| If you live with a resentful, angry, or emotional | | | | and cover up a monumental collection of core hurts. |
| abusive person, you have most likely have already | | | | Though it can be an effective strategy in social |
| tried marriage counseling or individual psychotherapy. | | | | contexts, this masquerade falls flat on its face in an |
| You may have tried sending your partner to some | | | | intimate one. If your husband is a charmer in public, |
| kind of anger-management group. Let me guess your | | | | his resentment, anger, or abuse at home is designed |
| experience: Your personal psychotherapy did not help | | | | to keep you from getting close enough to see how |
| your relationship, marriage counseling made it worse, | | | | inadequate and unlovable he really feels. In fooling the |
| your partner's psychotherapy made it still worse, and | | | | marriage counselor and the public at large, he makes |
| his anger-management or abuser classes lowered the | | | | a fool of you but an even bigger one of himself. |
| tone but not the chronic blame of his resentment, | | | | Why Your Psychotherapy Did Not Help Your |
| anger, or abuse. | | | | Relationship and His Made It Worse |
| Fortunately, you can learn something about healing | | | | Research and clinical experience show that women in |
| from each one of these failed treatments, which we | | | | therapy tend to withhold important details about their |
| will examine next, one by one. | | | | walking-on-eggshells relationships. Most say that |
| Why Marriage Counseling Fails | | | | they're embarrassed to be completely honest with |
| By the time most of my clients come to see me, | | | | their therapists. One woman told me that she was |
| they have already been to at least three marriage | | | | convinced that her therapist, whom she thought was |
| counselors, usually with disastrous results. A major | | | | "awesome," wouldn't like her if she knew about the |
| reason for their disappointment is that marriage | | | | harsh emotional abuse at home. Though it is incredibly |
| counseling presupposes that both parties have the | | | | hard to believe, she saw that same therapist for five |
| skill to regulate guilt, shame, and feelings of | | | | years without ever mentioning her husband's severe |
| inadequacy without blaming them on one another. If | | | | problems with anger and abuse. By the time I was |
| your husband could reflect on the motivations of his | | | | called in, the woman was suffering from acute |
| behavior - what within him makes him act as he | | | | depression and anxiety that were destroying her |
| does-he might then disagree with you or feel he can't | | | | physical health. When I spoke to the therapist, |
| communicate with you or feel incompatible with you | | | | however, she had no clue about the abuse. |
| for any number of reasons, but he wouldn't yell, | | | | When therapists are aware that their clients are |
| ignore, avoid, devalue, or dismiss you in the process. | | | | walking on eggshells at home, they feel almost bound |
| If your husband were able to regulate his own | | | | to persuade the woman to leave the relationship. |
| emotions, your marriage counseling might have been | | | | The most frequent complaint I hear from women |
| successful. | | | | who have undergone this kind of advocacy therapy |
| Another strike against marriage counseling is manifest | | | | is that they were reluctant to reveal the depth of |
| in an old joke among marriage therapists: We all have | | | | their guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment to their |
| skid marks at the door where the husband is being | | | | disapproving therapists. Some have reported that |
| dragged in. As you well know, men do not go | | | | their counselors would say things like, "After all he did |
| voluntarily to therapy as a rule. So therapists tend to | | | | to you, and you feel guilty?" I have heard hundreds |
| go out of their way to engage the man because he | | | | of women report this kind of pressure from their |
| is 10 times more likely to drop out than his wife. If | | | | therapists and have heard hundreds of therapists at |
| the therapist is sufficiently skilled, this extra effort to | | | | conferences express exasperation about their clients' |
| keep the man engaged isn't a problem, in normal | | | | reluctance to leave their walking-on-eggshells |
| relationships. But in walking-on-eggshells relationships it | | | | relationships. The trainings I do for therapists |
| can be disastrous, because the therapist unwittingly | | | | worldwide always emphasize the utter necessity of |
| joins with the more resentful, angry, or abusive | | | | compassion for their clients' enormous burden of guilt. |
| partner in trying to figure out who is to blame in a | | | | Making hurt women feel ashamed of their natural |
| given complaint. Of course he or she won't use the | | | | (albeit irrational) feelings of guilt is intolerably bad |
| word, "blame." Most marriage counselors are intelligent | | | | practice. Compassion for her core hurts is the healthy |
| and well-meaning and really want to make things | | | | way to help her heal her pain. |
| better. So they will couch their interventions in terms | | | | Despite these problems, your psychotherapy |
| of what has to be done to resolve the dispute, | | | | probably helped you a little, even though it did not |
| rather than who is to blame. Here's an example of | | | | help your relationship. Whether it helped your husband |
