| Research shows that the parenting style used on a | | | | side, these parents are unable to show empathy and |
| child during the first 3 to 4 years of his life is the | | | | sympathy when their children are in distress. |
| strongest factor that determines his level of | | | | Effects on self-esteem - children of neglectful |
| self-esteem. | | | | parents receive the message that they are |
| Parenting style refers to how parents treat, guide, | | | | unwanted and unlovable. When these kids feel they |
| and nurture their young. It encompasses the | | | | are unwanted they will tend to display behavior of |
| messages that parents communicate to a child, | | | | either extreme neediness or extreme defensiveness. |
| verbally and non-verbally, about how lovable, worthy, | | | | 3) Abandonment or rejection - again this type of |
| capable, acceptable and important he is. | | | | abuse has two aspects, namely physical and |
| From the time of infant-hood to childhood, a child's | | | | emotional. Physical abandonment happens when there |
| sense of self is defined by how he was treated and | | | | is death, divorce or illness, and emotional |
| what he was told by his parents and primary | | | | abandonment occurs when parents silent treatment, |
| caregivers. Infants especially, have no knowledge of | | | | puts the child off or pass their parental responsibility |
| who they are as a separate person so they rely | | | | to someone else. Words that these parents use |
| heavily on their parents' feedback. | | | | sound like 'can't you see I'm busy?','go away', or |
| When our parents consistently display affection, love, | | | | 'don't bother me'. |
| encouragement and set proper boundaries, we grow | | | | Effects on self-esteem - children who are |
| up feeling confident, secure and achieve our potential. | | | | consistently abandoned tend to suffer from intense |
| On the other hand, when our parents neglect our | | | | insecurity, self-obsession, and even self-loathing. The |
| needs, criticize us incessantly, withhold love and | | | | message they get is 'I am unworthy'. As adults they |
| affection, place excessive demands on us, or are | | | | may lack the confidence to reach their full potential. |
| overly controlling, we end up feeling unworthy, | | | | A word on emotional abuse |
| insecure, self-critical and unimportant. Over time, our | | | | As the term 'emotional abuse' carries strong negative |
| sense of self and self-esteem becomes distorted and | | | | connotations, some clarifications are needed here. |
| crushed from such emotional abuse. | | | | Emotional abuse is a pattern of negative behavior |
| Types of emotional abuse in a nutshell | | | | handed out to a person continuously over a period of |
| 1) 1) Hypercriticism - parents who are hypercritical | | | | time. Occasional hurtful words and actions do not |
| tend to talk down to their kids, making them feel | | | | constitute abuse. Even the best parents in the world |
| stupid and embarrassed for failing to understand | | | | inevitably or unwittingly say and do insensitive things |
| something or live up to their unreasonable | | | | to their children from time to time. |
| expectations. These parents are impossible to please | | | | Nor does emotional abuse need to be intentional to |
| and find fault in everything their children do. | | | | be defined as such. Many parents and caregivers who |
| Hypercritical parents typically use words like 'you | | | | abuse their children typically have low self-esteem |
| should be ashamed of yourself', what is wrong with | | | | themselves and are unaware of the debilitating |
| you?', 'you will never amount to anything', 'you are | | | | consequences of their behavior on their children's |
| stupid' and any other remarks that ridicule and | | | | sense of self. Most are only doing to their children |
| humiliate their kids. | | | | what had been done to them by their parents. |
| Effects on self-esteem - Children who are brought up | | | | Among these people, few of them actually stop and |
| by hypercritical parents suffer from extremely low | | | | question the appropriateness of what they had learnt |
| self-esteem, strong sense of unworthiness and | | | | from their elders. |
| self-hatred. The message they get is 'I am a bad | | | | Regardless of the type of emotional abuse we may |
| person'. | | | | have received, recovering from low self-esteem is |
| 2) 2) Neglect - in emotional neglect, the parents will | | | | possible with the right guidance and support. The fact |
| provide basic needs for the children but are generally | | | | is our low self-esteem is caused by internalizing a set |
| uninvolved or uninterested their lives. Compared to | | | | of untruths given to us from emotionally unbalanced |
| other types of emotional abuse, neglect has to do | | | | people in our childhood. Learning to identify and |
| more with what parents did not do than what they | | | | understanding where these untruths came from is an |
| did do to their kids. On the physical aspect, neglectful | | | | important step towards of recovering from low |
| parents do not give enough physical nurturance such | | | | self-esteem. |
| as holding and hugging their children. On the emotional | | | | |