| It's not breaking the eggs that does the lasting harm; | | | | To stop walking on eggshells, you must overcome |
| it's the continual walking eggshells. Emotional damage | | | | abusiveness and victim-identity. Your emphasis must |
| has a way of lingering in the times between | | | | be on healing, growth, and empowerment. The true |
| resentful, angry, or abusive flare-ups. The empty, dull | | | | issue at stake is your core value - the most |
| ache of unhappiness is most accurately measured in | | | | important things about you as a person - not his |
| the accumulative effect of these small moments of | | | | behavior or your reaction to it. As you reinforce and |
| disconnection, isolation, and dread. Take the | | | | reconnect with your core value, you are far less likely |
| The following quiz reveals what it feels like to walk | | | | to be a victim. As you experience the enormous |
| on eggshells day after day. Read it aloud - the | | | | depth of your core value, the last thing you will want |
| objectivity in hearing your own voice say the words - | | | | to do is identify with being a victim, i.e. with "damage" |
| especially your answers -is the first step toward | | | | or with bad things that have happened to you. In |
| healing. | | | | your core value you will identify with your inherent |
| If you live with a resentful, angry, or abusive partner, | | | | strengths, talents, skills, and power as a unique, |
| you probably have a vague feeling, at least now and | | | | ever-growing, competent, and compassionate person. |
| then, that you have lost yourself. In your constant | | | | You want to outgrow walking on eggshells, not |
| efforts to tiptoe around someone else's moods in | | | | simply survive it, and you do that only by realizing |
| the hope of avoiding blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, | | | | your fullest value as a person. |
| sighs of disapproval, or cold shoulders, you constantly | | | | You Both Walk on Eggshells |
| edit what you say. You second-guess your own | | | | If you feel that you are walking on eggshells, you |
| judgment, your own ideas, and your own | | | | probably do not realize that your partner is, too, |
| preferences about how to live. You begin to question | | | | though in a different way. He is so reactive to you |
| what you think is right and wrong. Ultimately, your | | | | and so unable to regulate his reactions that he |
| perceptions of reality and your very sense of self | | | | constantly expects you to say or do something that |
| change for the worse. | | | | will "push his buttons" and "make" him withdraw or |
| The cold fact is that it's hard not to lose yourself in | | | | attack. He feels that you are totally in control of his |
| the morass of what you should say or what you | | | | emotions, and all he can do is pout or shout like a |
| need to do (to keep things peaceful) and how you're | | | | defiant child. He feels that you control him. |
| supposed to be at any given moment. If you have | | | | The Pendulum of Pain |
| to be one thing one minute and behave a different | | | | Please do not make the mistake of thinking that you |
| way in another (depending on your partner's moods), | | | | can heal yourself simply by getting in touch with your |
| your confidence and sense of self can seem to | | | | understandable resentment and anger and leaving |
| disappear. You begin to feel that you cannot reclaim | | | | your relationship. Most of the women who leave (or |
| yourself or begin to feel better until he changes and | | | | nearly leave) out of resentment and anger end up |
| starts treating you better. | | | | returning out of guilt, shame, and anxiety, when they |
| The understandable but tragic expectation that you | | | | see how lost their husbands seem without them. |
| are dependent on him for your emotional well being is | | | | They enjoy a brief honeymoon period following the |
| the first thing you must change. You must heal and | | | | reunion, until the tension returns and the resentment |
| grow, whether or not he changes. Although our | | | | and anger get overwhelming. So they leave again (or |
| inborn sense of fairness and justice tells you that he | | | | withdraw emotionally from their husbands), only to |
| ought to be the one to make changes, your pain tells | | | | face renewed guilt, shame, and abandonment |
| you that you need to become the fully alive person | | | | anxiety, once the resentment and anger subside. |
| you are meant to be. This means that you have to | | | | Sometimes economic considerations drive women to |
| remove the focus from him and put it squarely on | | | | return to these relationships, but they are not the |
| you. Happily, that is also the best thing you can do | | | | most compelling factor. Research shows that women |
| the help him and your relationship. This book will help | | | | with means return to walking-on-eggshells |
| you reclaim your true sense of self. That is its | | | | relationships as often as women who are financially |
| primary goal. But it will also help change your | | | | dependent. My own mother, like many of my clients, |
| relationship. | | | | was the sole support of our family, yet she returned |
| All the tools you need to heal are in these pages. All | | | | to my unemployed, resentful, angry, and abusive |
| the tools that he needs to replace resentment, | | | | father 13 times in my first 11 years of life. |
| anger, or abusive behavior with compassion are also | | | | This pattern of leaving (or nearly leaving) out of |
| in these pages. The first part of the book is about | | | | anger and resentment, only to return out of guilt, |
| reintegrating your deepest values into your everyday | | | | shame, and anxiety is a hallmark of walking on |
| sense of self. This will make you feel more valuable, | | | | eggshells. I call it a pendulum of pain. It has nothing to |
| confident, and powerful, regardless of what your | | | | do with your "indecisiveness" or your personality. It |
| partner -- or anyone else -- says or does. As you | | | | follows from the strengths of your emotions, from |
| read these pages and reconnect to your deepest | | | | your attachment to your husband, which we'll explore |
| values, you will naturally, forcefully, and | | | | more in the next chapter. Resentment and anger at |
| compassionately demand value and respect from | | | | loved ones always resolve into guilt, shame, and |
| your partner. Your compassionate demand for | | | | abandonment anxiety. These painful, completely |
| change is likely to be the only thing that will motivate | | | | irrational emotions keep you attached to your |
| him to once again be the man you married. But | | | | husband no matter how bad the relationship is - |
| whether or not he changes, you must connect with | | | | these emotions developed in our brains at a time |
| your enormous inner value, resources, and personal | | | | when to leave the tribe meant certain death on your |
| power to stop walking on eggshells and to emerge | | | | own, by starvation or saber tooth tiger. |
| as the richly creative, beautiful whole person you | | | | As long as you love someone, the only way to keep |
| truly are. | | | | resentment and anger from turning to guilt, shame, |
| The Worst Things | | | | and anxiety is to stay resentful and angry all the |
| One of the worst things that can happen to your | | | | time. It might be safer if you did stay resentful and |
| health and happiness is to live with a resentful, angry, | | | | angry all the time, but that is probably not your |
| or abusive partner. The worst thing you can do to | | | | nature. When your resentment subsides and your |
| your soul is become a resentful, angry, or abusive | | | | anger is exhausted, the pain of seeing someone you |
| partner. And the worst thing you can develop in a | | | | love in distress can become overwhelming and make |
| love relationship is an identity as a victim, which | | | | you return to your now-remorseful, if not helpless, |
| destroys your personal power and solid sense of self. | | | | partner. However, if he does not learn to regulate his |
| The cry I hear over and over again from women | | | | resentment, anger, or abusive behavior with |
| who walk on eggshells is, "I don't like the resentful, | | | | compassion for himself and for you, the pendulum will |
| angry person he's made me." | | | | swing back and forth, again and again. |