| This week a couple of women have asked me: "Is | | | | whatever visions you once held for yourself. |
| there any point in trying to move on, when I am still | | | | But does that have to stop you taking one step |
| stuck in the relationship?" | | | | forward and then another, and another? |
| It's not hard to understand where they are coming | | | | When you do so, you will start to find your way |
| from. When a relationship has left you feeling utterly | | | | through that smokescreen of negativity. You will |
| drained and powerless, just dragging yourself through | | | | start to see some of what lies ahead for you. |
| your 'normal' day can be hard enough. | | | | Certainly, the process is scary. Because he has done |
| So how can you possibly hope to find the strength | | | | his work well so that you continue to hear the old |
| to take on all the challenges that ending the | | | | destructive soundtrack still running through your head. |
| relationship will bring? How will you face up to the | | | | You can't drown it out. It's one of the things that |
| enormous concerns you have on all possible fronts? | | | | most women try and fail. Nobody has ever told them |
| I remember that time in my life well. I remember the | | | | that it's a counter-productive measure. Challenging his |
| questions I asked myself obsessively about a future | | | | rubbishing of you only keeps it in the forefront of |
| without him. There were no good answers, only a | | | | your mind. |
| paralysing fear, and the corrosive hope that maybe, | | | | So you can't drown it out. But you can replace it. You |
| just maybe, it could still work out... | | | | replace it when you start to create your own |
| That whole cycle is as destructive as it is normal - | | | | soundtrack that describes you the way you truly are |
| under the circumstances. It is the abused woman's | | | | and truly can be. Even if you don't feel like that |
| equivalent of pedalling frantically on a hamster wheel | | | | person at all right now. |
| and ending up exactly where you started, only | | | | You know you were once a pretty good human |
| increasingly tired and worn. Hamsters may thrive on | | | | being with a lot to recommend you. Well, that never |
| that kind of workout; human beings do not. | | | | dies. His words may submerge it, but they can't |
| All verbal and emotional abuse is brainwashing. And | | | | destroy it. That person is still there, albeit dormant. |
| you cannot overcome that brainwashing without | | | | Changing your soundtrack will bring her back to life. |
| recognising it for what it is. | | | | Can you do that when you don't believe it? Yes, you |
| All abusers 'reprogram' their victims. By dint of | | | | can. Did you believe all the negative things he said |
| constant repetition, they make their partners feel | | | | about you the first time he said them? Did you even |
| stupid, ugly, fat, powerless, unlovable, pathetic. Even | | | | believe that he meant them? Or did he drum them |
| if friends and family are telling them a different story, | | | | into your mind by saying them again and again and |
| the abuser's words are powerful enough to put them | | | | again? |
| into a negative 'trance', so that all they register is | | | | You will believe almost anything you tell yourself |
| negatives. | | | | often enough, whenever you start. So why not start |
| So how and when do you break out? | | | | sooner, rather than later? |
| Thinking about breaking out is actually the first | | | | Your recovery starts the moment you make that |
| tentative step. Many women stop there, or | | | | choice, whatever the external circumstances. Your |
| backtrack, because they can't see where they are | | | | thinking, more than anything else gives you the |
| going. That's to be expected when you've been | | | | power to change your circumstances, get out of |
| brainwashed; it's perfectly normal. | | | | that relationship and rebuild your life. |
| Yet, the thought persists that there can be, must be, | | | | My ebook "The Woman You Want To Be" gives you |
| something better out there for you - which there | | | | the words and the structure to support that choice |
| undoubtedly is. | | | | and keep you moving forward, step by step, along |
| Do you really have to see it, before you can pursue | | | | the path of recovery. |
| it? Because that is the Catch 22. Your abusive | | | | There can be no better time to embark on your |
| partner has erected a smokescreen of negativity in | | | | recovery than right now. |
| front of your eyes so that have lost sight of | | | | |