| It is unfathomable to most people that the person | | | | minor incident?o Does he/she characterize domestic |
| they are dating or in love with could possibly harm | | | | violence as an exaggeration or myth? |
| them. More often than not it is friends or family who | | | | These indicators are more than indicators--they are |
| initially see something. They might tell you that | | | | varying degrees of emotional abuse and a precursor |
| something is 'not right' in the relationship. It is | | | | to possible physical abuse. |
| estimated that more than 60% of relationships have | | | | Those who are in an abusive relationship seldom |
| some form of abuse. | | | | consider they are a part of the equation. In other |
| American Institute of Domestic Violence reports:o | | | | words it takes two people to create domestic |
| 85-95% of all domestic violence survivors are | | | | violence. How do you fit the equation? Answer the |
| femaleo Over 50,000 women are stalked by an | | | | following questions.o Do you have low self-esteem? |
| intimate partner each yearo 5.3 million women are | | | | People who abuse others seek out people who they |
| abused each yearo 1,232 women are killed each year | | | | deem are easy to control, manipulate and create |
| by an intimate partnero Domestic violence is the | | | | power-over. Low self-esteem sets the stage.o Did |
| leading cause of injury to womeno Women are more | | | | you come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional |
| likely to be attacked by someone they know rather | | | | home? As noted above being from an abusive or |
| than by a stranger | | | | highly dysfunctional family does not mean you will |
| Who is at risk for domestic violence?o Women ages | | | | attract an abuser, however, the likelihood is |
| 20 to 34 and increasingly, adolescent girlso Women | | | | significantly high. Growing up in an abusive and/or |
| who abuse alcohol or other drugs or whose partners | | | | dysfunctional home fosters the imprint that the highs |
| doo Women who are poor are at greater risk, | | | | and lows of abuse is equated to love--after all the |
| because they seldom have resourceso Battered | | | | people [your parents], who claimed to love you the |
| women increase their risk for murder when they are | | | | most emotionally and physically hurt you. And |
| in the process of escape or are hunted down and | | | | although you didn't like it; you then seek out |
| murdered after leaving. (New York City Department | | | | someone who will give you the same 'kind of |
| of Health) | | | | love'--the kind that hurts--because it feels so good |
| No matter the rate of violence or who initiates the | | | | between the hurting.o Do you believe in traditional, |
| violence, women are 7 to 10 times more likely to be | | | | stereotypical relationship roles?o Do you accept |
| injured in acts of intimate violence than are men. | | | | responsibility for disagreements or arguments--other |
| (Bureau of Justice Statistics). | | | | than your own behavior?o Do you accept |
| There are common indicators of potential physical | | | | responsibility for his/her behavior to keep the |
| abusers. Instead of negating what others tell you and | | | | peace?o Do you walk around on egg shells to keep |
| your thoughts, you need to stop and look at your | | | | the peace?o Do you accept the myths about |
| partner's actions. Answer the following questions | | | | domestic violence?o Do you tell yourself--"I can |
| about your partner and your relationship.o Are you | | | | handle it, its not that bad."o Do you feel guilty if he |
| discouraged or coerced about talking with family, | | | | she becomes enraged or jealous?o Do you allow |
| friends or co-workers?o Is he/she jealous of your | | | | yourself to be controlled because you believe the |
| time, your career, other people in your life?o Does | | | | person would not do it if they didn't love you?o Do |
| your partner insist on going everywhere with you?o | | | | you believe jealousy is proof of love?o Do you |
| Do you have to discuss activity plans, people you will | | | | believe some abuse is par for the course in an |
| be with, and why you are going to do something | | | | intimate relationship? |
| with him/her before you can do them?o Does he/she | | | | These indicators are emotional, but keep in mind that |
| play mind games?o Is he/she jealous of your | | | | emotional abuse precedes physical abuse without fail. |
| success?o Does he/she act negatively to authority | | | | The emotional abuse is simply a warning sign and if |
| figures?o Does he/she believe that the man makes | | | | you heed the warning sign(s) you can protect |
| the decisions?o Does he/she call you names?o Does | | | | yourself by avoiding being in the relationship. If you |
| he/she belittle or talk down to you?o Does he/she | | | | are already in the relationship, because you missed |
| blame you if something goes awry?o Does he/she | | | | the warning signs (there are warning signs without |
| negate your opinion, feelings, ideas, etc?o Does he | | | | fail), you will be able to heed them and get out |
| she get violent when he/she drinks alcohol?o Does he | | | | before they escalate to physical abuse. |
| she come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional | | | | If you answered 'yes' to any of the questions, you |
| home? While not everyone is a potential abuser if | | | | are in a relationship that could progress to physical |
| they come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional | | | | abuse unless there is immediate and effective |
| family, there is reason to consider their long-term | | | | professional intervention. You both need to seek |
| behavior versus their current 'win-you-over' behavior. | | | | separate professional guidance. Accepting that you |
| Signals of an abusive person can be extremely subtle. | | | | play a part in the abuse equation and take |
| Such as: Mini-bursts of anger; Frequent swearing; | | | | responsibility for your part is the first step to |
| Disregard for other's rights; Frequent negativity; Mind | | | | reconciliation--either resolving the issues or parting |
| games; Hostility toward authority; Casting murder and | | | | company. Likewise, the other person needs to |
| or abuse as--she/he deserved it.o Does he/she use | | | | recognize that their behavior is not acceptable and |
| shame and/or guilt to control a situation or get his | | | | you need to accept you will enable him/her to |
| her way?o Does he/she lose his/her temper and | | | | continue to abuse you if you continue to stay in the |
| throw things, hit objects or abuse animals?o Does he | | | | relationship as is. |
| she down-play any act of aggression as being a | | | | |