| Since our boot camps were featured on a couple of | | | | circumstance, we are (humanely) equal." Pity implies |
| Oprah Winfrey Shows (they'd been around for a | | | | inequality: "I pity you because you're inferior in some |
| decade before the popular media discovered them), I | | | | way -- naïve, stupid, selfish, narcissistic, |
| have been interviewed often about the "radically | | | | uneducated, poor, unskilled, etc." (Hence we receive |
| new" idea of treating resentment, anger, emotional | | | | compassion from others as a gesture of basic |
| abuse, and verbal abuse problems by training abusive | | | | humanity but are offended if someone pities us.) |
| people to experience compassion. | | | | Compassion includes motivation to connect |
| Using compassion to eliminate the vulnerabilities that | | | | emotionally to the experience of another, which, in |
| anger and aggression protect us from seems radical | | | | turn, motivates helping behavior. Pity is merely feeling |
| and new only in this era of emotional pollution, in | | | | bad at the sight of another's suffering. Unmediated |
| which we fail to see other people apart from our | | | | by genuine sympathy, pity leads to contempt. (The |
| reactions to them. The emerging reactive narcissism | | | | playwright, Bertolt Brecht mused that the first time |
| -- the running theme of the current blog - is highly | | | | we see a beggar on the street we'll feel pity; the |
| contagious and inevitably produces a sense of | | | | second time we'll call a policeman to have him |
| entitlement, victim identity, self righteousness, and | | | | removed.) But it's not so easy when the contempt is |
| the opposite of compassion: resentment and | | | | for someone you love, for then it will eventually |
| contempt. | | | | stimulate guilt, which will stimulate more pity, only to |
| Our boot camps help couples escape the effects of | | | | harden once again into contempt. This pendulum of |
| emotional pollution by reclaiming the most important | | | | pain, swinging back and forth from |
| thing about them - their core value, i.e., their ability to | | | | pity-contempt-guilt-pity is the emotional force that |
| create value and meaning in their lives, specifically to | | | | keeps people locked in dysfunctional relationships, |
| make certain people and things important and worthy | | | | with no clue of how to make them better. |
| of time, effort, and sacrifice. A revitalized sense of | | | | Unfortunately, the usual way out is for the parties to |
| core value returns them to the natural state of | | | | adopt a permanent contemptuous state, which |
| compassion they first experienced as very young | | | | greatly decreases their ability to create value and |
| children and then fervently relived when they were | | | | meaning in most areas of their lives. |
| falling in love. Most of them realize that they like | | | | Compassion Means Trusting Wisely |
| themselves more when compassionate than resentful. | | | | We never get hurt by too much compassion, but |
| Most recognize that they have fundamental values | | | | we're hurt all the time by unwise trust. Compassion |
| that are more important to them than their egos and | | | | lets you see the depth of other people's vulnerability |
| that their egos were constructed in large part as | | | | and more intelligently assess their defenses against it. |
| defense against the shame of violating or losing | | | | In short, it tells you whom you can trust. With |
| touch with those values. When motivated by | | | | compassion you can discern whether your partner |
| defense of ego, they violate their deepest values | | | | can use his sense of inadequacy as motivation to |
| and devalue those they love; motivated by their | | | | become adequate in relationships. If your partner |
| deepest values, they don't need so much of an ego. | | | | sees feelings of inadequacy as punishment rather |
| As their egos subside, so does their need to control, | | | | than motivation to become adequate (more |
| criticize, dominate, and devalue others. | | | | compassionate and loving), you will certainly be |
| Living with Them | | | | regarded as the punisher. |
| Living with a resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive | | | | As you experience the healing of genuine |
| person turns you into someone you are not. As you | | | | compassion, you understand that your partner |
| naturally grow defensive and resentful about being | | | | cannot heal without compassion for you, which |
| blamed for your partner's negative feelings and bad | | | | means he must see, hear, and value you as separate |
| behavior, you lose touch with your core value and | | | | from him. If your partner will not or cannot do that, |
| begin to vacillate between contempt and pity, passing | | | | your relationship will likely cause grave harm to both |
| through guilt and self-recrimination along the way. | | | | of you and almost certainly to your children. |
| Understanding the difference between compassion | | | | Pity, guilt, and contempt will not heal either of you; |
| and pity and their relationship to trust is crucial to | | | | only mutual compassion will make you whole as a |
| recovery. | | | | couple. If you cannot feel compassion and value from |
| Compassion entails equality: "I sympathize with your | | | | your partner, the most compassionate thing to do |
| hurt, because, despite our differences in | | | | for everyone is leave. |