| how they go wrong. | | | | is another matter. |
| Therapist: Estelle, it seems that Gary gets angry | | | | The goal of traditional psychotherapy is to reprocess |
| when he feels judged. | | | | painful experience in the hope of changing the way |
| Gary: That's right. I get judged about everything. | | | | the client sees himself and his loved ones. If your |
| Therapist: (to Estelle) I'm not saying that you are | | | | husband's therapy unearthed painful experience from |
| judging him- | | | | his past, without first teaching him basic emotional |
| Gary: (interrupting) Oh yes she is. It's her hobby. | | | | self-regulation, he most likely dealt with that pain in |
| Therapist: (to Estelle) I'm saying that he feels judged. | | | | the only way he knew how -- by taking it out on |
| Perhaps if your request could be put in such a way | | | | you. He either seemed more entitled to display |
| that he wouldn't feel judged, you would get a better | | | | resentful, angry, or abusive behavior or used the pain |
| reaction. | | | | of his past as an excuse for it. Here are the sort of |
| Estelle: How do I do that? | | | | things women hear from resentful, angry, or abusive |
| Therapist: I noticed that when you ask him for | | | | men who are in therapy: |
| something, you focus on what he's doing wrong. You | | | | "With all I've had to put up with, don't you hassle me, |
| also use the word "you" a lot. Suppose you framed it | | | | too!" |
| like this. "Gary, I would like it if we could spend five | | | | "It's so hard being me, I shouldn't have to put with |
| minutes when we get home just talking to each | | | | your crap, too!" |
| other about our day." (to Gary) Would you feel | | | | "I know I was mean to you, but with the pain I've |
| judged if she put it like that? | | | | suffered, you have to cut me some slack." |
| Gary: Not at all. But I doubt that she could get the | | | | In defense of your husband's therapist, this approach |
| judgment out of her tone of voice. She doesn't | | | | is designed to make him more empathic to you |
| know how to talk any other way. | | | | eventually. But it takes a long time - a great many |
| Therapist: Sure she does. (to Estelle) You can say it | | | | weekly one-hour sessions - before his sense of |
| without judgment in your voice, can't you? | | | | entitlement gives way to an appreciation of your |
| Estelle: Yes, of course I can. I don't mean to be | | | | feelings. And once he reaches that point, he has to |
| judgmental all the time. | | | | deal with the guilt of how he's treated you in his |
| Therapist: Why don't we rehearse it a few times? | | | | "pre-empathic" years. For at least a few more |
| So now the problem isn't Gary's sense of inadequacy | | | | months of slow-acting therapy, he'll feel guilty every |
| or his addiction to blame or his abusiveness, it's | | | | time he looks at you. Without the skills offered in the |
| Estelle's judgmental tone of voice. With this crucial | | | | Boot Camp section of this book, he'll either lash out |
| shift in perspective introduced by the therapist, | | | | at you for making him feel guilty or distance himself |
| Estelle rehearsed her new approach. Gary responded | | | | from the wrongly perceived source of his pain - you. |
| positively to her efforts, while the therapist was | | | | As we've already seen, marriage counselors have to |
| there to contain his emotional reactivity. Of course at | | | | make special efforts to build a working alliance with |
| home, it was quite another matter, despite their | | | | reluctant male clients. That formidable task is all the |
| hours of rehearsal in the therapist's office. | | | | harder in the more intimate context of individual |
| In a less reactive relationship, the therapist's advice | | | | psychotherapy with a man who dreads exposing |
| wouldn't be so bad. It's questionable whether it would | | | | vulnerability, as just about all resentful, angry, or |
| help, but it wouldn't do any harm. If Gary could | | | | abusive men do. To establish and nurture this |
| regulate his emotions, he might have appreciated | | | | tenuous alliance, therapists will often employ a |
| Estelle's efforts to consider him in the way she | | | | technique called "joining." He or she may validate your |
| phrased her requests; perhaps he would have | | | | husband's feelings about your behavior, both for the |
| become more empathic. But in the day-to-day reality | | | | sake of the therapeutic alliance and out of fear that |
| of this walking-on-eggshells relationship, Gary felt | | | | he'll drop out of therapy, as most men do before |
| guilty when Estelle made greater efforts to appease | | | | making any real progress. Your resentful, angry, or |
| him. Predictably, he blamed it all on her -- she wasn't | | | | abusive husband will likely interpret the best "joining" |
| doing it right, her "I-statements" had an underlying | | | | efforts of his therapist as reinforcement that he has |
| accusatory tone, and she was trying to make him | | | | been mostly right all along and you have been mostly |
| look bad. | | | | wrong. To make matters worse, most therapists |
| By the way, research shows that therapists behave | | | | have a bias to believe what their clients tell them, |
| in their own relationships pretty much the same way | | | | even when they know that they're getting only half |
| that you do. In disagreements with their spouses, | | | | the story and a distorted half at that. This is a bit |
