| I frequently hear people ask, how do you get | | | | Think of your own relationship with your significant |
| someone in an abusive relationship to recognize the | | | | other. Do you experience ease, flexibility, permission |
| fact that they are embroiled in one? Most people | | | | and safety? Or, is your experience that of |
| know that the hardest part in helping the abused is | | | | oppression, guardedness, awkwardness and fear? |
| facilitating their awakening to the danger and | | | | 2) Bring into focus their behavior and their partner's |
| destruction that they live. | | | | behavior. The terms we use to define a syndrome |
| How well I know. I can recall my own blindness in my | | | | often overlook the symptoms and characteristics of |
| personal ordeal with family violence and legal | | | | it. Just as the word "flu" doesn't say the multiple |
| domestic abuse. After five painful years into my | | | | symptoms that define it. |
| efforts to end an abusive relationship, legal counsel | | | | Direct their attention to the subtle symptoms that |
| said, "You are a battered woman, you know?" | | | | you notice. For example, if you observe the abused |
| Funny thing is...I didn't. Yet, we were surrounded by | | | | cooperating in walling you out of her/his life, begin |
| the common and customary court documentation of | | | | your discussion here. It's concrete, specific and has |
| domestic abuse along with what appeared at the | | | | significant meaning with respect to partner abuse. |
| time to be extraordinary judicial remedies. | | | | 3) Reflect on relationship aspirations, expectations |
| It was the term "battered woman" that I simply | | | | and ultimate goals. When we can see what we have, |
| could not relate to as me. I suspect the same is true | | | | relative to what we long to embrace, we more |
| for those blindly abused with the words "domestic | | | | readily admit its shortcomings. |
| violence," "domestic abuse" and "abusive relationship." | | | | Is the relationship climate one that nourishes and |
| Here are some ways to help people awaken to the | | | | sustains it and the people involved? Or, does it cause |
| reality and signs of domestic abuse without either of | | | | one person to be less than who and what they are |
| you stumbling over the terms. | | | | in order to thrive? |
| 1) Focus on their personal experience. Relationship | | | | When you bring the attention to the reality as one |
| conflict is as much an inner phenomena as it is an | | | | lives it, you increase the likelihood of identification, |
| external event. The way you experience yourself | | | | recognition and ownership. In doing this, you inspire |
| relative to another person says so much about the | | | | healthy change. |
| nature and dynamics of your relationship. | | | | |