| Every relationship has its own unspoken "rules" by | | | | themselves a superficial sense of security. They may |
| which both people fulfill particular roles in relation to | | | | control who you are "allowed" to be friends with |
| one another. In the best relationships these rules just | | | | because they want to limit the chances of you |
| naturally develop and both people feel comfortable | | | | meeting someone better and leaving them. |
| and happy with the security and predictability of the | | | | In more extreme cases an insecure partner may try |
| relationship. In the worst of relationships there is a | | | | to control when you leave your home or how late |
| struggle for control or one person wants to stifle and | | | | you stay out at night. This is crossing a boundary as |
| control the other person's free will. This can happen in | | | | you should have the freedom to make your own |
| a relationship before marriage, during marriage, or in a | | | | decisions, pick your own friends, and live your own |
| second or third relationship after divorce. | | | | life even when in a relationship. |
| What everyone in a relationship needs to understand | | | | Inability to Trust |
| is that control does not equal love. If a partner | | | | As a result of feeling insecure themselves, some |
| demands to know who you are talking with on the | | | | people have a lot of trouble trusting others, so they |
| phone, where you are going whenever you leave | | | | may always feel suspicious of what you are doing, |
| your home, or insists that you not be friends with | | | | where you are going, or who you are talking to. |
| people they don't approve of, these are not signs | | | | They may also struggle with sharing personal |
| that they just love you so much they want to keep | | | | information about themselves and may feel you are |
| you safe and protected. These are signs of | | | | asking questions with a pointed finger at times. It can |
| controlling behavior that could be dangerous in the | | | | be very difficult to get to know someone on a deep |
| future. | | | | level if they aren't trusting. |
| When you talk with abused women many of them | | | | Controlling behavior in this case comes in the form of |
| report controlling behavior in the beginning of the | | | | "checking up" on you or maybe trying to control your |
| relationship. Chances are the relationship would have | | | | behaviors and movements so they can keep tabs on |
| gone nowhere and they would have been spared | | | | you. |
| years of abuse if they had just stood up for | | | | Early Signs of Control |
| themselves back then and not allowed themselves to | | | | Controlling partners can be dangerous in the future, |
| be controlled. This is a lesson for everyone! If you | | | | so it is best to pick up on signs of this behavior early |
| are divorced and are getting back into the dating | | | | on. You may notice a few subtle signs: |
| scene, you need to be aware of this important issue. | | | | * Aggressive questioning about where you are going |
| No one deserves to be controlled and there is always | | | | or what you do. |
| an underlying issue that causes the controlling | | | | * Suspicion toward or dislike of your friends. |
| behavior. The biggest issue is their own insecurity - | | | | * Wanting to dominate your time and be alone with |
| that is, feeling insecure in themselves. This results in | | | | you all the time. |
| an inability to trust. | | | | * Anger or belittling talk if you don't always agree |
| Insecurity | | | | with them. |
| Someone with low self esteem or perhaps an | | | | A lot of early controlling behavior will be right on the |
| extreme fear of being abandoned or cheated on | | | | line of unacceptable behavior. If you do not assert |
| may feel very insecure. That insecurity can come out | | | | yourself and refuse to be controlled, the behavior will |
| as controlling behavior as they try to give | | | | cross that line as the relationship moves forward. |