| Anger and abuse in relationships are about blame: "I | | | | couch potato, womanizer, or obsessive about sports |
| feel bad, and it's your fault." Even when resentful, | | | | or some other activity. He tries to deal with his |
| angry, or emotionally abusive people recognize their | | | | inadequacy about relationships by simply by not |
| behavior, they are likely to blame it on their partners: | | | | trying - no attempt means no failure. |
| "You push my buttons," or, "I might have | | | | Both stonewalling and disengaging tactics can make |
| overreacted, but I'm human, and look what you did!" | | | | you feel:o Unseen and unheardo Unattractiveo Like |
| Angry and abusive partners tend to be anxious by | | | | you don't counto Like a single parent |
| temperament. From the time they were young | | | | What All Forms of Abuse Have in Common |
| children, they've had a consistent sense of dread | | | | Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse result |
| that things will go badly and they will fail to cope. | | | | from failures of compassion; he/she stops caring |
| They try to control their environment to avoid | | | | about how you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of |
| terrible feelings of failure and inadequacy. | | | | marriage; failure of compassion is its heart disease. |
| The strategy of trying to control others fails even if | | | | It would be less hurtful if your partner never cared |
| they are powerful, for the simple reason that the | | | | about how you felt. But when you were falling in |
| primary cause of their anxiety is within them, not in | | | | love, he/she cared a great deal. So now it feels like |
| their environment. It springs from one of two | | | | betrayal when he or she doesn't care or try to |
| sources: a heavy dread of failure or fear of harm, | | | | understand. That's not the person you married. Failure |
| isolation, and deprivation. | | | | of compassion can feel like abuse. |
| The Silent Abuser | | | | Harmful Adaptations to Anger and Abuse: Walking on |
| Not all emotional abuse involves shouting or criticism. | | | | Eggshells |
| More common forms are "disengaging" - the | | | | The most insidious aspect of abuse is not the |
| distracted or preoccupied spouse - or "stonewalling" - | | | | obvious nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, |
| the spouse who refuses to accept anyone else's | | | | criticism or other demeaning behavior. It's the |
| perspective. | | | | adaptations you make to try to prevent those painful |
| While verbal abuse and other forms of emotional | | | | episodes. You walk on eggshells to keep the peace |
| abuse can be roughly equal between men and | | | | or a semblance of connection. |
| women, stonewallers are almost exclusively male. | | | | Women are especially vulnerable to the negative |
| Biology and social conditioning make it is easier for | | | | effects of walking on eggshells due to their greater |
| men to turn off emotions. The corpus callosum - the | | | | vulnerability to anxiety. Many brave women engage in |
| part of the brain that connects its two hemispheres | | | | constant self-editing and self-criticism to keep from |
| is smaller in men, making it easier for them to shut | | | | "pushing his buttons." Emotionally abused women can |
| out information from the emotionally-oriented right | | | | second guess themselves so much that they feel as |
| hemisphere. On top of that slight biological difference, | | | | though they have lost themselves in a deep hole. |
| social conditioning promotes the analytical, | | | | Recovery from walking on eggshells requires |
| unemotional male on the one hand or the strong | | | | removing focus from repair of your relationship and |
| silent type on the other. | | | | your partner and placing it squarely on your personal |
| The partner who stonewalls may not overtly put you | | | | healing. The good news is that the most powerful |
| down. Nevertheless, he punishes you for disagreeing | | | | form of healing comes from within you. You can |
| with him by refusing even to think about your | | | | draw on your great inner resources by reintegrating |
| perspective. If he listens at all, he does so | | | | your deepest values into your everyday sense of |
| dismissively or impatiently. | | | | self. This will make you feel more valuable, confident, |
| The disengaging husband says, "Do whatever you | | | | and powerful, regardless of what your partner does. |
| want, just leave me alone." He is often a workaholic, | | | | |