| Have you ever said those words to a partner or to | | | | people who believe their best hope of attaining |
| yourself? It's an important statement to make | | | | comfort is to cut off your source of supply and drain |
| because it's often the first step towards truly | | | | whatever resources you have. |
| realising that ill treatment you have experienced is | | | | Hence the question arises: Better than what? Better |
| not a reflection of your value. | | | | than the worst relationship you've had? Better than |
| But that is all it is: a first step. | | | | nothing? Better than the proverbial 'burnt stick in the |
| This week a woman spoke up in one of my | | | | eye'? |
| domestic violence recovery workshops and said she | | | | How much better is better? How much better do |
| was coming to terms with the break-up of her latest | | | | you deserve things to be? 10%? 20%? 50%? And |
| relationship. It hadn't been as bad as previous | | | | how soon can you claim the better life that you |
| relationships, she said. There had been no physical | | | | deserve? Now? Or does it have to be a long, slow, |
| violence. But she had found herself emotionally | | | | wearisome process? Is it yours for life, or can it be |
| 'carrying' this man. Over time the burden had become | | | | taken away from you again? |
| heavier and heavier. | | | | Liz sat blinking like an owl in strong light as she |
| And then, her face contorting with the difficulty of | | | | processed these ideas. What clinched it for her was |
| actually speaking the words, she added tremulously: | | | | realising that her deserving the best deprived nobody. |
| "It sounds awful to say it, I know, but I deserve | | | | Rather, since it meant that she would no longer be |
| better." Then she stopped expectantly, almost as if | | | | running on empty, she could share the generosity of |
| she was waiting for the sky to fall down on her, or | | | | her spirit even more constructively than she had in |
| the other women to hiss or throw their paper coffee | | | | the past. (Not least because, from now on, she will |
| cups at her. | | | | steer clear of those people who would rather drain |
| Needless to say, it didn't happen. They were probably | | | | her resources than uncover the wellspring of their |
| thinking about how she had had to screw up her | | | | own.) |
| courage to speak those words. | | | | When Liz said: "I deserve the best", she made no |
| At that point a connection that has been a long time | | | | apologies for the statement she made. It sat well |
| coming clicked into place in my brain and I asked her | | | | with her. |
| if she would allow me to challenge her on that | | | | Because there is something far more compelling |
| statement. She nodded bravely, but apprehensively. | | | | about speaking words out loud than just thinking |
| Had she been staking too high a claim to life's riches? | | | | them, I asked the other women to join in also. A |
| I said: "I dispute the fact that you deserve better, | | | | chorus of "I deserve the best" filled the room. |
| Liz. You deserve the best." The atmosphere in the | | | | That group of women who generally apologise for |
| room became electric. | | | | their existence had no problem declaring that they |
| Nobody deserves better. As unique, precious human | | | | deserve the best. |
| beings who have made do with crumbs, while | | | | Focusing on a modest improvement in their |
| generously nurturing the other people in their life - | | | | circumstances kept these women thinking small. It |
| every abused woman deserves the best. | | | | kept them focusing on doing just a little bit better |
| Actually, I believe that every human being is | | | | than what they were used to doing. |
| deserving of the best that life has to offer; love, | | | | Raising the bar unconditionally transported them into |
| care, respect, consideration, far more than material | | | | a different place; the place where their dreams, |
| goods. The key is to understand that this abundance | | | | beliefs and values still grow. In that place they knew |
| can be freely available to all. Owning your own share | | | | and felt that they deserve the best. |
| does not reduce the amount that is available to all. It | | | | What about you? You deserve the best, don't you? |
| doesn't mean depriving other people. Your abundance | | | | So why not just say it out loud to yourself a few |
| only increases the available store. | | | | times a day? It makes a great mantra. And you'll |
| Deprivation occurs when you encounter those people | | | | never know how much more at peace with yourself |
| who have, or believe they have, nothing to give; | | | | you'll feel until you give it a try. |