| There is a common misconception that in order to | | | | do for a friend who was visiting) and you'll notice the |
| improve your marriage, you must sit down with your | | | | difference. Chances are the niceties will come back to |
| spouse in front of a marriage therapist, hash out all | | | | you, as well. |
| the details, and rebuild your marriage from the | | | | Don't... |
| bottom up. This is not the case. Many marriages | | | | Have a sense of entitlement. Sometimes we find |
| could simply use a little "tweaking" by just one | | | | ourselves saying, "Well, if he is not going to take out |
| person to get them headed in the right direction. | | | | the garbage, then I'm not doing his laundry." All this |
| Here are four Dos and four Don'ts which you can | | | | serves to do is set up a cycle of negativity that is |
| incorporate into your marriage today: | | | | difficult to break. Attempting to punish your spouse is |
| Do... | | | | demeaning and counterproductive. Instead, decide |
| Be realistic about what marriage should be like. We | | | | how you will behave and stick to it, no matter what |
| often carry around a template of how our marriage | | | | your spouse does. You spouse will notice your |
| "should" be, based on other marriage we observe, | | | | decorum and will be unable to engage you in negative |
| movies we see, and the like. Having these | | | | patterns. |
| expectations creates more opportunities for your | | | | Don't... |
| spouse to disappoint, as he or she fails to live up to | | | | Say whatever comes to mind--especially with touchy |
| this template. Take a realistic look at what you would | | | | subjects. In this day and age, we've learned that we |
| like your marriage to be like, and drop those | | | | have to say what's on our mind. However, with your |
| expectations which are not realistic or not that | | | | spouse, careful editing can go a long way toward |
| important to your overall happiness. | | | | getting along. You know your spouse's buttons--you |
| Do... | | | | know what to say to really hurt his or her feelings |
| Improve your communication skills. There is a lot of | | | | and it's tempting to do this when we're feeling |
| technical sounding jargon regarding communication | | | | especially angry. But if getting your feelings heard is |
| skills, but the most important thing to understand is | | | | important, and it IS, you'll get a lot farther by saying |
| how to listen. Often, we are thinking of our next | | | | what you need to say carefully, without hurting your |
| point or retort, and not hearing what our spouse is | | | | spouse's feelings. It may take time, but your spouse |
| saying. We all have an innate desire to really be | | | | will notice this change and will probably stop trying to |
| heard. By giving the gift of listening to your spouse, | | | | push your buttons, too. |
| not only will your communication improve, but when | | | | Don't... |
| your spouse feels heard, he or she will be more likely | | | | Stay in an argument just to win. If every time you |
| to listen to you, too. | | | | argue you set out to win, you could ultimately lose |
| Do... | | | | your relationship. Trust and connection between the |
| Be complimentary. One negative comment equals 20 | | | | two of you tends to suffer the most. Approach an |
| positive comments. The negative comments are | | | | argument with the intention to understand the issue |
| easy to make, but understand that they are quite | | | | and work toward solving the issue in a way that you |
| destructive to the relationship. By verbalizing the | | | | both feel satisfied. You may need to give a little, but |
| things that you are happy with, as opposed to | | | | in the end, it's worth it. |
| highlighting all the things you are unhappy with, you | | | | Don't... |
| make your spouse feel good about him or herself | | | | Wait to seek help. With time, negative patterns |
| AND you. | | | | become habits and hard feelings become more and |
| Do... | | | | more ingrained. With timely help, issues can be |
| Show your appreciation. It's the little things that | | | | resolved relatively quickly without a lot of negative |
| count. As we grow more and more familiar with our | | | | history getting in the way. Consider consulting with a |
| spouse, many of the niceties fall away. We no longer | | | | licensed marriage and family therapist to determine if |
| as them if we can get them something from the | | | | couple's therapy would be helpful for your situation. |
| kitchen, make their favorite meals, or do one of their | | | | Consider it a preventative measure against bigger |
| chores--just to be nice. Bring back a more neighborly | | | | problems in the future. |
| attitude with your spouse (do the things you would | | | | |