| Battered mothers tell me about the rage they harbor | | | | use of the system to batter them has more to do |
| over their perpetrators use of the system to batter | | | | with their misplaced feelings over unfulfilled |
| them. And when I ask if it is anything like what was | | | | expectations regarding the system. |
| felt when beaten verbally, emotionally or physically, | | | | These women come to the system already beaten |
| they usually say, "no." "It's not at all like that," they | | | | up. And they expect the system to pick them up, |
| claim. | | | | wrap them in a warm blanket and keep them safe |
| In fact, they tell me that anger is not what is felt. It | | | | from their abusers. |
| is fear...violation...and severe emotional pain. I believe | | | | But, the fact is that family court is not designed to |
| this is exactly what would be expected in the | | | | perform in this fashion. The goal of divorce court is |
| moment of an altercation when you are a victim of | | | | not to protect the victim; it's to separate people and |
| domestic violence. | | | | property. And because it gives people the right to |
| Using the System Is No Different Than Using the Fist | | | | fight over their property, it gives people the right to |
| When awaiting trial or preparing for it, many of the | | | | continue fighting. |
| same feelings of intense fear emerge. The victim | | | | Children, in case you are wondering, fall under the |
| knows that the emotional abuse in divorce is no | | | | rubric of property...at least in family court. So don't be |
| different than the use of his fist or his verbal licks at | | | | surprised when your perpetrator exudes a sense of |
| home. It's merely a weapon of assault used to batter | | | | entitlement to fight over the children. |
| and control them. | | | | Turing Your Rage Toward Serving You |
| I have even heard battered mothers tell me about | | | | How then can battered mothers best prosper as |
| the security they feel in knowing that their | | | | they navigate the family court system? This is a |
| perpetrators are consumed by abusing them through | | | | question that challenges those entangled in the |
| the courts. They say that knowing this alleviates their | | | | system, because the belief is that "you're just in a |
| concerns of his resorting to more primitive means of | | | | system." The implication being: hold your breath, wait |
| assault. "At least I don't have to worry about him | | | | until it's over and hope for the best. |
| coming after me or having me killed if he's abusing | | | | However, if you turn that rage into productive |
| me through the court." | | | | energy, you can sail through the system and come |
| This recognition reveals to me that on a very deep | | | | out the other end whole and with your rights and |
| level they realize that the court is merely another | | | | liberties intact. Your challenge is how! Let that be |
| weapon of attack...another means toward control. | | | | your primary focus. Discover how to become the |
| Court as Fist Versus Court as Protector | | | | warrior you need to be to accomplish the goals you |
| I believe that the rage concerning their perpetrators | | | | seek in divorce court. |