Beginning of a Relationship

When is the beginning of a relationship?At some point romantic love changes or even ends,
Well, Helen Fisher, Ph.D., has studied and writtenand the participants return to a more normal brain
about romantic relationships for a long time, and herchemistry, and have to decide about dirty laundry
model brings some clarity to a process that is highlyand dishes and mortgages or starting all over again
emotional for those of us in the throes of beginningwith someone else.
of relationship.And this may be the true beginning of relationship,
If your brain happens to be of the male persuasion,where a couple trades the dopamine fire works for
beginning or relationship is very definitely linked tothe slow moving seemingly placid but always changing
your vision. You begin the mating dance chemically,slow river of satisfaction.
inside your brain, when a stream photons areThis particular part of the relationship takes attention
processed in the visual cortex, and you formulate anthough, and Professor Fisher offers us an interesting
interpretation of that image somewhere over nearmodel for making sure that the transition here is
another part of your brain called Broca's area thatsmooth.
has words in it like, "She looks pretty."Based on her research, she says that we humans fall
At that second the chemistry in your brain changes,into four personality types, each governed by a
and the chemistry in your body follows suit, all withindifferent hormone or neurotransmitter, and our
perhaps 1/18th second.transition from romantic love to mature love is made
Fisher says that change inside us guys (the processmore possible if we begin with a compatible mate
for a brain of the female persuasion is a bit different)chemistry wise.
involves the activation of three parts of the rewardIn order to do discover your personality type, you
system, the lust part, the trust part, and thetake a quiz at the Chemistry site, and if you want to
romance or being in love part, and we can activatemeet a series of compatible chemical types, you join
those parts very rapidly, perhaps four times as fastup at Chemistry.
as I can blink my eyes.There are a couple of other researchers whose work
I would argue that we could say relationship hasI believe to be very good for this building intimacy
begun right then, and very much so if there is aand a deep rich love stage of relationship.
courting behavior following the change in brainThey are John Gottman, Ph.D. and Robert Epstein,
chemistry.Ph.D.
However, this particular relationship may be veryI first came across Dr. Gottman's work when I
short lived if the courting behavior is not respondedlooked at the book he wrote with Neil Jacobson,
to or is rejected.Ph.D. about domestic violence. I have been a
Fisher goes on to talk about how folks size updomestic violence psychoeducator in Illinois for awhile,
potential mates in one second in terms of looks, andand have seen the results of power and control
then move the remainder of the check list, which willrelationships for children, so when a friend in the
include voice.business recommended his workshop The Art and
From Professor Fisher;Science of Love, I took a look at it, and found some
"Once again, you respond in seconds. Womengreat ideas to show my court ordered perpatrators,
typically regard rapid talkers as more educated andwho are mostly male.
men with full, deep voices as better-looking thanDr. Gottman has put together a list of exercises and
they are. Next: his words. We like people who usevideos for couples to do together, and the sense I
the same kinds of words we use. We are also drawnget of his work, especially as it is expressed in his
to those who have a similar degree of intelligence,ideas about how to negotiate a gridlocked problem is
share our religious and social values, and come fromthat couple are going to need to utilize the skills
the same economic background--and we quicklyoften. In other words, intimacy doesn't arrive with a
determine these attributes from a man's words (notpotion or magic wand, and the Fairy Godmother does
to mention how he dresses and wears his hair,not bring "happy-ever-after"
whether he's carrying a briefcase or a soccer ball, andIntimacy is earned with practice.
if he's sporting a gold watch or a tattoo)."Another expert whose recent work has intrigued me
That process can take all of three minutes, sois Robert Epstein, Ph.D., who wonders what those
beginning of relationship can happen fast.couples in India do that makes arranged marriages
However not all romantic or loving relationships beginsuch a success, when our Disney based model of
based on just brain chemistry. Many long lastingPrince Charming and Cinderella fails 50% of the time.
relationships can grow out of a friendship or workHe says, like Gottman, that those couples work on
relationship, for example.intimacy,doing exercises like soul gazing and heart
No matter how or when relationships begin, when werate synchronization regularly.
make the words in our brains that sound like, "I loveSo it would appear that relationships can begin with a
you," brains and lives change.burst of dopamine in the brains of humans, and as
But that beginning of relationship chemistry is onlytime passes, and the dopamine wanes, then
designed to keep us together for enough time tobeginnings can be daily, with each choice to
get progeny begun, and survival of the child ensured.appreciate your partner.