| To begin with, I will try to briefly paint a picture in | | | | really believe he was going to try to kill me or leave |
| words of my life before I married the abuser. I was | | | | me out in the cold to freeze to death. I sensed this |
| raised in a Christian home, a bit sheltered, from the | | | | from the things he was saying to me. He had |
| really bad things that go on in the world of physical | | | | intentionally broken a whiskey bottle on our kitchen |
| abuse. I was a carefree, bubbly, cheerleader type of | | | | table and was acting very bizarre and unusually angry |
| girl, growing up in the rural Midwest. Shortly after | | | | that night. I just kept talking to him about the fact |
| finishing high school, at seventeen, I married my high | | | | we should not leave the children by themselves, and |
| school sweetheart. That was what girls did where I | | | | eventually he became sleepy. That is what saved me. |
| came from, in the nineteen seventies. We got | | | | More than once this man had held a shotgun to my |
| married, and had kids. I married a really wonderful | | | | head threatening to kill me. |
| guy. He was a lot more mature than I was. As the | | | | I heard through a reliable source, that right before I |
| years went by, we basically grew up, and grew | | | | left him, he was trying to take a large life insurance |
| apart. After eight years of marriage, and having two | | | | policy out on me without my knowledge. |
| wonderful little boys. We divorced. | | | | There are so many other incidents, it would take a |
| In my mind, I thought that being raised in a sheltered | | | | long, miserable time to write them all. I just do not |
| home growing up, I had missed out on a lot. Mostly, | | | | have the memory or strength to go back there in |
| the wilder side of life. Therefore, after divorcing, I | | | | my mind any more. The memories are just too |
| took the opportunity to do some partying. | | | | painful. |
| After a year of finding out what that was all about, I | | | | My daughter and I finally escaped one night. She was |
| met husband number two. He quite the charmer, and | | | | old enough by then to choose who she wanted to |
| very charismatic. After a short, whirl wind relationship | | | | live with, and her dad could not threaten me with |
| we got married. Things began to suddenly change | | | | taking her away some place where I could not see |
| quickly after we were married. | | | | her any longer. Her father become violent with her. |
| I had custody of my two sons from my first | | | | He had beaten her with a belt one day before she |
| marriage. After we took them to spend the summer | | | | went to school because she refused to wear a |
| with their father out west. I awoke to the reality | | | | certain pair of pants. By then, I had began standing |
| one day, that life has an ugly side of which I had | | | | up to him. I had totally had enough of this mad man. |
| never even heard of. | | | | I was not going to let him harm my daughter. I |
| The first domestic abuse I had ever experienced in | | | | reported him to the authorities for child abuse. |
| my life, came at the hands of my new husband after | | | | A few nights later my daughter and we escaped, |
| a barbecue one evening. It was just two months | | | | with just the clothes on our backs. (The escape was |
| after we were married. My spouse was driving us to | | | | unbelievable in retrospect. It was harrowing). But with |
| his brother's house. He had been drinking heavily. | | | | God on our side we made it! |
| Suddenly, he began arguing with me seemingly over | | | | I had driven our car to a church that we were |
| nothing. I was in shock at the language he was using | | | | visiting. My spouse had driven his truck there to meet |
| towards me, and his finger was jabbing in my face | | | | us. He brought a couple of his friends that were |
| and shoulder. He was driving our car recklessly all | | | | known to be very dangerous, with him. (They had |
| over the road like a mad man. During all of this, all I | | | | both just gotten out of prison. They had each been |
| could think of was, I have got to get away from this | | | | serving time for manslaughter.) After church he told |
| guy. I spent the next few days, wondering, what | | | | me that a certain man had asked us over for coffee. |
| have I done marrying this guy? Who is he really? | | | | I knew this guy had a reputation for being in alot of |
| Should I give him another chance? After he | | | | trouble with the law also and I did not want to go. I |
| apologized profusely, and convinced me that nothing | | | | told him I needed to get our daughter home because |
| like this would ever happen again, I stayed. | | | | she had school the next morning. I was also afraid of |
