| Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen | | | | could have been close enduring relationships are no |
| It is well known that divorce is hard. The couple can | | | | longer available. |
| feel anger, sadness, disappointment, and even | | | | I have made wills for people who exclude children of |
| embarrassment. This is so true that it is a cliche. | | | | ex-spouses because they never got to know and |
| What we don't discuss often, and maybe we should, | | | | bond with the child. The child grows up thinking her |
| is the effect that divorce has on extended family. | | | | extended family doesn't care, and the extended |
| The pain caused by the divorce to grandparents, | | | | family learns not to have the child in their lives. Sadly, |
| aunts and uncles is not obvious. It isn't as intense as | | | | the normal bonds are severed, not by any desire or |
| it is for the principle parties, either. However, | | | | action on the child's part, but because the adults in |
| extended family members can be treated to some | | | | charge of his rearing were too short sighted to |
| of the couple's problems when family events turn | | | | recognize that their fights weren't necessarily his. |
| into child possession wars. | | | | There are things relatives can do to keep the child |
| When special occasions arise, arrangements for the | | | | active in the family. For one thing, staying out of the |
| child's attendance often have to be made with an | | | | divorce will help. Unless the child is in danger, there is |
| uncooperative, hostile ex-spouse. Too often, the | | | | little you can say that can help the judge decide child |
| children cannot join the family because: | | | | custody. Since you are related to one of the parties, |
| 1. The noncustodial parent's visitation normally takes | | | | your statements are more likely to seem tainted and |
| place when the family event is scheduled. If you only | | | | colored by your love for the spouse who is related. |
| get to see your kids for 2 weekends a month, you | | | | If you have to testify because you were |
| might not be inclined to give up, or even postpone | | | | subpoenaed, don't demonize the other parent. The |
| your time with them. This is especially true if the | | | | judge won't care that you dislike your soon to be |
| custodial parent is in the habit of making plans with | | | | ex-in-law, but the ex will, and is more likely to |
| the child during the other parent's visitation time, or | | | | influence the child against you if you have been |
| has been less than generous when the other parent | | | | unkind or hostile on the stand. |
| has asked for concessions. | | | | Don't use visits with the child as an opportunity to tell |
| 2. Any good will the other parent had towards the | | | | her what a jerk either of her parents happen to be. |
| family has been used up. It is easier to find it in one's | | | | Even if you are complaining to another adult, chances |
| heart to be generous to someone who has stayed | | | | are that the children will hear what you are saying, |
| neutral during the divorce. If Grandma maintains a | | | | and report it back to the custodial parent. Since the |
| cordial attitude towards the ex-spouse, she will be | | | | custodian is only human, putting him down, or |
| much more likely to cooperate with grandma's | | | | enumerating his faults is only going to convince him |
| requests for the child's time. If, however, Grandma | | | | that you are a bad influence on the child. |
| made it clear that she blames everything that went | | | | Members of extended families do not have visitation |
| wrong on the ex-spouse, and treats him accordingly, | | | | rights. Their contact with the child is totally |
| it is less likely that the ex-spouse will be inclined to go | | | | dependent on their bond with the child's parents. The |
| out of his way to honor a special request from | | | | court will give the non-custodial parent times and |
| gramma. | | | | places to be in the child's life. The custodial parent will |
| When the ex makes the extended family work too | | | | be more inclined to be flexible and generous with the |
| hard for a relationship with the child, they often give | | | | child's time if the person asking has been fair and not |
| up trying. Unfortunately, the child is the one who | | | | been a hostile presence in the divorce proceedings. In |
| suffers because he is denied participation in what | | | | short, the best way to keep a good relationship |
| should be a positive part of his existence. Even when | | | | when your grandchild, niece or nephew's parents are |
| the child is old enough to make his own decisions, the | | | | divorcing is to keep a polite tongue in your head, and |
| chance to form bonds may have passed, and what | | | | stay out of the fight. . |