| When you pull it back and stand whole in yourself, | | | | protects her from dangers outside of the home and, |
| you may look at that man/woman and authentically | | | | in some cases, from life's responsibilities in general. |
| say, "I love you." This may be hard to hear if you | | | | The projected message to the other person is that |
| think domestic abuse is the only issue. | | | | they serve to do for you what you aren't naturally |
| Many people look to their partners to fill the piece | | | | providing for yourself. The trouble in this thinking |
| missing within themselves. And they rationalize their | | | | comes when you stumble upon your integration of |
| choice of this particular partner with something like, | | | | what the complementing partner offers you. |
| "He/she complements me." But, seeing your | | | | Your difficulty in assimilating and integrating what you |
| wholeness as dependent on the presence of this | | | | get from your partner-that you yourself don't |
| other person poses potential problems for both of | | | | internally own-is that when you put it on, it doesn't |
| you. | | | | fit. It can't truly fit-no matter how fitting it is-because |
| The obvious is that your seeing, feeling and being | | | | you don't "really" own it in yourself. |
| whole is completely dependent on that person. And | | | | In domestic abuse interventions, we work with this |
| they are elevated in your eyes to provide you with a | | | | dynamic within the relationship and the challenge |
| lasting job that they can never really fulfill... making | | | | becomes how to help each person individually to find |
| you what you are not-whole. | | | | their wholeness within themselves. Once done, in |
| Sounds like circular talk? It's not really circular; it is | | | | most cases, the control and the power issues can |
| self-evident, especially when you are walking in these | | | | more easily be remedied. (This, of course, is |
| shoes. Both parties in abusive relationships can be | | | | dependent on the underlying psychopathology in |
| guilty of this thinking and from here, they place | | | | play.) |
| unrealistic expectations on one another. | | | | If you are in an abusive relationship, and you long to |
| Complementing Batterer and Abused | | | | discover if the abuse dynamics can shift and be |
| The batterer can look to his partner as his emotional | | | | remedied, then seek to find effective domestic |
| security blanket, or as the caretaker of his | | | | violence relationship therapy addressing multiple |
| unidentified and unexpressed feelings. And the | | | | aspects of self and relationship abuse. |
| abused can look to the batterer as the bully that | | | | |