| they fail just as much as you in trying to use the | | | | hard to swallow when you consider that many |
| "communication-validation" techniques they make you | | | | resentful, angry, or abusive men make their wives |
| do in their offices. They find it as tough as you and | | | | sound like Norman Bates's mother -- they're just |
| your husband do to put on the brakes when their | | | | minding their own business, when she comes |
| own emotions and instinct to blame are going full | | | | screaming out of nowhere wielding a bloody knife. |
| throttle. After all, how is Mr. Hyde supposed to | | | | If you were lucky enough to communicate with your |
| remember what Dr. Jeckyl learned in marriage | | | | husband's therapist - and that's something that most |
| counseling? | | | | resentful, angry, or abusive men will not allow - you |
| One popular marriage therapist and author has | | | | probably heard things like this. |
| written that women in abusive marriages have to | | | | "He's really trying, give him credit for that." |
| learn to set boundaries. "She needs to learn skills to | | | | "As you know, he has so many issues to work |
| make her message - 'I will not tolerate this behavior | | | | through." |
| any longer' - heard. [The] hurt person [must] learn | | | | "We're starting to chip away at the denial." |
| how to set boundaries that actually mean something." | | | | The message to you is always, "Continue to walk on |
| This is the therapeutic equivalent of a judge | | | | eggshells and hope that he comes around." |
| dismissing your law suit against vandals because you | | | | Why Anger-Management Didn't Work |
| failed to put up a "Do not vandalize" sign. You have | | | | Research shows that anger-management programs |
| to wonder if this therapist puts post-its on valued | | | | sometimes produce short-term gains, and that these |
| objects in her office that clearly state, "Do not steal!" | | | | all but disappear when follow-up is done a year or so |
| Putting aside the harmful, inaccurate implication that | | | | later. That was almost certainly your experience if |
| women are abused because they don't have the "skill | | | | your husband took an anger-management class. They |
| to set boundaries," this kind of intervention | | | | are especially ineffective with men whose wives |
| completely misses the point. Your husband's | | | | have to walk on eggshells. |
| resentment, anger, or abuse comes from his | | | | The worst kind of anger-management class teaches |
| substitution of power for value. It has nothing to do | | | | men to "get in touch with their anger" and to "get it |
| with the way you set boundaries or with what you | | | | out." The assumption here is that emotions are like |
| argue about. It has to do with his violation of his | | | | 19th century steam engines that need to "let off |
| deepest values. As we'll see in the chapter on | | | | steam" on a regular basis. These kinds of classes |
| removing the thorns from your heart, you will be | | | | include things like punching bags and using foam |
| protected, not by setting obvious boundaries that he | | | | baseball bats to club imaginary adversaries. (Guess |
| won't respect, but by reintegrating your deepest | | | | who would be the imaginary victim of your husband's |
| values into your everyday sense of self. When you | | | | foam-softened clubbing?) Many studies have shown |
| no longer internalize the distorted image of yourself | | | | conclusively that this approach actually makes people |
| that your husband reflects back to you, your | | | | angrier and more hostile, not to mention more |
| husband will clearly understand that he has to change | | | | entitled to act out their anger. Participants are training |
| the way he treats you if he wants to save the | | | | their brains to associate controlled aggression with |
| marriage. | | | | anger. Could the designers of these programs really |
| One of the reasons marriage therapy fails to help | | | | think women would be pleased that their men |
| walking-on-eggshells relationships is that it relies on | | | | learned in anger-management class to fantasize about |
| egalitarian principles. Noble an idea as it is, this | | | | punching them with a foam bat? |
| approach can only work in a relationship in which the | | | | Of course, there is a much better alternative to both |
| couple sees each other as equals. Remember, your | | | | "holding it in" and "getting it out." In the Boot Camp |
| husband feels that you control his painful emotions | | | | section of this book, your husband will learn to |
| and, therefore, feels entitled to use resentment, | | | | replace resentment, anger, and abusive impulses, with |
| anger, or abuse as a defense against you. He will | | | | compassion for you. |
| resist any attempt to take away what he perceives | | | | Hopefully, your husband did not attend one of these |
| to be his only defense with every tool of | | | | discredited classes on anger expression. But you |
| manipulation and avoidance he can muster. In other | | | | might not have been so lucky when it came to the |
| words, he is unlikely to give up his "edge" of moral | | | | second worse form of anger-management: |
| superiority - he's right, you're wrong - for the | | | | "desensitization." In that kind of class your husband |
| give-and-take process required of couples' therapy. | | | | would mention your behaviors that "push his |
