in your life |
| How does this happen? How do survivors wind up in | | | | gradually, over time. |
| unhealthy relationships and what can be done about | | | | 2. Learn to hear and pay attention to your "inner |
| it? | | | | voice". This could be your intuition, your gut sense of |
| Imago relationship theory suggests that we wind up | | | | something feeling not quite right with another person. |
| repeating early relationship dynamics because we are | | | | This could also be the voices of other parts of you. |
| drawn to potential partners who are an amalgam of | | | | Do not discount what they have to say without |
| the significant characteristics (positive and negative) | | | | exploring it. Yes, some parts may have the job of |
| of our early caretakers. This explains why children of | | | | warning you away from anyone, but there may be |
| alcoholics so often wind up partnering with alcoholics | | | | valid reason for concerns about an individual in your |
| themselves as adults, for example. This is not | | | | life. |
| completely bad news: the theory also holds that | | | | 3. Get to know yourselves. Develop relationships with |
| picking someone who fits this "imago" gives us the | | | | other parts of yourself. Learn to communicate with |
| unique opportunity to work through our wounding | | | | each other. Share information about people you are |
| and achieve a different outcome. However, this | | | | meeting, developing friendships or intimate |
| requires that we are aware enough of our own | | | | relationships with. |
| issues, ready and able to work on them and that our | | | | 4. Do you already have someone in your life you |
| imago choice is not also abusive. Instead of healing | | | | trust? A friend? A therapist? Use them as a sounding |
| this could lead to re-enacting the abuse experiences | | | | board or reality check. Share what concerns you. |
| with resulting additional traumatization. | | | | Listen to feedback, especially if you tend to "forget" |
| Attachment theory addresses the vulnerabilities | | | | things that concerned you regarding the new |
| abuse survivors face when attempting to form later | | | | person's behavior. |
| relationships. Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD describes a | | | | 5. Remember that trust is something that is earned. |
| "vulnerability to traumatic bonding" for those severely | | | | Trust is built in relationships by experiencing each |
| abused in childhood: | | | | other over time. Pay attention to whether what |
| "People who are exposed early to violence or neglect | | | | others say and do matches up (or does not), look |
| come to expect it as a way of life. They see the | | | | for consistency over time. Let yourself evaluate |
| chronic helplessness of their mothers and fathers' | | | | whether the relationship is mutual or one sided: do |
| alternating outbursts of affection and violence; they | | | | you each get a chance to talk, receive support and |
| learn that they themselves have no control. As adults | | | | attention 0or does it seem to flow in one direction |
| they hope to undo the past by love, competency, | | | | mostly? |
| and exemplary behavior. When they fail they are | | | | 6. Learn how to sort out whether your reactions are |
| likely to make sense out of this situation by blaming | | | | present- or past-based. Are you angry because |
| themselves. When they have little experience with | | | | someone has violated your boundaries now or are |
| nonviolent resolution of differences, partners in | | | | you reminded of past experiences? Sometimes it is |
| relationships alternate between an expectation of | | | | both! |
| perfect behavior leading to perfect harmony and a | | | | |