| Understanding the conditioning that occurs in abusive | | | | I see so many individuals who truly feel they are in |
| relationships is key to one's survival in, and after, the | | | | the "dog house" when they have disobeyed the |
| relationship. Here are three keys to help you see the | | | | wants and wishes of their abusive partner. You can |
| role and effects of conditioning in abusive | | | | almost feel their tail between their legs when they |
| relationships. | | | | talk about it. Pull yourself out of the doghouse. You |
| 1) You did not make him/her do it or say it. | | | | don't deserve to be there. |
| You probably know this from the core of your being, | | | | 3) You deserve to receive all that he/she demands |
| but may have trouble believing it with your thinking | | | | you give to them. |
| brain, due to the ongoing conditioning that happens in | | | | It might not feel like such when you are enmeshed in |
| abusive relationships. With most things in the | | | | an abusive relationship, but it is a fact that your |
| relationship-when the finger is pointed- it usually lands | | | | "deserving-less-ness" is all made up. He/she made it |
| on the person with the less power. | | | | up and so did you. |
| And when that person owns the fault for whatever | | | | And as with the other standards and beliefs among |
| transgression is up for consideration, then rewards | | | | couples in abusive relationships, your |
| are bestowed upon them. This is where and how the | | | | deserving-less-ness is nothing more than another |
| conditioning occurs. Be mindful of it. And always know | | | | "rule" driven home through conditioning. However, it is |
| you can only be responsible for your own thoughts, | | | | a more serious culprit because of its kinship to the |
| feelings and actions; never for someone else's | | | | power/control entitlement issues central to domestic |
| thoughts, feelings or actions. | | | | abuse. |
| 2) You don't deserve to be punished or put in "your" | | | | This may be obvious with your appreciation of the |
| place. | | | | "power and control" issues inherent in abusive |
| This is another way in which conditioning is accepted | | | | relationships. But even people who claim to |
| as the behavioral norm. While it is true that on some | | | | understand this show signs of struggling with their |
| level conditioning occurs in all relationships, "negative | | | | deservingness, their worthiness. |
| reinforcement" conditioning is another story. That's | | | | I find that when people pull themselves out of the |
| what we do with criminals when we jail them. They | | | | doghouse, discovering their worthiness follows. |
| are negatively punished for doing something not | | | | Knowing your worthiness and the boundaries of your |
| acceptable to society at large, or shall I say by the | | | | responsibility to, and for, yourself are important keys |
| standards of law. | | | | to survival in an abusive relationship. |