| This is a question that comes up a lot. It's hugely | | | | something important we can do for them. This simply |
| frustrating, as well as difficult and painful to watch | | | | means believing and trusting that they will come out |
| someone you care about struggle in the quicksand of | | | | the other side of this. Even if neither of you can |
| an abusive relationship. | | | | predict the timescale. |
| It's frustrating because we can see all the things that | | | | Third, we can hold onto the knowledge of who they |
| they can't. We'd love to help them - which probably | | | | truly are. Over time, living with a self-appointed King |
| means getting them to adopt the solution that we | | | | of the Jungle reduces them to feeling little better |
| know is right. But they don't see it, and they're not | | | | than a cockroach. We can hold - and remind them of- |
| going to do it. | | | | their gifts, their qualities, their uniqueness, their |
| It's difficult because you start to feel like you're | | | | lovableness, until they are able to do it for |
| caught up in Groundhog Day. They reach the point of | | | | themselves. Our vision may be the resource that |
| leaving, they may well even leave... and then the | | | | starts them on their journey to recovery. |
| whole thing goes around again, and again. Maybe the | | | | It doesn't even have to be a major holding operation |
| same partner, maybe a different one. But you hear | | | | on our part. Remember, abuse leaves its victims |
| the same story again and again. | | | | starving because it systematically closes down any |
| In the end your emotional investment wears you out. | | | | channel of nourishment. Often, by opening up a |
| You end up feeling resentful towards them for what | | | | channel we offer them more sustenance than we |
| they're putting you through. | | | | could possibly imagine. |
| It's painful because watching someone turn into a | | | | To a friend of mine who has suffered hugely at the |
| shadow of their former self is tragic. All the more so | | | | hands of a homicidally brutal partner and lost sight of |
| when there are children who are also suffering. | | | | herself, I sent a list of the blessings that she did not |
| Witnessing the pain of someone you care about and | | | | see. The list is incredibly empowering for her and she |
| not being able to make it go away, really taxes us. | | | | treasures it. It reads like this: |
| So how do we support them? | | | | 1) You are blessed with good and loving friends. |
| First we need to be clear about the distinction | | | | 2) You inspire great love in those around you. |
| between helping and supporting them. We cannot | | | | 3) You have two wonderful children - maybe not |
| help them, i.e. move them on even so much as a | | | | easy, but definitely wonderful. |
| millimetre. What we can do is be there for them. | | | | 4) You have enormous strength. |
| That doesn't mean making ourselves available to | | | | 5) You have a vast reservoir of talents. |
| listen 100% of the time. | | | | 6) You are an extraordinarily loving and supportive |
| What it does mean is simply acknowledging and | | | | person. |
| respecting their right to make choices, or else stick | | | | 7) You have a talent for creating beauty. |
| with the situation. However disastrous it may appear | | | | 8) You have an extraordinarily attractive personality |
| from the outside, they are making the best choices | | | | 9) You have formidable energy |
| they can at the time. They already feel pretty bad | | | | 10) All this and there is still, I'd guess, about another |
| about themselves; your continued respect may make | | | | 85% of capacity that you are currently not able to |
| more of a difference than you could imagine. | | | | access efficiently. |
| Second, we mustn't give up on them. There is a very | | | | My friend is unique and gifted. So are all our friends |
| human temptation, at some point, to say | | | | and loved ones. Another person's list may be |
| "Whatever", and walk away. Abusers create a void | | | | different, but it will be no less extraordinary. We are |
| around their victim that leaves the victim even more | | | | all uniquely gifted and wonderful. Yet we may need |
| dependent. It's very easy to end up becoming | | | | to have our eyes opened to this fact. Repeatedly. |
| irritated with the victim. When you do, you're actually | | | | We support others best when we offer them a |
| colluding with the abuser. | | | | valid, empowering vision of themselves. We support |
| If an abused loved one can't hold on to the thought | | | | ourselves when we do the self-same thing for |
| of life beyond their relationship, then that is | | | | ourselves. |