| When you are in the beginning of a new marriage, I | | | | these men he had brought to the church service with |
| think sometimes, at least in my circumstances, you | | | | him, and he knew it. He began ranting and raving at |
| believe your spouse will change their bad behavior. | | | | me in front of everyone, telling me that I had better |
| You know, give it a chance. Anyway, after the | | | | go to this guy's house for coffee. My spouse had the |
| abuser convinces you that they are sorry for how | | | | men that I was afraid of involved in trying to |
| they behaved, and that it will never happen again, | | | | intimidate me into going there. I finally pretended I |
| you somehow want to believe them. Especially, when | | | | was going to follow them there. I was really |
| it is really difficult to conceive that people can be so | | | | frightened at the behavior that these men and my |
| cruel. Of course, The excuse always became, " the | | | | husband were displaying, and outside of a church of |
| alcohol made me do it". | | | | all places! Once again, I was in shock that no one |
| Three months after we were married, I became | | | | there was coming to my aid. My daughter was |
| pregnant with our daughter. This man began drinking | | | | terrified of her own father and his friend's behavior |
| more and more. While I was pregnant, he became | | | | also, and was crying. She was eleven years old at |
| increasingly physically violent, and sometimes pulled | | | | the time. I asked God to help us get away from |
| my hair out of my head when in an argument. He | | | | them. I turned onto the two lane highway in the |
| even knocked me across the yard once with his fist | | | | opposite direction that my husband was going, and |
| when I was eight months pregnant with my | | | | drove as fast as I could possibly go. God helped me |
| daughter. I fell backwards to the ground. Thank God | | | | keep that car under control that night! it was the only |
| the baby was still okay. I was very afraid of him, but | | | | way we could have made it. |
| when you are in the middle of a cycle of abuse, it | | | | The dangerous men, whom were friends of my |
| can be confusing. I spent a lot of time just trying to | | | | spouse, began to follow us in their car. They |
| cope. I began trying to leave him in the early years | | | | proceeded to try and run us off of the highway. It |
| of our marriage. When I would leave, he would find | | | | was like something out of a scary movie. When they |
| out where I was staying, call me and threaten to | | | | saw that I was almost to my pastor's home, whom |
| harm members of my family. My parents, my | | | | they were acquainted with, and who lived close by, |
| brother, and other family members. When someone | | | | they finally turned around and went the other way. |
| who is suppose to love you is so violent with you, | | | | I stayed at my pastor's home for a few hours. My |
| you begin to believe they might be capable of | | | | pastor and his wife prayed that God would send |
| anything that they are threatening to do, like killing a | | | | angels to guard over my daughter and I the for the |
| loved one. I just could not take the chance of him | | | | rest of our escape. I stepped out on faith that we |
| harming my family members. I stayed. He was | | | | would be okay, and drove us to my parent's house |
| always obsessive and delusional. His drinking made the | | | | about fifteen miles away. My husband was calling |
| violence so unpredictable, yet at times, predictable. I | | | | everyone that he thought I might have gone to stay |
| prayed constantly for my children and our safety in | | | | with and was trying to talk to me. I refused to |
| this horrible, nightmarish, life. I did whatever I could to | | | | speak to him. It was finally over! |
| try to deal with this man, and to try to protect my | | | | Later we would have to obtain a court order, and |
| children in this prison of a life we were in. His behavior | | | | have men from the local sheriff's department go with |
| was so erratic, there was something new to deal | | | | us to our home to get our things. We stayed at my |
| with every day. | | | | parent's home for several months, and I got a |
| When this man was not directly physically abusing | | | | restraining order on him. |
| me, he would use psychological abuse. Turning over | | | | It was the best thing that I had done in fourteen |
| tables full of our dinner. Turning over refrigerators. | | | | very long years! I never looked back! |
| Throwing large objects at me to terrorize me. Throw | | | | To this day, I know that God sent his angels to |
| plates of food on the wall, and scream at me that he | | | | protect my daughter and I that night. |
