| Louis tries to avoid his 80-year-old lawyer father who | | | | Dealing with verbal abuse requires that you |
| lives eight miles from his own practice. Whenever he | | | | 1. Recognize hostile language, tone, inflection, |
| musters the courage to go see him, he finds himself | | | | presentation, and abusive behaviors |
| immediately on the defensive. It is like tiptoeing | | | | 2. Do not respond in kind because it reinforces the |
| around a minefield, knowing that one false step | | | | abuser's need to control you |
| means a harmful explosion. | | | | 3. Respond in a neutral fashion, using words that are |
| As soon as Louis opens his mouth, his father finds | | | | understandable and do not inflame, demean, or insult |
| something wrong with him-his appearance, what he | | | | 4. Do not use you-messages which create |
| says, how he says it, what he has or has not done. | | | | defensiveness ("You did that!") |
| His father discounts Louis's pro bono work and | | | | 5. Remember it is not only what you say but how |
| complains that the 42-inch screen TV Louis brought | | | | you say it so you want to be calm yet assertive |
| does not meet his standards. | | | | 6. Tell the abuser how what is being said sounds to |
| His father scrutinizes, judges, and criticizes Louis's | | | | you and how you feel about it, using only |
| every phrase by his words, tone, or inflection. Louis | | | | I-messages, because how you see things and feel |
| always feels like a hapless defense witness being | | | | about them is valid irrespective of the situation |
| hung out to dry by an avenging prosecutor. | | | | 7. Know that the abuser will always deny or excuse |
| Consequently, Louis feels lost and unable to change | | | | the abuse |
| anything for the better. | | | | 8. Do not placate the abuser because it reinforces |
| This abusive behavior is not restricted to parents or | | | | the abuse |
| the elderly. Anyone in a position of perceived | | | | 9. Do not try to model the behavior you want |
| relationship power is capable of inflicting verbal abuse. | | | | because the abuser will likely perceive it as weakness |
| This is particularly insidious because verbal abusers | | | | 10. When the abuser does something right, find a |
| may not even recognize this as abuse. They may | | | | way to reward that behavior. |
| think they are entitled because of position or | | | | Whatever the context, at work or in intimate |
| authority to say whatever, and are, in fact, "helping | | | | relationships, it is important to know that reducing |
| you" by pointing out your failures. Therefore, there is | | | | another's verbal abuse is difficult but it must be |
| no maliciousness intended. | | | | addressed immediately because it will only worsen |
| Because the abuse is felt, it is difficult to | | | | over time. Your last resort may be to either |
| demonstrate. The abuser can deny it with, "You're | | | | psychologically distance yourself from the situation or |
| too sensitive," "You're overreacting," or "You can't | | | | physically leave it. |
| take a joke." Addressing verbal abuse seems like a | | | | Know that you take back control from the abuser |
| catch-22 where you are being subtly dismissed, | | | | because you are not "being too sensitive" and have |
| discounted, undermined, or belittled no matter what. | | | | the right not to be verbally abused. |