| And should the therapist even remotely appear to | | | | buttons," things like you "nagging" him. The instructor |
| "side" with you on any issue, the whole process will | | | | would then work to make those behaviors seem less |
| be dismissed as "sexist psychobabble." | | | | "provocative" to him. The techniques include things |
| Many men blame their wives on the way home from | | | | like ignoring it, avoiding it, or pretending it's funny. |
| the therapist's office for bringing up threatening or | | | | Didn't you always dream that one day your husband |
| embarrassing things in the session. Two couples I | | | | would learn to be less angry by ignoring you and |
| know were seriously injured in car crashes that | | | | avoiding you or thinking that you're funny when you |
| resulted from arguments on the way home from | | | | ask him about something serious? |
| appointments with therapists they worked with | | | | Core hurts -- not specific behaviors -- trigger anger. If |
| before I met them. I'm willing to bet that if you've | | | | the class succeeds in making your husband less |
| tried marriage counseling, you've had a few chilly, | | | | sensitive to you "nagging" him, he will nevertheless |
| argumentative, or abusive rides home from the | | | | get irritable when you tell him you love him, as that |
| sessions. | | | | will stir his guilt and inadequacy. Most important, you |
| The trap that many marriage counselors fall into | | | | don't want him to become less sensitive to core |
| (taking you with them) is that resentment - the | | | | hurts. Quite the opposite, as he becomes more |
| foundation of anger and abuse - can seem like a | | | | sensitive to them, he will be more sensitive to you, |
| relationship issue. "I resent that you left your towel | | | | provided that he learns how to regulate his feelings |
| on the bathroom floor, because it makes me feel | | | | of inadequacy by showing compassion and love for |
| disregarded, like my father used to make me feel." | | | | you, which the Boot Camp section will help him to do. |
| But as we have seen, the primary purpose of | | | | Desensitizing doesn't work at all on resentment, |
| resentment is to protect the vulnerability you feel (or | | | | which is the precursor to most displays of anger. |
| he feels) from your low levels of core value. Please | | | | Resentment is not simply a reflexive response to a |
| be sure you get this point: Low core value is not a | | | | specific event, to something you say or do. |
| relationship issue. You each have to regulate your | | | | Resentment arouses the entire nervous system and |
| own core value before you can begin to negotiate | | | | works like a defensive system itself. That's why you |
| about behavior. In other words, if self-value depends | | | | don't resent just one or two or two hundred things. |
| on the negotiation, you can't make true behavior | | | | When you're resentful, you are constantly scanning |
| requests - if your "request" isn't met, you will | | | | the environment for any possible bad news, lest it |
| retaliate with some sort of emotional punishment: "If | | | | sneak up on you. Anger-management classes try to |
| you don't do this, I'll make you feel guilty (or worse)." | | | | deal with this constant level of arousal with |
| Merely teaching the couple to phrase things | | | | techniques to manage it, that is, to keep your |
| differently reinforces the false and damaging notion | | | | husband from getting so upset that he feels |
| that your partner is responsible for your core value | | | | compelled to act out his anger. "Don't make it |
| and vice versa. | | | | worse," is the motto of most anger-management |
| Many women live with resentful, angry, or abusive | | | | classes. If he was aggressive they taught him to |
| men who seem to the rest of the world to be | | | | withdraw. If he shut down, they taught him to be |
| "charmers." I've had cabinet secretaries, billionaires, | | | | more assertive. What they didn't teach him was how |
| movie stars, and TV celebrities for clients, all of | | | | to stop blaming his core hurts on you and act |
| whom could charm the fur off a cat, in public. Before | | | | according to his own deeper values. If attempts to |
| they were referred to me, each one of these guys | | | | manage anger don't appeal to core values, resentful |
| had been championed by marriage counselors who | | | | men begin to feel like they're "swallowing it," or |
| concluded that their wives were unreasonable, | | | | "going along to avoid an argument." This erodes their |
| hysterical, or even abusive. They have no trouble at | | | | self-esteem and justifies, in their minds, occasional |
| all playing the sensitive, caring husband in therapy. But | | | | blow ups: "I am sick and tired of putting up with your |
| in the privacy of their homes they sulk, belittle, | | | | crap!" Then they can feel self-righteous: "I'm mad as |
| demean, and even batter with the worst of them. | | | | hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" |
| These men have gotten so good at charming the | | | | In a love relationship, managing anger is not the point. |
| public, including their marriage counselors, because | | | | You need to promote compassion, which is the only |
| they've had lots of practice. Since they were young | | | | reliable prevention of resentment, anger, and abuse. |
| children, they've used charm and social skills to avoid | | | | |