| did not like the food. He would further abuse me by | | | | Our divorce went through several months later. |
| making me clean up the mess he had made. | | | | I have suffered a lot of memory loss due to post |
| Sometimes he would drink and then insist that the | | | | traumatic stress disorder from being in that marriage. |
| kids and I get in the car. He would then proceed to | | | | I would not want anyone to ever experience what |
| drive us places in the vehicle, driving very fast, and all | | | | we all went through at the hands of that man. Or |
| over the road. | | | | any abuser. Also, needless to say, my children bear |
| He would always try to isolate me from my friends | | | | the emotional scars from all of the abuse they saw |
| and family. | | | | and experienced during those fourteen very long |
| He had many affairs that I found out about after we | | | | years. For that I will always live with the regret of |
| were divorced. | | | | not being brave enough to leave many years before |
| If I fought him back in any way, he would then | | | | I finally did. |
| become so violent that I was afraid of being killed, | | | | After the divorced he would still have me followed at |
| and that my children would be left without their | | | | times, and he drove by the apartment that my |
| mother. | | | | daughter and I had moved into, trying to harass me. |
| I hated this marriage for myself, but for my children | | | | I did not care. I was not going to be afraid of him or |
| most of all. After my daughter was born, he began | | | | anyone else ever again! My daughter and I then went |
| trying to use her against me. He always said he | | | | to counseling for several months, and I went back to |
| would take her away some place unknown, and I | | | | school, obtained my cosmetology license, and got a |
| would never see her again if I left. So I stayed. I | | | | decent job. |
| knew for a fact he could be capable of this because | | | | Was all of this easy? No, but it was sure worth it! |
| of the family he belonged to, the work he did, and | | | | If you, or someone you know, is in a violent |
| the friends he kept. He had some connections to | | | | relationship. Try to be there for them and get them |
| some very dangerous people. He was also friends | | | | help. The best thing that I did after I got away from |
| with the law enforcement officers in our area. In that | | | | my abuser was talking with a local violence counselor. |
| particular area of rural America, the law was not on | | | | She gave me hope, and explained to me the cycle of |
| the side of abused women. It was fruitless to | | | | abuse that women, and even some men live with, at |
| contact them. | | | | the hands of an abuser. I would recommend trying to |
| He literally tried to kill me on at least three different | | | | have anyone you know that is in an abusive |
| occasions. Once, while we were at his parent's house | | | | relationship, speak to a professional counselor. The |
| he jerked me to the ground and sat on my chest | | | | counselor can help them get out of the abusive |
| and pulling my hair and head back so I could not get | | | | situation. |
| any air. I lost consciousness for a moment. That | | | | The abusers are very dangerous, so be cautious. |
| sobered him up just long enough to let me up, so he | | | | Remember, sometimes the victims are so bound by |
| could chase me and try to hurt me again. His parents | | | | fear that they just cannot help themselves. That is |
| came home and stopped him from hurting me any | | | | generally why they live with the abuse. |
| further. He came from a very dysfunctional family, to | | | | Today I am glad to say that I am happily married to |
| say the least. They would not allow me to call my | | | | a wonderful, safe, loving husband, whom I dearly |
| folks to come and get me and the children that day. | | | | adore. There is hope! |
| He had been drinking whiskey, and whiskey always | | | | If you are reading this and you are a victim of |
| made him completely insane. | | | | domestic abuse, or want to help someone you know |
| Another time we were staying in northern Minnesota, | | | | that is in a abusive relationship. Call a violence hotline |
| while he was working a construction job there. He | | | | in your area and let them help you to get help to get |
| became drunk, as usual, and was trying to force me | | | | out of the relationship once and for all. If you do not |
| to take a ride in the car with him. The temperature | | | | know what number to call, you can call the phone |
| was forty degrees below zero outside. It was very | | | | number below and they will direct you to your |
| late at night. There was no logical reason for him to | | | | closest domestic abuse hotline number. |
| try to have me go with him anywhere. Except, I | | | | |