| Personal responsibility is often a difficult issue for | | | | starting to own my response-ability. Instead of telling |
| women who have been physically and emotionally ill | | | | myself that my past experience conditions and limits |
| treated by their partner. | | | | my present and my future, I can choose to respond, |
| It goes without saying that they are never | | | | or react to it. I can select my future course." |
| responsible for their partner's treatment of them. | | | | It is very easy, when you have been, repeatedly, |
| They will, very likely, have expended a lot of time | | | | physically and emotionally mauled to lose sight of the |
| and energy in vain efforts to persuade their partner | | | | person you truly are, together with your worth. |
| of all the things they are not to blame for. These | | | | When that happens, you become your feelings. It is |
| could range from his problems at work, to their | | | | as though feelings become the last refuge. What |
| alleged indifference to or neglect of his needs, | | | | they actually are is a straightjacket. |
| demands and wishes, to the dog barking, to a lack of | | | | In his important book "The Sedona Method" Hale |
| toilet paper within easy reach when required, and all | | | | Dwoskin observes: |
| manner of other things in between. | | | | 'We hold on to our feelings and forget that we are |
| Responsibility has become confused with blame. | | | | holding on to them... When we feel angry of sad, we |
| (Sometimes, people who are blessedly ignorant of | | | | don't usually say, "I feel angry," or, "I feel sad." We |
| the reality of abusive relationships will argue that | | | | say, "I am angry", or, "I am sad." Without realizing it |
| what befalls the woman is her fault. It is an argument | | | | we are misidentifying that we are the feeling. Often |
| that they use to put a distance between themselves | | | | we believe a feeling is holding on to us. This is not |
| and something they find frightening. They can then | | | | true... we are always in control and just don't know it. |
| reassure themselves that nasty things don't happen | | | | '... even your deepest feelings are just on the surface. |
| in their world. | | | | At the core you are empty, silent, and at peace, not |
| In fact, they have missed the principle. As with rape, | | | | in the pain and darkness that most of us would |
| even if a woman dresses and behaves in a | | | | assume. In fact, even our most extreme feelings |
| provocative - or provoking - way, that does not | | | | have only as much substance as a soap bubble.' |
| justify any kind of assault on her. Ever. | | | | Feelings are incredibly powerful and persuasive for as |
| Generally, abused women end up behaving in specific | | | | long as you are stuck inside them. The soap bubbles |
| ways because they have been subjected to endless | | | | of feelings have iridescent walls that blur your vision |
| attacks and accusations. And, ultimately, any woman | | | | of the outside world and endlessly reflect back to |
| can be open to abuse when they become vulnerable | | | | you, your own isolated, trapped image. |
| at certain difficult junctures in their life.) | | | | Personal response-ability allows you to poke your |
| Still, blame and responsibility are, essentially, quite | | | | finger into the soap bubble of feelings and burst it. |
| different things. Responsibility has sometimes been | | | | Do that and you'll be free to reclaim your place, your |
| defined as "response-ability". | | | | stature and your role in the world beyond the soap |
| My point, when I wrote that I was starting to take | | | | bubble. |
| responsibility for myself, was that I was saying: "I am | | | | |