| "When you pressure me, you lose me. And instead | | | | with respect to this household activity that she has |
| you get yourself and the illusion that you won me | | | | done for decades. And she objects, letting him know |
| over." Looks like a familiar abusive relationship sign, | | | | that she prefers to take care of the chore on her |
| correct? | | | | own. |
| People in abusive relationships spend an inordinate | | | | If it becomes clear to him that her efforts to hold |
| amount of time in a tug-of-war dance. He is insisting | | | | her own are indicative of this choice being important |
| on her seeing, doing or being life as he wants, and | | | | to her, then the door opens for things to play out |
| she struggles within herself to hold her own or cave | | | | differently. In addition, he would need to find in |
| in. | | | | himself some benefit to honoring that which is |
| Each round of this little dance brings her farther from | | | | important to her. It may simply be because she is |
| herself and him farther from her, as well. And the real | | | | important to him. |
| net effect, over time, is that she steps back | | | | Now I suppose you could ask why go her way over |
| bit-by-bit until the day comes when she may be | | | | his way. Good question...though the answer is less |
| there in space and time, but has left in every other | | | | important relative to the lesson. |
| way. | | | | It's NOT between You and Them Anyway |
| Winning in Abusive Relationships | | | | Mother Teresa said, "In the final analysis, it is |
| It's as though he must win. His urge to get his way is | | | | between you and God. It was never between you |
| more important than what he wins through any | | | | and them anyway." |
| individual conquest. For example, let's say we have a | | | | So what's God have to do with this interaction that |
| couple in which she wishes to do a family chore in | | | | the couple in our example are having? It has |
| her way. This routine task may be as small as taking | | | | everything to do with it on the inside, and not much |
| inventory of household items for maintenance. | | | | on the outside. |
| Now it has always been her job to perform this | | | | When you concede because you are honoring the |
| mundane job, but for some reason it becomes | | | | other person rather than lying down in the path of |
| important for him to take over. So, he steps in and | | | | the bull, you remain connected to your respect for |
| takes over. She knows when she requests that he | | | | them. And when they yield to you in appreciation for |
| let her do this task as she is accustomed that he will | | | | their honoring you, they too remain connected to |
| hold tighter and tighter to his insisting on her letting | | | | their respect for you (and their relationship with you). |
| him take charge. | | | | In both, there is an alignment with the divinity within |
| At no time does she nor he voice their innermost | | | | each person respectively. |
| attachment to the "activity" (in question) being their | | | | Can This Respect Be Learned? |
| way. All we see and all they know is the other is | | | | Yes, this respect can be learned and honoring other |
| attempting to interfere with their "winning." | | | | can be cultivated like any other interactional habit. If |
| The tug-of-war can go on ad-nauseam...until she | | | | you are in an abusive relationship, and long to change |
| caves in. What he may not be aware of is in his | | | | things from the inside out, find a domestic abuse |
| "win," he has lost contact with his partner. And she | | | | intervention that addresses the subtle communication |
| remains numb in her skin and longing to withdraw. | | | | patterns of battering relationships. |
| Because It's Important to You | | | | When you and your partner look at your spats from |
| Now, let's run this same example through | | | | the inside out rather than the outside in, you open |
| superimposing a different dynamic and look at the | | | | the door to change. And with practice, the changes |
| net effect on the individuals and on their relationship. | | | | you make become new life/relationship interaction |
| Let's envision the "man of the house" taking charge | | | | habits. |