| I was having a conversation with an old friend. The | | | | not looking for any response other than acceptance. |
| conversation was lackluster and so were we. For | | | | Another person's acceptance may well help you |
| different reasons both of us were struggling with a | | | | reach your own. |
| profound sense of loss. | | | | If necessary, you can start this work on your own |
| Any sense of loss, as we all know, feeds into every | | | | either speaking those feelings out loud or, better, |
| sense of loss we have ever known. | | | | writing them down. |
| My friend, who is more of a True Brit Stiff-Upper-Lip | | | | What has happened to you is what it is. There may |
| person than I am, said: "Well, you just have to get | | | | be huge sadness attached. You can call it tragic if |
| on with it, don't you?" | | | | you will, but doing so will increase its hold on you, |
| My answer to my friend was that 'getting on with it' | | | | when what you want is to loosen its hold. |
| stinks. It's what we've all been taught to do. Yet we | | | | It happened, that is the fact. To some degree it |
| know it doesn't work particularly well. You know, I | | | | hones you. But never forget that you still own the |
| know, pretty well everyone who isn't eyeball deep in | | | | tools to sculpt yourself into the shape you desire. |
| denial knows, that it doesn't work. It doesn't work | | | | Only own your feelings. |
| because what you resist, persists. | | | | Yes, you feel that way. Yes, it takes courage to |
| 'Getting on with it' means tiptoeing around the | | | | own those feelings. |
| elephant in the middle of your living room. The | | | | Actually, it takes enormous courage to be you. You |
| elephant doesn't go away, your living space does. | | | | do it with as much grace and dignity as you possibly |
| How long have you co-existed with the elephant of | | | | can. (And sometimes that may not look too much |
| abused feelings crowding out the space at the center | | | | like grace or dignity. Well, that's just you being |
| of your life? | | | | human.) |
| How possible is it to expect to spend the rest of | | | | There is a saying that I love. "We are not human |
| your life breathing in to squeeze round the ever | | | | beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual |
| growing elephant in your living-room? | | | | beings having a human experience." |
| Rules For Disposing Of Metaphorical Elephants | | | | Suppose we were here to own and honour our very |
| The rules for disposing of a metaphorical elephant are | | | | human experiences and feelings? I certainly believe |
| quite unlike those regarding real elephants. First of, | | | | we are. It matters not to me whether I am right or |
| there is no preservation order on metaphorical | | | | wrong. That belief adds value and meaning to my life. |
| elephants. Nor should there be. You can't shoot them, | | | | So how did my lackluster evening end? It ended |
| or poison them (in point of fact, they poison you). | | | | remarkably well, with a lot of warmth, connection |
| But you can dispose of them with kindness - | | | | and shift. It ended with the two of us shifting our |
| kindness to yourself. | | | | focus from things inexorably gone to present joys. |
| Now you and I know that that is the hardest thing. | | | | Those present joys completely displaced the |
| You don't have to be a caregiver to be an abused | | | | elephants (we started with two) in our shared living |
| woman (nor are all caregivers abused) but it certainly | | | | space. In fact, it happened so fast that we didn't |
| helps. It goes with the territory. Most of us would be | | | | notice. At the sound of our genuine, spontaneous |
| quicker to lavish care on a stranger's pet rat than we | | | | laughter those elephants vanished. |
| would on ourselves. That's possibly a slight | | | | Will they come back? Quite possibly. They may well |
| exaggeration but I trust you get my drift. | | | | squeeze their huge, grey bulk back into the living |
| So how do you dispose of the elephant of sad, hurt | | | | room. And the same system for 'disappearing' them |
| and angry feelings? | | | | will work just as well next time, and the time after |
| You, we, have to find a way to own and honour | | | | that, and the time after that... |
| those feelings. That is the cleanest and most elegant | | | | An abusive relationship leaves you feeling utterly |
| way of emptying out your living room. | | | | powerless. (It's funny, isn't it how an abusive partner |
| Why do you need to empty out your living room? | | | | does his level best to exclude all laughter from your |
| Because you cannot hope to fill it with the feelings - | | | | life?) |
| and the reality - you desire and deserve if it is | | | | The tools for starting to reclaim your power are so |
| already crowded out with old clutter. | | | | small, so seemingly insignificant that you may have |
| So, is there any magic trick to owning those feelings? | | | | overlooked them for years. But they still work. |
| I think not. Yes, it helps if you can share them with | | | | When will you start to use them so you can create |
| another person, but only if you can share them with | | | | the beautiful, serene, spacious living room you want |
| another person who will listen respectfully. You are | | | | for yourself? |