| Negotiation differs from power struggles in a crucial | | | | request. Ask yourself: |
| way. Negotiation is a request for cooperation, i.e., | | | | - Am I being the partner I want to be? |
| willingly doing something that promotes relationship | | | | - Am I being as loving and compassionate as I want |
| harmony or accomplishes mutual goals. Power | | | | to be in my relationship? |
| struggles, on the other hand, require one person to | | | | - Am I showing appreciation for the cooperative |
| submit to something against his or her better | | | | behavior I'm requesting? |
| judgment. Requests for cooperation may require | | | | Step two |
| persuasion, e.g., "This is why I would like you to do | | | | Consider your partner's perspective - what your |
| this or why I think it would be best for us." In stark | | | | request means to him or her |
| contrast, power struggles feature entitlement or | | | | Step three |
| coercion. "I have the right to insist that you do this," | | | | Respectfully make the request. |
| or, "You better to do this for me or else." | | | | Example: A couple is applying for a home equity loan. |
| We have a built-in reward for cooperation. It comes | | | | He usually handles finances, but she is worried about |
| from a genetically transmitted trait that remains as | | | | the amount of the loan he wants to make. She asks |
| important to our survival in a complex social structure | | | | for more information. |
| as it was in the daily life-and-death struggles of early | | | | How not to do it: He feels insulted, like she doesn't |
| human history. We also have a built-in distaste for | | | | trust him to handle the business with the bank. He |
| submission, which also comes from a genetically | | | | gives her a patronizing answer about "basic finances." |
| transmitted trait that makes us competitive and | | | | He claims that he can get the loan without her |
| achievement-oriented. In general, we like to | | | | signature, so it doesn't matter what she thinks. |
| cooperate and hate to submit. | | | | Accusing him of trying to hide something, she goes |
| Because the goal of negotiation is to gain | | | | the phone to call the bank loan officer, which causes |
| cooperation, not submission, negotiation is not | | | | a review of their previously approved loan. |
| possible without fundamental rights guaranteed. | | | | How he could have negotiated: "I can tell from your |
| Regardless of how "right" you are or how valid your | | | | questions that I'm not expressing this well. Let me be |
| points may be, you cannot successfully negotiate in | | | | sure that you have all the facts so you can feel |
| an intimate relationship if the following non-negotiable | | | | comfortable signing the loan papers. I want you to |
| rights are not respected: | | | | sign only if you think it's the best thing for us." |
| - Unconditional safety - there can be no attempts to | | | | Step One: In this response he behaves like the |
| harm and no threats to harm, whether implied or | | | | partner he wanted to be, loving, compassionate, and |
| explicit | | | | appreciative of the cooperation he was seeking. |
| - Freedom from boundary violations - unwanted | | | | Step Two: He understood that she was anxious |
| touching, name-calling, attacks on self-value (trying to | | | | about the amount. Reassurance and more facts |
| make the other person feel bad about the self if he | | | | lower anxiety; anger and defensiveness raise it. |
| she doesn't do what you want) | | | | Step Three: He made the request respectfully. |
| - Freedom from coercion - forcing the other to do | | | | How she could have negotiated: "Honey, it's not that |
| something against his or her will. (Coercion can be | | | | I don't trust your judgment. I trust your judgment, |
| subtle, like withdrawal of affection as punishment if | | | | I'm just a little nervous about the amount. I know it |
| your partner or child does not do what you want.) | | | | probably seems like a pain in the neck, and I hate |
| Only with guarantees of safety and freedom from | | | | being nervous, I just need some help with the |
| coercion can negotiation begin. | | | | figures." |
| The Art of Negotiation: Requesting Cooperative | | | | Step One: In this response she behaves like the |
| Behavior | | | | partner she wanted to be, loving, compassionate, and |
| Cooperative behavior is intended to achieve a mutual | | | | appreciative of the cooperation she was seeking. |
| goal. The goal can be: | | | | Step Two: She understood that he was insulted |
| - Specific (clean the room, pay the bill) | | | | because he felt she doubted his judgment. |
| - Relational (share enriching experience like watching a | | | | Reassurance lowers shame, anger and defensiveness |
| sunset together) | | | | increase it. |
| - General (achieve closer connection or family | | | | Step Three: She made the request respectfully. |
| harmony). | | | | Following these simple steps will get you much more |
| Step one | | | | of what you really want: a close, connected |
| Focus on your core values before you make a | | | | relationship, where cooperation flows freely. |