| What is the difference between "being abusive" and | | | | Many people know this cluster of symptoms, but fail |
| "being an abuser?" I hear this question by people | | | | to recognize how they actually manifest in their lives. |
| trying to determine if they are entangled in intimate | | | | I have found in working with people over the years |
| partner violence, even when they don't know this | | | | that when I bring attention to the subtle relationship |
| term. What they want to know is: Am I in a | | | | interaction patterns in their daily lives, the light goes |
| dangerously abusive relationship? | | | | off for them in a way far more compelling than their |
| I think being abusive is a rather general way of | | | | simply trying to match the primary characteristics |
| describing behavior that violates you as a person; | | | | defining intimate partner violence to their relationship. |
| your rights, your space, your choices, yourself. It can | | | | Further and equally valuable is the fact that people |
| come out of frustration, stress, lowered inhibitions, | | | | can discover if their relationship fulfills the criteria for |
| insecurity, fear, vulnerability, or any combination of | | | | intimate partner violence and if it does not. Often |
| the above. | | | | people will say they are dealing with an abuser, when |
| What is an Abuser? | | | | the fact is their partner is abusive at times but |
| Being an abuser on the other hand, in the classical | | | | doesn't actually fulfill the criteria for an intimate |
| sense, refers to a person that fulfills a specific criteria. | | | | partner abuser. |
| And when engaged in an intimate relationship with | | | | The Value of Knowing Your Truth about Intimate |
| this person, a specific criteria of defining | | | | Partner Abuse |
| characteristics exist which are intimate partner | | | | Knowing this distinction can set you on a more |
| violence. | | | | productive road to remedying your relationship |
| The criteria for intimate partner violence as it's | | | | conflict. Without this understanding, you could be |
| defined by the literate consists of: possessiveness, | | | | pursuing interventions inappropriate to your |
| controlling behavior, lack of empathy, externalization | | | | circumstances and even worse potentially hazardous |
| of blame, isolation of victimized partner, and the use | | | | to your safety. |
| of battering to create and maintain a relationship of | | | | If you are asking the question, "Am I in a |
| unequal power. | | | | dangerously abusive relationship?" then you deserve |
| How to Know if Intimate Partner Violence Is, or Is | | | | to have the answer...if not for yourself for the |
| Not, in Your Relationship | | | | children that may be a twinkle in your eye today. |