| There are many important things you should do if | | | | restraining order, and you have such proof, let the |
| you are an abuse victim preparing to leave your | | | | evidence speak for itself. There is nothing wrong |
| spouse. These include: making copies of important | | | | with expressing your fears, but do not say more |
| records, papers, and bills; putting these records, some | | | | than you have to against your spouse. If there are |
| cash, and extra clothes in a safe place or a trusted | | | | witnesses to violence, and/or solid physical evidence |
| friend's house; and leaving when you must. If you | | | | (cuts, bruises, broken items), these will be the most |
| can, start your own bank account. Get credit cards in | | | | convincing factors. Most judges will be impressed |
| your own name. | | | | more by a victim who simply states the need for |
| If the threat of physical violence is imminent escape | | | | protection and then presents compelling evidence. If |
| with your children as soon as you can. | | | | you have a lawyer, but still have to testify, do so |
| In such a situation, have an escape plan. Figure out | | | | without anger. Present yourself as a victim of |
| what room in your house is most secure, and has a | | | | deranged behavior, and in need of a sane, sensible |
| reasonable exit to the outside. Be prepared to give in | | | | solution. Concentrate on the violence of the abuse, |
| to verbal demands in order to buy time. Once you | | | | rather than on the abuser. |
| have determined that the moment has come, go | | | | Judges seek to be referees in divorce disputes, not |
| immediately. If you see a dangerous situation arising, | | | | favoring either side. A judge will often resent being |
| do whatever you must (short of increasing the | | | | manipulated into issuing a restraining order early in the |
| physical danger to yourself or your children) to create | | | | proceedings, especially if the victim later uses it as |
| an opportunity for escape. | | | | evidence in the divorce trial. Show that your concerns |
| Once you are away from the home, go to the | | | | are only for the safety of yourself and those around |
| nearest shelter, or to the home of someone you | | | | you. Demonstrate that the order will be a useful tool |
| trust. Also consider whether your spouse will follow, | | | | in cooling things down and producing a just |
| and if so, where he is likely to look. | | | | settlement. |
| Using the Legal System to Escape an Abuser | | | | Another issue that will concern a judge is the children. |
| As I noted above, often a divorce action provokes | | | | Judges are prone to try to sustain contact between |
| an abuser. His violence may escalate. Protective or | | | | parents and children. If your children are subject to |
| restraining orders can help, but they can also further | | | | abuse, then any protective or restraining order should |
| infuriate the abusive spouse. Law enforcement can't | | | | apply to them. If the abuse is not aimed at them, |
| protect a victim or children around the clock. This is | | | | and you intend to allow your spouse any contact |
| something you should discuss with your attorney. | | | | with the children, discuss this with your lawyer. Often |
| Remember, when you ask for a protective or | | | | a restraining order can be limited in a way that is |
| restraining order against your spouse, the judge will | | | | designed to defuse the anger of the abuser. |
| want as much evidence as possible. Document erratic | | | | There are also other options to protective and |
| behavior and any violent actions starting now. You | | | | restraining orders. In most states, a party in a |
| can do this by writing everything down, or keeping a | | | | divorce action can ask that a no-contact order be a |
| computer file, but be sure it is safe from discovery. | | | | condition of the divorce proceedings. However, these |
| Try to recall each detail. Ideally such records should | | | | usually expire with the final decree. |
| be moved to wherever you are keeping your | | | | Settlements |
| important papers in case of escape. One way to | | | | The extent of abuse, and the potential for further |
| keep things written down, and retrievable from | | | | abuse, should be the most important factors in any |
| anywhere, is web based email, such as yahoo or | | | | settlement. If there is an obvious threat of further |
| hotmail, as long as you make sure the password is | | | | abuse to a spouse and/or children, the contact should |
| secure, and that you log off whenever you are | | | | be limited or completely cut off. The safety of the |
| finished. You can write things and save them as a | | | | victims must be the basis for settlement. |
| draft, and there is no risk of losing the hard drive if | | | | If the abuse is confined to the spouse, and isn't |
| you have to leave in a hurry. Call others as soon as | | | | sustained or life threatening, a judge will often |
| possible after an incident, and have them keep a | | | | arrange for visitation rights with the children. If this is |
| record of it. If you have bruises, show them to | | | | the case, make sure all conditions are met to ensure |
| others, and ask them to make a written note of | | | | your own safety when exchanging children for a visit. |
| what they've seen. Keep the paperwork on hospital | | | | Judges sometimes draw up conditions for these |
| visits. If you have made any 911 calls, get the tapes | | | | exchanges that include third parties (trusted friends |
| of them. Your attorney will need as much evidence | | | | or family members), performing the exchange in a |
| as possible. | | | | public place, or other security measures. |
| If you are representing yourself in a motion for a | | | | |