| Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult, but being | | | | South Africa. I enjoyed several meals with a |
| alone can feel worse. All your happily married friends | | | | Londoner who'd sold her furniture business to travel |
| are still happily married, and here you are suddenly | | | | around the world. When I returned home to New |
| single. It's a huge adjustment. Even though you've | | | | York, I had a completely new outlook. I felt capable, |
| triumphed by getting out of a bad situation, there's | | | | powerful, and independent. Traveling by myself had a |
| often an underlying sense of failure. There's | | | | pronounced impact on my subsequent relationships |
| enormous pressure to be a couple in this society. | | | | with men; I was no longer willing to take anything |
| When I was single, the worst part wasn't loneliness. | | | | less than the finest treatment from them. |
| It was the remarks from people who wanted to | | | | 4. See a movie by yourself. |
| know when I was finally going "to hook up for real," | | | | A friend's lovely boyfriend once told me, "You're not |
| and the warnings from an aunt that I wasn't getting | | | | an adult until you've seen a movie by yourself." After |
| any younger. The worst comment came after I'd | | | | my last rotten relationship, I took myself to see |
| broken up with a man who undermined my | | | | "Rain Man." Yes, a couple of less-enlightened jerks did |
| confidence, did not turn up when he said he was | | | | look at me pityingly, but I didn't care. I walked out of |
| going to, slapped me so hard my ears rang, and | | | | the theater feeling great, even if the movie was |
| threw a glass of wine in my face. A colleague told | | | | overrated. I started going on solo trips to the movies |
| me that I could not possibly last without him. "You | | | | once every couple of weeks, and it was absolutely |
| think you're happy, but you'd be much happier with a | | | | freeing. I didn't have to compromise with anybody |
| boyfriend," she said. | | | | about what film to see, and I genuinely enjoyed my |
| It is this attitude, which persists even in 2005, that | | | | own company. I began to feel that I could do |
| drives women to date substandard men and put up | | | | whatever I wanted. |
| with ridiculous behavior. It makes it tempting to pick | | | | 5. Buy yourself flowers. |
| up the phone and ask a rotten fellow if he has plans | | | | Once a week, pick out an inexpensive bouquet from |
| Friday night, rather than face the prospect of | | | | the corner grocer. Stop making excuses. Stop telling |
| attending a dinner party populated with giddy couples | | | | yourself you can't afford it, that you should spend |
| alone. | | | | your money on something practical, and just buy it. |
| Maybe you'd like to meet someone new, but the | | | | Take it home and put it in one of those empty |
| idea of dating makes you nervous. You certainly don't | | | | vases you have lying around. The flowers will cheer |
| want to end up with another abuser. Women tend to | | | | you every time you see them. They will make you |
| attract the same type of person again and again, | | | | feel loved. |
| unless they take steps to do otherwise. | | | | 6. Go out with your old friends. |
| That was my story, anyway. After seeing a series | | | | There's nothing quite like a night out with the girls. If |
| of men who ranged from being abusive to | | | | you managed to shut out your friends while you |
| emotionally distant, I decided that it was time to stop | | | | were with What's-His-Name, you may have some |
| dating. I would become my own boyfriend. I started | | | | apologizing to do. So go to it, and resolve never to |
| treating myself the way the dreamiest man in the | | | | let a man get between you and your friends again. |
| world would. The results were fantastic. Two months | | | | Then, go out and have a blast. Do it often! You |
| later, I began my first healthy relationship with a man. | | | | deserve it. |
| I never did fall in love with him, though, so I broke it | | | | 7. Treat yourself kindly. |
| off. Then the man who would become my husband | | | | Talk to yourself as you would a beloved child. You |
| walked into the picture, starting the most fulfilling | | | | wouldn't tell a little one, "You're so stupid," or "You're |
| relationship I have ever known. What's more, it's an | | | | fat," so stop saying such things to yourself. Speak to |
| easy relationship: no drama, no angst, and no mind | | | | yourself--and treat yourself--like a perfect soul who is |
| games. We've been happily married for 12 years. | | | | progressing every day. A baby doesn't come into the |
| You can have a healthy, fulfilling love relationship, too. | | | | world with the ability to talk, but it learns eventually. |
| But you have to do some inner work first. Here's | | | | Treat yourself to something wonderful every chance |
| how to get going: | | | | you get. It doesn't have to cost money. Lose the |
| 1. Believe that you are capable of it. | | | | guilt and eat your lunch in the park instead of tying |
