| Many clients who come to therapy suffering from | | | | new relationship because they offer so little |
| feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem are, in the | | | | resistance to their partner, colleague or boss' |
| eyes of others, highly successful and competent in | | | | self-defensive desire to feel blameless. |
| every domain. This is because low self-esteem is | | | | The Shame-Blame cycle |
| rarely about what people can or can't do in practical | | | | In this scenario, the partner who has been |
| situations... but really about feeling inferior in a | | | | conditioned by early experience to accept the blame |
| relational way. | | | | in relationship conflicts may actually dare accuse their |
| Another way of saying this might be that people | | | | partner or colleague of some injustice or unfairness. |
| with low self esteem too easily "doubt themselves." | | | | If their claim strikes a nerve, the partner will feel |
| Low self esteem is "Self-doubt" | | | | ashamed and often the shamed partner will respond |
| Very often this situation has it's original roots in | | | | with rage and counter accusations. The partner's |
| childhood experience where a dominating or | | | | inner dialogue goes something like this: |
| demanding parent has systematically undermined the | | | | - "You have made me feel ashamed of myself and |
| child's confidence. Typically there will have been an | | | | that feels bad. |
| insecure or needy parent who has created a situation | | | | - You have made me feel bad so you are evil. |
| where, to feel accepted or lovable, the dependent | | | | - I should attack you for having caused me pain." |
| child must bend over and over again to the adult | | | | This logic justifies the angry counter-accusations or |
| view of a situation and must hide or suppress their | | | | verbal undermining. The blame-taker will then do what |
| own realistic perception of matters. In most instances | | | | they habitually do... and what their partner knows |
| the adult is not doing it either intentionally or | | | | from previous experience that they will do... accept |
| maliciously. They may even delude themselves into | | | | the blame to keep the peace and stop the escalating |
| believing quite sincerely that they see things correctly | | | | conflict. |
| (as an adult) and that the child is asked to accept | | | | Low self-esteem and blame-taking |
| their view "for their own good". | | | | Most individuals with low self-esteem problems |
| Some problematic parenting styles: | | | | actually have much to be proud of. When low |
| - Highly critical and demanding parents whose | | | | self-esteem has held them back from important |
| demands create feelings of inferiority or | | | | projects and plans it usually has nothing to do with |
| perfectionistic habits in a child | | | | innate ability, talent or possibilities in the environment. |
| - Highly anxious parent who imposes a view that the | | | | More often there has been a "failure to thrive"... or a |
| world is dangerous and untrustworthy. | | | | fear of beginning because they are ringed around by |
| - A parent who is over-invested in household | | | | self-doubt. |
| management and for whom normal childish | | | | In attempting to regain, or perhaps grow for the first |
| imperfection is unacceptable | | | | time, a sense of entitlement and a sense of |
| - Parent or care-giver "who can never be wrong." | | | | self-worth, an important first step is to give back to |
| - The parent who is susceptible to extremes of | | | | others appropriate responsibility for their part in |
| anger or depression and who blames it all on outside | | | | failures and conflicts. |
| forces and makes the child feel responsible. | | | | It takes two to tango... a third point perspective |
| All these parental patterns are likely to undermine a | | | | In order to see a situation more clearly it is usually |
| child and create a sense in the child that they do not | | | | helpful to find a vantage point which is a little bit |
| understand, that their judgment is faulty and that | | | | outside habitual feelings and expectations. |
| their perception is not a reliable guide for their | | | | - The perspective of a neutral (or sympathetic) |
| behavior. | | | | observer such as a therapist or uninvolved friend, can |
| Peace-keeping... | | | | be used to see the situation from a new point of |
| The blame taker will have learned early and well that | | | | view. |
| their best defense is to end an upsetting interaction | | | | - From this privileged vantage point it usually |
| by simply accepting the blame whether or not they | | | | becomes clear how the blame is being inappropriately |
| feel they deserve it. The blame-taking child learns too | | | | distributed and how both individuals are contributing |
| well and too soon that taking the blame is | | | | to the difficulty. |
| "survivable". They build it into their relational repertoire | | | | - It is often helpful to explore the childhood situations |
| as a habitual way of defusing any and every conflict. | | | | that created the habit of blame-taking in the first |
| This comes at a great psychological cost because the | | | | place in order to understand how it developed and |
| only way to make that psychological position | | | | how it was a well-meant defensive response... but |
| acceptable is to start believing that they ARE as | | | | one which is actually harmful for the adult. |
| incompetent, selfish, thoughtless, helpless or | | | | A happy ending? |
| demanding as their accusers claim... and the feelings | | | | The good news is that since low self-esteem rarely |
| of unworthiness and low self-esteem begin to solidify. | | | | has anything to do with actual "worth" or ability, the |
| ...and face saving | | | | emotional and attitudinal correction can and should be |
| Children often understand emotionally, that their | | | | an internal one. This means that an individual can |
| critical and demanding parents are fragile and | | | | make other choices about whether or not to accept |
| vulnerable. They may attempt to protect their | | | | blame and can develop a less self-blaming point of |
| parents by preserving their parents' illusions about | | | | view about how responsibility for relational strains can |
| themselves. When their parents are actually | | | | be fairly distributed. As an individual learns, sometimes |
| defective, weak, corrupt, rejecting, or neglectful, but | | | | with the help and encouragement of psychotherapy, |
| desperately wish to see themselves as strong, | | | | to be more self-compassionate and confident in their |
| superior, loving and caring, children will often feel an | | | | point of view, their feelings of low self-esteem |
| obligation to deny or suppress their realistically critical | | | | resolve and they feel more and more able to move |
| views of their parents. | | | | towards their personally validated goals and take on |
| Roles and Counter-roles | | | | the challenges of their life... because, in the end, you |
| An individual who expects to take the blame because | | | | get self-esteem by being a person you can be proud |
| of childhood experiences, will very quickly find that | | | | of. |
| they become the "garbage can" for blame in every | | | | |