| People treat you the way you teach them to treat | | | | Yet, at a core level, the victim continues to feel |
| you. If you request and insist on your boundaries | | | | violated as a result of the intrusion. |
| being honored, they will be. On the other hand, if you | | | | Since nothing is said about this violation, the |
| allow others to determine whether to respect your | | | | relationship message supporting fuzzy boundaries |
| limits or not, then expect your boundaries to be | | | | remains intact-and is actually strengthened. The |
| treated as they wish to do so. | | | | abuser is conditioned to trample his/her partner's |
| This is an important lesson for anyone who has ever | | | | boundaries and the abused conditions herself/himself |
| been in an abusive relationship, either with a parent | | | | to expect the same. |
| or with an intimate partner. It's a lesson that requires | | | | The abuser actually believes he/she is entitled to |
| clear and focused integration and application, yet this | | | | penetrate her/his personal space and possess her/his |
| lesson is all too often ignored. | | | | outer and inner world. And the abused goes along |
| Read on to learn about the conditioning of fuzzy | | | | with this intrusion so as not to rock the boat. For she |
| boundaries in abusive relationships... | | | | he knows should that happen, the bigger "one" is just |
| The Fuzzy Boundaries of Abusive Relationships | | | | around the corner. |
| Abusive relationships have implied rules with respect | | | | In some respects you might conclude that the victim |
| to boundaries. These rules create and maintain fuzzy | | | | is motivated by their fear of what their partner might |
| boundaries that support the power and control | | | | do. While this is appropriate to abusive relationships, |
| tactics of the abusive relationship. | | | | when carried over into other relationships, it can |
| For example, checking out cell phone messages, | | | | create interpersonal havoc. |
| numbers called, emails sent and received, as well as | | | | Boundary Lessons for Domestic Violence Survivors |
| the contents on one's hard drive and in one's purse | | | | If you continue to assume responsibility for other |
| or wallet is common practice in abusive relationships. | | | | people's aggressions and affections, then you are |
| The abusive party will snoop to confirm a hunch or | | | | setting yourself up for a perfect fit with another |
| as a fishing expedition. Then, once something is | | | | abuser. If, on the other hand, you recognize that you |
| found, they will hold it in the mind's eye as a club to | | | | are not responsible for another person's feelings and |
| clobber their partner with in real life. | | | | behavior, you open a new door. You free yourself up |
| More often than not, the abused loses herself/himself | | | | to hone in on taking responsibility for your own |
| in the dance over what was found. Rarely is issue | | | | feelings and behavior. |
| taken with the violation of their personal space-their | | | | And with this, you can learn to effectively voice your |
| personal boundaries. | | | | limits and teach others to honor and respect your |
| Mutual Conditioning in Abusive Relationships | | | | boundaries. Once done, you will find yourself |
| Both parties' fixation on the "evidential findings" | | | | experiencing your own integrity within your personal |
| remains well beyond the trespassing of boundaries. | | | | relationships. |