| "When I tell you 'no,' you wear me down until I tell | | | | While it does make for immediate peace, eventually |
| you 'yes.' And then I wonder what I'm doing with | | | | the decision dynamics of abusive relationships |
| you, because deep down inside I know I'm not | | | | become solidified. Suddenly, it is clear that there is |
| happy." Sound familiar? | | | | one person voting on options that mutually affect |
| Domestic violence survivors tell me that they | | | | each party. This unilateral decision dynamic becomes |
| frequently have no say in couple's decisions. Instead, | | | | the foundation by which all choices within the |
| they have a routine charade of "getting her consent" | | | | relationship are made. |
| when the fact is what she really does is give up on | | | | Breaking the Cycle and Casting Your Vote |
| holding her own. | | | | How dare me to even suggest that you can wake |
| One-Way Decisions in Abusive Relationships | | | | up one day and cast your vote. Right? I'm certain |
| The push-pull becomes so unpleasant that pursuing | | | | that if you have been in an abusive relationship, you |
| her wishes costs more in turmoil than not having her | | | | have forgotten how to vote, much less what you'd |
| wishes fulfilled in the first place. She becomes | | | | vote for anyway. |
| practiced in the path of least resistance. | | | | This unilateral decision-making relationship pattern can |
| It is not even about compromising. It's more about | | | | only be broken by addressing the dynamics from |
| keeping his battering or whining at bay. And then one | | | | two ends-her part and his part. It is critical that both |
| day she wakes up and realizes that she no longer | | | | parties engage in a process to successfully over-haul |
| knows what she wants. She has grown to push it | | | | these ingrained abusive dynamics. |
| away...to shield herself from wanting in the first place. | | | | Can it be done? Yes...if, and only if, both individuals |
| It is the way she copes with realizing that if she | | | | care more about the union of their relationship than |
| doesn't buy into his wishes, then "all hell will break | | | | getting the other person to embrace their |
| out." So, she becomes preoccupied in her efforts to | | | | perspective or keeping peace dysfunctionally. |
| appease him so as to avoid the conflict. | | | | If you are in an abusive relationship characterized by |
| Decision Dynamics in Abusive Relationships | | | | this unilateral decision process, then you will want to |
| What she has been conditioned to do, over time, is | | | | know about the dynamics of abusive relationships |
| to make compromises to keep a lid on her partner. | | | | and how to break the insidious cycle of intimate |
| Her flexibility and willingness to compromise are not in | | | | partner abuse. You will amaze yourself at how you |
| the interest of the relationship. To the contrary, | | | | feel as you begin to live your life from your shoes, |
| giving in as she does is actually detrimental to any | | | | as well as from his. |
| relationship in the long run. | | | | |