| Often it is the person closest to the abused individual | | | | 3) Don't assume she won't know how you really feel |
| that becomes vocal about the existence of an | | | | about what she is doing by her being in an abusive |
| abusive relationship. This may be mother, father, | | | | relationship. She can't read your thoughts, but she |
| sister, brother or best friend. What becomes most | | | | can read the emotional counterpart of your thinking. |
| difficult for these bystanders is helping their loved | | | | She's an expert at that. It's one of her survival |
| one acknowledge the abuse as they see it. | | | | mechanisms at home. Further, she will seek to |
| How do you help your daughter, sister or friend | | | | regulate your thoughts-another survival mechanism |
| awaken to their abusive relationship? Over the years | | | | she has perfected. |
| in working with families, I'm aware that their very | | | | 4) Don't focus exclusively on the punch she received |
| efforts to accomplish this mission often backfire and | | | | or some equivalent or greater physical assault. While |
| at best do nothing. | | | | this is extremely important, it is not the point of |
| The following five things are most frequently done | | | | focus from which her most compelling and |
| and are the top five things to actually avoid: | | | | action-inspiring reflection occurs. Rather focus on the |
| 1) Don't tell her that she MUST leave the abusive | | | | subtle. |
| partner, as this can ignite a parent-child power | | | | 5) Don't confront her partner while he has access to |
| struggle (unless her life is in eminent, immediate | | | | your daughter.Any cavalier efforts on your part may |
| danger). Rather guide her to tell herself that leaving is | | | | indeed inflame matters in your absence. |
| a must when there is domestic violence in one's | | | | Confrontations like this more often that not result in |
| relationship. Trust that she is in the best position to | | | | an escalation in intimate partner violence. |
| know if and when to leave the relationship. | | | | If you need help assisting your daughter, or sister, in |
| 2) Don't tell her that you know she has the "right" | | | | awakening to the circumstances of domestic abuse |
| answers. The abused person is conditioned to believe | | | | as you perceive or suspect, seek professional |
| they have no answers and if they stumbled upon | | | | guidance before attempting any of the methods |
| one, it's probably not correct anyway. Instead, help | | | | described above. This will insure your moving things in |
| her find her own answers. Help her hear her own | | | | the direction you believe to be in the interest of your |
| inner voice. | | | | loved one. |