| If all your relationships have been unhealthy, you may | | | | yourself to your desk. Take a walk in the evening |
| not believe that you are capable of a healthy one. | | | | and discover a different part of town. Do things that |
| Maybe you don't even know what a happy and | | | | feel good. If you have the habit of eating takeout |
| mutually supportive relationship is. Find a pen and | | | | because you don't like "to cook for one," it's time to |
| paper right this minute and write down the qualities | | | | impress the most important person in your life. Cook |
| your perfect man would possess (hint: he'd be loving, | | | | yourself something simple and delicious. Set the table |
| honest, faithful, gentle, and so on). Now write down | | | | (no standing over the stove and eating out of the |
| how you'd feel in a relationship with such a person | | | | pot) and serve it on your best china. Enjoy it with a |
| (peaceful, content, joyous, excited, and so on). Keep | | | | single glass of the most delightful wine you can |
| these lists with you at all times. Dwell on them | | | | afford. |
| whenever you have a minute, perhaps in the ladies' | | | | 8. Take a class or join a club. |
| room at work. It's especially helpful to read | | | | Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've heard it before, but it really |
| them--and feel the emotions they bring up--for a | | | | does make a difference. Everybody has a special |
| minimum of 30 days. Do this as you drop off to | | | | interest, and it's time to explore yours. You'll develop |
| sleep at night and before you put your feet on the | | | | confidence, meet new people, and most important, |
| floor in the morning. Your subconscious will go to | | | | get out of the house on a regular basis. When my |
| work on drawing a man with these qualities to you. It | | | | friend Brian found out that his girlfriend had been |
| may sound like hocus-pocus, but it works. | | | | cheating on him for 15 years, he packed up her |
| 2. Know that you are a treasure yet to be | | | | things and listened to sad music for two weeks. |
| discovered. | | | | Then he moved on. His interests are cooking and the |
| Make a list of your own excellent qualities. Bring to | | | | outdoors, so he enrolled in a cooking class and joined |
| mind every important compliment you've ever | | | | a hikers' club. He made friends through both activities |
| gotten. Recognize that you deserve a healthy | | | | and, before long he was inviting them to his house |
| relationship. Understand that you are worthy of love, | | | | for dinner parties. One night, a guest brought a |
| respect, tenderness, and whatever else was missing | | | | female friend along, and Joe fell in love with her. |
| from--or inconsistent in-- your former relationship. A | | | | They got married two years ago. |
| lot of us have been raised to think it's conceited to | | | | 9. Date carefully. |
| dwell on our good qualities, but you if you haven't a | | | | After being your own boyfriend for a while, you may |
| sense of your own worth, you really can't attract a | | | | want a relationship with a man again. (Or maybe you |
| man who will give you the love you deserve. It's | | | | won't.) When you're out on dates, ask yourself if the |
| imperative that you overcome your own feelings of | | | | guy exhibits any of your ex's qualities. Abusers are |
| inadequacy before you date again, or you're bound | | | | utterly charming in the beginning, but they leave clues |
| to end up with your ex in a different body. | | | | that indicate they're not good boyfriend material. |
| 3. Do all the things you put off while you were with | | | | Observe carefully. Never make excuses for poor |
| Mr. Wrong. | | | | behavior. Ask yourself if the guy is the kind of man |
| Now is the time to do all the things your ex held you | | | | you'd like your daughter to marry (whether or not |
| back from, whether that means going to a museum | | | | you have one). If the answer is no, give him the slip. |
| or eating in a particular restaurant. Perhaps you've | | | | Continue to be your own boyfriend until the right |
| dreamed of vacationing in Malta, but your ex insisted | | | | fellow shows up. Eventually, he will. |
| on a fishing trip every year. If you can afford it, | | | | Make time to develop a loving relationship with |
| pencil in some vacation time and go for it-- by | | | | yourself, and the bad boys you once found irresistible |
| yourself. After I decided to become my own best | | | | just won't appeal to you anymore. You will magnetize |
| boyfriend, I took myself to San Francisco for four | | | | gentle, fun, upstanding, faithful men, and you'll be |
| days. I booked a room in a B&B instead of a | | | | attracted to them, too, for a change. Before you |
| hotel because I'm shy; the communal breakfasts | | | | know it, you'll find yourself in the relationship of your |
| forced me to talk to other people. As a result, I | | | | dreams. I did it, and so can you. |
| went sight-seeing with a dancewear designer from | | | | |