| I get a few letters each month from concerned | | | | her one yourself. |
| friends or family members of someone involved in an | | | | Offer safe harbor -- Many women feel they have no |
| abusive relationship. Some of these folks have proof, | | | | place to go on short notice. Let her know she can |
| others have only suspicions. The common thread, | | | | stay with you before she needs to. Similarly, offer to |
| however, is that the person in question seems to be | | | | store copies of her important papers, such as police |
| doing nothing about the situation. | | | | reports, a will, financial documents, etc. |
| Physically and emotionally abusive relationships have a | | | | Provide an escape hatch -- Sometimes abused |
| complicated psychology. So your first task as a friend | | | | partners need to exit quickly. Offer to be on call to |
| relative is to stop applying logic to this inherently | | | | spirit your friend out of a bad situation. If Jumoke |
| illogical situation. Your second is to avoid judging--don't | | | | called me and said, "I heard from my sister today," it |
| judge the person you're trying to support, the abuser | | | | meant I should meet her at the corner in 20 minutes. |
| or yourself. Instead, be supportive and take | | | | Give monetary support -- Some women literally can't |
| responsible actions that improve the situation without | | | | afford to leave. If your friend has limited funds, offer |
| making it worse. | | | | to keep a certain amount on hand for her. Or open a |
| I asked my friend, Jumoke, a survivor of a 10-year | | | | joint account with her (remember to use your |
| abusive relationship, to share what worked when she | | | | address, please) so she can salt away some cash in a |
| was in that situation, what didn't, and what she | | | | secret stash before she leaves. |
| wished people had done. | | | | Secure emotional support -- Some women benefit |
| Telling The Truth | | | | from seeing a therapist to help them get out of an |
| Most abuse victims aren't going to come right out | | | | abusive relationship. One of Jumoke's friends alerted a |
| and tell you what's going on. In many cases, they | | | | therapist that Jumoke might call on short notice for |
| aren't even admitting it to themselves. Daniel and | | | | an appointment. She also pre-paid for the initial visit. |
| fear forced Jumoke to keep her situation hidden | | | | Get professional help -- Few women get good |
| better than Solomon's treasure. | | | | financial counsel before leaving and then suffer from |
| If you want to try to talk about it with your friend, | | | | the decision later. Arrange for your friend to see an |
| start the conversation gently and make it about you, | | | | accountant or financial planner to get her finances in |
| not her. Try something like, "I care so much about | | | | order now. Similarly, get her a family lawyer who can |
| you and I'm concerned. Is everything okay?" Don't | | | | clue her in on laws. In some states, the batterer can |
| press for details; this isn't an interrogation. Once she | | | | sue the wife who leaves him for abandonment or, |
| feels badgered, she'll likely retreat. She may not tell | | | | even worse, for kidnapping if she takes the kids. A |
| you, but you've opened the door if she feels like | | | | skilled attorney can minimize the chances of making a |
| talking later. | | | | costly legal mistake. |
| Offering Support | | | | Build a network -- Every state has organizations |
| Jumoke told a few people when she was deciding to | | | | designed to help women who are leaving abusive |
| leave. They all vowed to be there for her, but it was | | | | situations. Create a list for your friend that includes |
| promises of real help, like a place to stay or a little | | | | resources that can meet her particular needs |
| cash, that gave her the mettle -- and the means -- | | | | (emergency shelters, child care facilities, financial |
| to go through with it. | | | | assistance, etc.). |
| Only you know what you're capable of doing for a | | | | Remember that quite a bit of time often elapses |
| friend in need. But here are some things that can | | | | between the decision to leave and the actual |
| make a significant impact while still respecting your | | | | departure. During this time it's critical that your friend |
| friend's dignity and keeping the risk of making this | | | | knows she isn't alone in this and that she has the |
| situation worse pretty low: | | | | freedom to get out at any time and in any way, |
| Maintain contact -- Make regular contact to ensure | | | | that's right for her. Your support could, literally, be |
| she's okay. Jumoke's sister called daily at a particular | | | | the difference between life and death. But act |
| time to check in. If Jumoke missed the call, her sister | | | | rationally and carefully. You don't want your actions |
| would wait 30 minutes and call back or drive by. If | | | | to end up escalating the violence against your friend, |
| your friend doesn't have a cell phone, you can buy | | | | or to endanger your own safety. |